Almost over....

Well the year is almost over. Thank you GOD. Today is the last day of December and the end of 2013. In a couple hours, it will be 2014 and I am glad that this year is finally over. It's been a horrible year for me. It started out good but the last half of it has been hell. I am just ready to start fresh and new and hopefully this year will be better than the last. I went through so much crap but I made it through everything I have been through between my ex walking out on us and having to deal with him throwing his girlfriend in my face and having to be stuck staying with my grandmother instead of having my own place and job hunting this entire year with no luck. 2014 I hope all my bad luck changes. I start school in less than 2 weeks and I am super excited about that. The only thing is I am still waiting to get the rest of my scholarship so it can pay the rest of my tuition off and so I can buy my books. Hopefully it will all be taking care of by the end of next week because after that it will be time for school to start. Also, I hope to get myself an apartment soon. My goal is to be in my own place by the beginning of February so we will see what happens in January and see if I will be able to get a decent place in the next month. I plan on continuing to job hunt and I am hoping before next Christmas that I will have a better job than what I have now. My goal is to get a job that is Monday-Friday, no weekends or holidays, decent hours, something like 7-3 or 8-4, and definitely better pay. I also hope that I will find me someone to love, someone to spend my life with. I am just looking for all my bad luck from this year to change in the new year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! and hopefully it will be a better year for me.

Weight loss....

I am trying to see if I can lose some weight. I read an article from Women's Magazine about taking Raspberry Ketone pills. It helps to lose weight the article also talked about cleansing out your inside with a product called Zen Cleanse. So me being curious to see if it will work, I ordered both of them. I got both with a free trial so I didn't pay much for it. I got both of my bottles of pills yesterday and started taking the Zen Cleanse last night and the Raspberry Ketone this morning. The woman who wrote the article said that she only took one Raspberry Ketone pill in the morning and took one Zen Cleanse pill at night so I am doing it the way she did it. She said just by doing it she lost 25 pounds in one month so I hope to have the same results because my goal is to lose 20 pounds right now. I took my before picture and I will be weighing myself and taking a picture every week. The Raspberry Ketone website claims that it gives 4 times more weight loss than diet and exercise, boosts energy through the day, effective appetite suppressant, and works quickly with proven results. The Zen Cleanse claims to help eliminate bad toxins that have built up over the years, removes sludge from the walls of the colon, helps get rid of gas and bloating, and helps to regulate the metabolism. Just wanting to lose weight and this seems like a good start until I can start hitting the gym. We will see what happens in a month.

Advice for the new girl.....

I was just thinking that I wish that I could talk to my ex's new girlfriend to warn her about what she is getting herself into with this guy. He may seem like a nice guy but she never knows what he could be doing behind her back. Believe me, he has cheated on me, lied to me so many times I can't count and snuck around behind my back. It is not like I would be trying to tell her stuff to break them up but I feel like woman to woman I would like to help her not go through the same stuff that I went through. He walked out on me I assume for her so he could do the exact same thing to her that he did to me. Throw her in the trash and not think twice about it. I just hope she realizes that she deserves better before it is too late and she ends up getting pregnant by him or something. You would think she would think why would I want to be with a guy who has 2 kids by 2 different women and is already in a relationship with me when he basically just got out of one? I hope she is smarter than me and doesn't waste years on him before it is too late to realize that you wasted all your time loving and giving your heart to him before he throws it in the trash and moves on to the next girl. I wish I could tell her all of this but she would probably think that I am bitter and all I want to do is break them up when all I really want to do is warn her because who would know better than the woman who spent over 2 years with him. He is not trust worthy at all. I feel like I would want to prevent her from going through the same thing that I went through but I know she is going to have to figure everything out on her own. I just hope she doesn't wait too late to figure him out. All I can say is good luck to her......

The absolute worst luck.....

