Holidays almost over....

Christmas has passed and I can say that this Christmas was better than last year. It would have been nicer if I had a man in my life. I'm glad I was able to watch all my Christmas movies this year. The only thing is I wasn't able to buy my daughter anything being off work and my disability hasn't came in yet. She didn't miss out on anything though thankfully. I do plan on buying her a couple late Christmas gifts when I get the money so I will still be getting her something. I hope next Christmas will be even better.

The job search.....

I finally have internet at home now so I have started my job search. So far I have applied to over 40 jobs but no interviews yet. It is still the holidays so hopefully once it's over I will start hearing from jobs although there have been some jobs that have rejected me already. I am so determined to find something better. I am gong to keep looking until I can't look anymore. I wish I knew of some good websites to look at. I always go to Indeed but I want somewhere else to look. I don't care much for CareerBuilder although I have applied to some jobs with them most of their jobs posted are through temp agencies. I don't care for Monster or Simply Hired either. If I had the choice I would want to stay on in the company I'm already at and instead of quitting I would just be transferring. I have been at my job for over 5 years now and I would love to continue my tenure there but it is hard getting a job there. It's like trying to win the lottery it's impossible. It's sad that it's hard for people who already work for the company and been there for years can have as much of a hard time getting a job as someone who doesn't even work for the company. I just pray that I will be able to start getting calls soon I am determined to get away from my sucky job I need more money I have two kids to take care of now and the little bit of money I make there isn't going to help plus it would be nice to get a job where I don't work weekends and that my start time is 7 or 8 in the morning so I don't have to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. Just praying for a better, brighter day. Hopefully everything will work out and I will have a new job in the next couple of weeks.

December 1st......

I had my baby December 1st. I'm so happy she's here and that it's all over. It was a very emotional time for me being alone through the whole thing. It was an easy delivery. My water broke while I was on the toilet and it started from there. I went to the hospital went to triage first to make sure my water really broke then I went to see my daughter in the waiting room before she left. She couldn't stay since they had flu restrictions on kids under 18. I went to my room and was put on antibiotics which burned and just watched TV for the rest of the time. Only got up out of bed to go to the bathroom which sucked because my water kept coming out of me which is an uncomfortable feeling. I sat for hours without feeling any contractions. I was put on Pitocin to help my contractions but wasn't feeling any real pain until late at night around 11. About an hour later, I was able to get my epidural which felt weird getting than the first time. So I had to endure the pain of contractions until I got it and it hurt like heck but I made it through them. Even getting my epidural the contractions were getting me but I got through it. After I got it, I just sat and tried to rest while the nurse would come in and check on me. It was time to push at about 5:30am. I pushed her out and she was here at 5:39am. It took her awhile to start crying and they had called the emergency team in just in case but she was fine after awhile. I got cleaned up and after I ate breakfast and the doctor checked the baby, I went to my room to recover. I had a pretty awesome recovery. I wasn't in any pain at all. I could go to the bathroom and it didn't burn or anything. My recovery was completely different than the first time. I was in pain and it always burned when I went to the bathroom and when I walked it always felt like my uterus was gong to fall out of me. I haven't had an issues and didn't need pain meds or anything. I felt so good that if I could I would have went back to work a week later. She's been here almost a month and it hasn't been too big of an adjustment except for the being up at night. I m proud to say that I am breastfeeding which didn't work out the first time and I thin the problem was I had a manual pump and not an electric one. I have an electric one thanks to insurance so my baby is only getting breast milk. The only thing that sucks is that my baby doesn't have a dad and I'm going through taking care of two kids alone. I'm hoping one day the LORD will put a good man in my life who will be there for me and my kids but until then it's just us.

The home stretch.....

I am finally in the home stretch of my pregnancy. As of now, I have officially 11 days until my due date. I am so ready for her to get here. I'm tired of being pregnant. The waiting game totally sucks. I keep hoping that I start having contractions or my water breaks but so far nothing is going on. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and she said I was measuring 40 weeks but I'm still only dialated to 1 1/2 centimeters so not much is happening. I'm just trying to get everything cleaned up and together before things start happening. Hopefully I'll be in the hospital by next weekend. All I can do is wait and see what happens.

I hate being alone.....