This is my 100th post!! I was just thinking that I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to men. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. Mr. Right doesn't seem to be coming into my life any time soon. It seems that every guy that has come into my life things haven't worked out. Maybe I'm too loving or too clingy. I don't know but it would be nice to find someone who likes to be loved unconditionally. The last guy I was with was the longest relationship I had been in with someone and that ended badly and makes me feel like I shouldn't give my heart to another man after everything that's happened. Then the guy I started falling for that I met online who I thought would made me feel like I could care for someone again seems like he wants nothing to do with me. We have hung out at his house a couple times but things are going nowhere between us. I text him and it either takes him forever to text back or he doesn't at all and he hasn't asked me out on a date or have attempted to try to get to know me or spend time with me so I guess that's my cue to leave him alone since it's pretty obvious that he isn't as interested in me as I am in him. I would hate to lose him he seems like every thing I could ever ask for in a man but who knows maybe there is another man out there that I will find perfect one day. I just really hate being alone. I have no one to talk to or go out and spend time with. It is not fun it's so depressing and I wish I could find me a guy who will talk to me all day when we're not together. Someone who wants to go out on dates and spend all of their free time with me. Am I asking for too much? All I want is someone to love who will love me as much as I love them. Maybe one day but this wait is killing me.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Its Christmas!!! I feel like I'm not really in the spirit. It just feels like something is missing. I spent the morning with my daughter watching her play with her gifts and just enjoying my time with her. Now she is gone with her dad and now I am bored with nothing to do. I'm just watching Christmas movies right now. I actually just found my Christmas present!! Didn't think I got anything but I got a laptop! Yay! I totally needed a new one. The one I have sucks. If it doesn't stay plugged in it cuts off so now I can use my old one as a back up and start using my new one just in time for school. I feel like I keep thinking about how much I wish I had my own family to celebrate the holiday with. I just keep imagining what it would be like me, my husband and our children opening presents, me making breakfast and us just enjoying our time together until we get dressed and go around to visit other family. Then we can come home and enjoy the rest of our Christmas together. That is what I am looking forward to. I can't wait until I am blessed with my own family because right now I am bored with nothing to do. I so hope that Christmas next year will be a lot better than this year was. Still waiting for that man I asked for Christmas but I know that's not going to happen but a girl can dream....

Back home......

Last night, I made it back home from my trip down south. We went to visit some relatives and it was a nice little trip away from home.  They live in a small city in Louisiana and when I say small I mean small.  It looks like all of their stores and restaurants are all on one street. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it said their city is only 4.1 square miles which is small. Some of the houses were nice but the majority of them were run down.  Every time I saw some people that lived there it made me wonder why they choose to stay there? The word that comes to mind about that place is Podunk. But of course I would feel that way I'm use to big city living. Where all the houses are close together and their may be some run down houses but it looks worse there and I'm use to seeing tall buildings. It is definitely different from home but I will say it does seem peaceful there and I'm sure their isn't as much crime as their is here. I am glad to be back home. We drove all the way down there and back which is an 11-12 hour drive. I officially do not like road trips unless I'm with some fun people. I was able to watch some Christmas movies in the hotel while down there so I am glad about that. I feel like anybody who downs this city and talk about it being boring need to go to a small city that doesn't have anything and then they will appreciate what they have and how special they're city is.

Too perfect to be true.....

Well it looks like things with the guy I like is coming to a screeching halt. We were talking yesterday and he told that he wanted to have threesomes and when he got married he planned on having a girlfriend for him and his wife to share. I'm thinking what 30 year old thinks like this? It sounds like something a young minded 19-25 year old boy would say. You would think a 30 year old would be thinking I'm getting older and I just want to find that one person to settle down with and marry and have a family with. Just when I thought I found the absolute most perfect guy something had to be wrong with him. I wish I would have known that I would have never had a chance with him before my feelings for him started getting involved. I actually started crying because I really liked him and really wanted something to happen. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, educated, has 2 goods jobs, his own house wants a big family, he made me happy when I got to spend time with him I hated having to leave. We have only been talking to each other a little over a month nothing really has happened between us for me to be crying over him. We're still going to be friends and talk but now my expectations are low with him. I am not expecting anything from him anymore. Maybe he will change his mind one day and realize he doesn't need more than one woman to make him happy. It seems like another loss of a guy I started liking. I just knew he was too good to be true. All my dreams for us have been ruined and it was nice while it lasted. I just wish I could have got what I wanted just this once. Seems like I can never have anything to go the way I want it to. I hoped that he was put in my life for a reason to show me that I would be able to get a good man in my life and now I don't know anymore. Looks like I'm back to being alone again.

It is almost time!!.....

It is almost Christmas time!!! I can't wait. I love Christmas! I just keep thinking about how nice it would be when I have my own family to have my own Christmas with them. Me, my husband and our children celebrating the holiday together and starting our own family traditions. That's one of the reasons I look forward to having a big family. When it comes to holidays like Christmas, it will be nice to be able to celebrate with them. It is just one of the many dreams I have about having a family. I can't wait until then. Looking forward to my future. Just have to wait for the man of my dreams to come into my life if he hasn't already.

Time to work out.....

I am officially getting ready to join a gym. It came to me the other day when I was getting myself something to eat in a plaza and there was a random place set up in one of the buildings there. I guess it was a makeshift registration for it because they are building the actual gym in the plaza. I didn't go in but I just thought when did this get here because I didn't remember it there when I was last over there. Afterwards, it made me think that I am going to join that gym. It is going to become a Planet Fitness which I think is the cheapest place you can find for a gym membership. It is only $10 a month and I am definitely going to take advantage of it. I have been needing to get my exercise on for the longest and now I can. Sometime this week I will go up there and register and find out when that gym will be opening up. I am just determined to lose my stomach. It is the only thing on my body that bugs me more then anything. I never truly started working out after I had my baby so it still kind of looks like I am pregnant. I have lost some weight the past couple months so I am proud of that but now I really just want to work on flattening my stomach. It is the only thing that makes me the most self conscious about myself. Luckily, it is almost Christmas time because after Christmas is when I want to get serious about it and then hopefully by the summer time I will look a little different weight wise. I am just over 200 lbs. so my goal is to lose 20 lbs. and after that we will see and I need to go back to drinking water. I do drink water but not as much as I should. I am excited to get started. My plan is to go everyday after I get off work and then when I start school I can go on the days I don't have class which is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and then I'll try and go on the weekends if I get the chance. So at least between going to the gym and being in school I'll be able to keep myself busy.

Alone forever......

Why do I feel like I am going to be alone forever? Is there a man out there for me somewhere? I wish I knew. It just sucks being alone all the time. I just wish I had someone to be with, spend time with, talk to. I feel like I am just alone all the time. I don't have anybody to go out and do things with. It just sucks when I have the opportunity to have time to go out, I have no one to turn to. I know God has a man out there for me somewhere but sometimes it is just hard to wait to see when he will come around. Its not like I'm desperate for anybody but I'm just waiting on that one special guy that God has in store for me. I'm kind of hoping that its the guy that I am interested in but it still seems like nothing is going anywhere with this guy. Still no dates and it kind of seems like he barely talks to me. I feel like I do all of talking. I really like him and he seems like everything I could ever ask for someone I could spend the rest of my life with but things are going so slow and it seems like things are going no where between us as much as I want them to. We have been talking to each other for over a month and it doesn't seem like we are working towards becoming anything to each other. Right now, all I want is for us to grow as friends. I want us to be able to talk to each other about any and everything, be able to go out with each other and have fun, just work on possibly becoming best friends in the future and that will lead to us becoming even more. If only things were that easy for me. I am trying to hold on to hope and faith that everything will work out but it is extremely hard when I am alone all the time. It is not fun being alone, not having anyone to confide in, go out and have fun with, laugh with, just someone to share my life with and love. I am a very loving person and that's what I need in my life is someone to love. As hard as it is to just sit back and wait, that is all I can do unfortunately. I am ready for the love of my life to come into my life and make things better and to make me feel whole again. I feel like there is something missing in my life and it is that one person to share it with. I pray for him to come into my life soon because I can not take this being alone all the time every single day. I want to feel happy and have joy in my heart I just need a love to put it there. I have my daughter but it is still a piece of my heart that is still missing and isn't complete. I ready to feel complete.....