I was just thinking about how lonely I am. I hate it. I barely have any friends and of course I don't have a boyfriend. So I literally have no one to talk to. Is it too much to ask to be able to have someone to confide in, someone to go out on dates with, someone I can depend on, I don't have much of a life. I'm always in the house. I never go out to restaurants or to the movies. I just go to work and go home. It just sucks so much. I can't wait for things to be different and I can be happy. I feel like I have been alone long enough.

Getting in the home stretch.....

Well I have about 5-6 weeks before my baby gets here. I can not wait! I am a little disappointed that I'm getting so close and have yet to get anything for my baby. No clothes, bottles, diapers, nothing. I am not prepared at all. This is definately one of the things that suck about going through a pregnancy by yourself. I'm sure if I had a man around we probably would have pretty much everything. I won't be able to start getting stuff until the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I'll be moving the first weekend in November so I should be able to start getting stuff after that. I'm just so ready for this baby to get here. So I can have my body back and I feel like my life has been put on hold because I'm pregnant. I had to take the semester off from school because there was no way I could have a baby when finals was coming around and I had to stop my job search because there is no point in applying to jobs when I wouldn't be able to start for a couple months. I do plan on going back in January hopefully and once I go on my maternity leave I will continue job hunting again and pray my heart out that I will find something before my leave is up and I am stuck having to go back to the low paying job I am at now and I am not trying to go back. I have been working at the same place doing the same job for 5 years and have nothing to show for it. It is definately time to move on. The number one reason why I am ready to have this baby is to prove to my ex that this is his baby because he still has doubts and I am positive that this is his baby. I just wonder what's going to happen when the truth comes out. He keeps telling me that he still wants a future with me. Which is hard to believe since he is in a relationship with someone else and living with them. It is pretty obvious that we still have feelings for each other after all this time and after all the hell he has put me through. I honestly couldn't see myself with no one but him which is probably one of the reasons why I haven't been dating anyone considering we haven't been together in over a year now. He has been telling me lately that I'm his soulmate and we're going to get married and he is planning on buying a house and wants me to move in with him. It all sounds great but it's all talk right now. My motto is actions speak louder than words. I take anything he says with a grain a salt because his track record is bad. He usually says one thing but his actions do the opposite. I guess he is waiting to see what the verdict is on this baby before he makes any decisions. I know I would love for my kids to have their parents together. Both of us grew up with our parents not together and it would be nice for my kids to grow up with two parents in the home. I hate the way things are now with having to send my daughter off with him every other weekend. If we were together then we wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. I guess I'm just looking for something good to happen. One day I hope everything works out and I will finally get the happiness I deserve.

Can I get out of this nightmare?......

I can't believe its been over a month since my last post. Seems like a lot has happened. Well I have gotten kicked out of my apartment. I still can't believe it. I had trouble getting the money to pay my rent last month so the stinking landlord up and kicked me out. He only gave me less than a week to get out. I think its impossible to pack and find somewhere else to go in less than a week. I did my best and could not find anywhere to go. My credit score keeps biting me in the butt. I can not wait until I can get it up. Everytime I try to get an apartment I always get turned down and I'm sure its because of my score. I'm guessing people with bad credit scores have to be homeless because it seems like no one will give you a chance because of it. I tried everything in my power to get the money to pay my rent. I called around trying to get assistance, tried to take out loans but kept getting denied. Right now I'm staying at my sister's and we're just going to get a 3 bedroom at the apartments she's at. Which is what I should have went along with in the first place but I was determined to have my own place and look what happened got kicked out and the stupid landlord became evil after I couldn't pay my rent. Went back to the apartment yesterday to turn the keys in and to get the splitter from the cable company off the cable cord since I couldn't get it off when I moved. Of course the guy popped up and had some crap to say trying to start stuff. Talking about calling the cops. Mad I didn't clean the apartment up all the way then said he was going to garnish my paycheck because of it. I don't know if the guy realizes I'm pregnant or not but I had to pack and move out that apartment by myself with little help and by the time I got everything out of there it was 10:30 at night I had been going all day with very little rest and I don't know what more he could want I did pay a security deposit. I'm just glad I'm out of that apartment it was a blessing. It's so funny how when I first moved in the guy was nice than after I couldn't pay him he became evil. I guess its one of those you live and you learn type of things. I just can't wait until I can get a better paying job so I don't have to keep struggling and going through stuff like this.