I hate my life right now.....

I hate where my life is right now. It makes me cry just thinking about it but my life truly sucks. I feel like I am trapped and can't do anything to make things better. I wish I knew what to do. I feel like I have been trying and trying and trying to change things but it doesn't seem like anything is working. First off, my job sucks I hate it so much I wish I could just quit. Incompetent bosses who don't care about the employees and things keep getting changed to make things harder on us instead of making it easier. Plus the pay sucks I can barely live on the money I get every two weeks. I feel like I work my butt off for little pay and have nothing to show for it. I have always been thankful for my job but I have officially been there for 4 years as of 12/7 and it has been time for me to go. I feel like I am in prison at that place I have applied to over 100 jobs this year trying to get out of there and I can't get anything. I can't believe how hard it is to find something but I am going to continue to try until something comes my way. I just want a Monday-Friday job so I can have my weekends free to be able to do things. Its hard when working every other weekend to plan to do things I would also like to be able to have my holidays off and of course better pay I feel I am a hard working person and deserve a lot more than what I am making now. Is it asking for too much? Another problem I am having is with men. I don't need one but it would be nice to have one. Someone to be there for me, someone to talk to, someone to be able to go out with and spend time with. Just someone special for me. It sucks being alone all the time. It would be nice to be able to get dressed up and go somewhere. I just wish I had someone to spend time with and love and adore just someone especially for me. I don't know what's going on with the guy I like. I feel like I'm in limbo. We have talked to each other for a month, have hung out with him a couple times but he doesn't seem to be interested in me as I am in him. I thought a person who is interested in you usually asks you when your free or the next time you can see each other or even ask you out on a date and he hasn't done that. When I text him sometimes it takes him forever to write me back or he doesn't at all. I don't know if that means he is busy or just ignoring me. I really liked him but all I can do now is leave him alone. I feel like I have started to get my hopes up over this guy which is depressing me because things are going no where with him so I am letting myself down by expecting him to want me. It was nice while it lasted having someone to care and think about but now its just back to lonely me. Another problem I'm having is finding a place to live. It seems like everything cost so much. My price range is $550 and less and it is hard to find a place for that much. I have found a couple of houses but apartments are hard to find. If I could just get me a better job with better pay so that I would be able to afford something decent. I'm not going to be able to move for a couple more months anyway and I am still on that waiting list for an apartment. I have been on that waiting list for months, over 4 months and still no call it sucks just waiting but I am still hoping by February I will be out this place and in my own place whether I can get into that apartment or I'm going to have to find something else. I miss being on my own so much. My life is in such a horrible place right now I just hope that by this time next year I will be in a better place in my life. A decent place to live, a better job with better pay and someone to share my life with. All I can do is pray for better days but I wish I knew how long it will take for things to get better. It is just hard to think positive when it seems like everything is going wrong. It would be nice to get a Christmas miracle like in the movies and that everything that I wish and pray for would start coming true. Wishful thinking on my part.

Feeling a little discouraged....

It seems like my mind is always on the guy I like but now I am thinking I should leave him alone for awhile. It just doesn't seem like I get to talk to him as much as I was last week. It just amazes me how things have changed so fast. Last week, we were talking to each other for hours everyday then I go to his house and we hung out and I was under the impression that we had a good time with each other but now it seems like I barely here from him now. It just depresses me a little bit because I want to continue getting to know him and it doesn't seem like he is putting in any effort to continue getting to know me. I asked him the other day if he was still interested in me and he said that he was but I would think that someone who is interested in you would have been trying to see when the next time we would be able to see each other again and go out on a date or something. I tried to text him today and haven't heard from him at all today. I wasn't going to text him today and instead was going to wait for him to text me because I don't want to seem like a bother and that I am bugging him all the time. Lately, it seems like I haven't been doing anything but talking to myself with him. I text him and it seems like it takes him forever to text back and I feel like I do all the initiating of conversations. So I decided I wasn't going to bug him anymore and that he can bug me first. But I just started thinking about why things seem different and I wanted to ask him what was his honest opinion of me after we met and spent time with each other. So I started the text asking how he was doing today instead of going straight into the question and was waiting on him to reply back before I asked and that was at 3:08 this afternoon and it is now 7:30. 4 hours and I haven't heard anything. I don't know if he is just busy because he has his daughter or he is spending time with family or what but I don't know anybody who is too busy to text someone and it take hours to do so I really don't know what to think anymore. I am just going to leave him alone from now on and wait to hear from him. I just hope he hasn't lost interest in me already. Just hoping for everything to work out and I will eventually hear from him again but he kind of gives me the impression that he doesn't want to be bothered with me. Don't want to put too much into this guy when we still barely know each other but I think I need to get my feelings off of him before I really upset myself. From now on I am just going to leave him alone and we'll see where things go from here.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Just wanted to make a quick post about it being Thanksgiving today. I am thankful for my daughter and for the Lord for putting a nice guy in my life to help me forget about my troubles. I know I am ready to eat and soon enough it will be Christmas. Once again, Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

The man I like....

This post is dedicated to the man I hope, God willing, to have a future with. I feel like he is all I think about all the time. It honestly confuses me that no woman has snatched him up. It makes me wonder if he has any problems. I actually asked him yesterday and he said no but that is still to be seen. I really don't get it he seems to have his life together, seems responsible because he takes care of his daughter all the time so he's definitely not a part time dad he is part of his daughter's life fully, he has his own house not an apartment but a house and a pretty big one at that, he is very well educated a Morehouse man, and not to mention he is very good looking so I can not understand why he is single and no woman has taken him off the market. He seems to have a lot to offer and he wants to get married and have a family. I hope that one day I will be the one to take him off the market. He seems like a really great guy and someone I can have a long future with. I was thinking yesterday that how did I become lucky to get to know someone like him. We just randomly started talking to each other on the Internet and now he is someone I like and pray that I can claim him as my own one day. The only problem is it seems like we never have time to see each other between my job, his job, me taking care of my daughter and him taking care of his plus me staying with my granny it just doesn't seem like much time for us to spend with each other one on one but I'm sure one day everything will work itself out. I could be thinking too much but I was thinking that he had to be put in my life for a reason and hopefully not just for a season. Maybe this is God or someone's way of putting an actual good man in my life to make up for all the crap I went through with my ex. It might be wishful thinking but I hope he is here just for me. But like I keep saying, all I can do is wait and see what happens. We're still in the getting to know each other stage but I'm hoping that this is the beginning of the rest of our lives together. If it is, I will be thanking the Lord everyday for allowing me to have this man in my life.

Good and bad news......

Well I have good and bad news about the guy I like. The bad news is I didn't get to go on my date with him. It bummed me out because I was so excited about it and had went all out to be ready for it. The good news is I still was able to go and see him. He invited me to his house to watch movies. I was glad I at least got to see him because the reason I wanted to see him was so I could see if there was any chemistry between us, to see if my feelings for him from just writing each other was real. My instincts were right. I genuinely like him and I'm glad I was able to find out. The crazy thing is when he called me I wasn't nervous talking to him. That was the first time I had talked to him on the phone before that we always texted. When I got to his house I was only nervous for a second. From the time I got out the car to the time I got to the door was the only time I was nervous once I got in the door I was fine. I went in and we watched two movies. The first one was Grown Ups 2 which was funny glad I got to see it. While watching the movie I enjoyed the closeness we had with each other. The second movie we watched was Evolution with David Ducovney and Orlando Jones. It came out in 2001 but I don't think I have ever seen it. It was a pretty good movie. Through the movies we talked and cuddled and just enjoyed each others company. I honestly didn't want to leave him and I wish I didn't have to. I just hope there will be more chances for us to spend time with each other. I really like him and I just don't want to be jumping the gun on anything since it's too soon to tell what is going to happen with us but I don't want to lose the opportunity of getting to know a good guy and he could possibly be the guy I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I just pray that God put this man in my life for a reason. It's a part of me that thinks we were meant to find each other. After my last relationship I feel like I'm scared to give anyone my heart. I did that and you see how that turned out. I don't want to get into a relationship and have to go through the lying and cheating that I dealt with. I don't want to invest time getting to know someone and get to know them and their family and then after everything we had been through over the years he walks out and treats me like we weren't once in love and meant something to each other. I don't want my past to interfere with my future but it's hard when you have been hurt so bad it makes you think every guy is going to treat you that way. I don't want to go through trusting someone then losing it. All I want is God to send me a genuine and sincere man who will love me for me and will not judge me for my flaws. Someone who has their head on straight and knows what he wants in life. Someone who I can see myself marrying and building a family with. Someone I know who will love me, take care of me and our family and be there no matter what. That's all I want but I know that I don't want to lose this guy I would love if I could have him in my life. I don't know if it is apart of God's plan for me but all I can do is wait and see what my future holds.

Excited and Nervous....

I am so excited! My date is tomorrow and I can't wait. I got everything together that I need for it. I went shopping today and bought a couple outfits. I made sure I got my pea coat and I bought a black beret to go with it because I think I look good in one especially when my hair is straight. I got my jewelry, I got makeup I am good to go. Now all I have to do is wait for it to be tomorrow evening and I can get myself together. I need to figure out what I am going to wear. I bought a pair of jeans and some leggings and two shirts to go with each and now I need to figure out what I am going to wear. I'm thinking about the jeans since it is going to be cold I should wear those instead of the leggings. I just hope everything works out. That is the nerve wrecking part. I really like this guy. I know we haven't officially met yet but we have been talking to each other for two weeks and it just seems scary that we are finally going to meet each other and I want to make a good first impression. As excited as I am, I know when its that time for us to get together I will be shaking inside. All I have to do is be myself and everything should work itself out.

Things to come....

Looks like I will be busy these next couple days starting today and going until Sunday. Today, I am so excited I go to my orientation for school. I have waited over a month for this day to get here and its finally here. School will be starting in less than 2 months I can't wait. Can't believe November is almost over. It is only 8 days left and it will officially be December. I think it is all going to go by fast. Thanksgiving is next Thursday and less than 4 weeks from that it will be Christmas. After Christmas is over, I can focus on getting ready for school which will start less than 3 weeks after Christmas. I am so ready to get started! Saturday, I have to work since this is my weekend to work but after I get off I will be heading to go do a little shopping. I have to go to Toys R US to put some more money towards my daughter's Christmas layaway then I will be going shopping for myself to see if I can find a couple outfits to buy. Sunday, I might get to hang out with my bffs after I get off of work and then Sunday evening I have a date. Yes a date with the guy I talked about in my post about Online Dating. He finally wanted to exchange numbers and ever since then we have texted each other everyday and talked about a lot just getting to know each other. I'm glad he finally asked for it so I am not sitting on that website all day everyday waiting for him to write me now we can talk to each other anytime we want to. It definitely works for me with the texting because we can say whatever we want to say to each other and don't have to worry about sitting on the phone with each other and have to endure that awkward silence of us trying to think of something to say to each other which I hate. We are meeting up for drinks and to talk and get to know each other which is the reason why I need to go shopping Saturday because I don't think I have anything nice to wear. I am excited but I am so nervous too. It seems like you get that nervous feeling when you have to meet someone new. Its kind of like a blind date except we know what each other looks like and have talked to each other the past 2 weeks. It makes me nervous because I want things to work out. I feel like I really like him from just talking to him I can't make a real opinion until we actually meet and spend time with each other but I really want things to go well and for us to spend more time with each other and get to know each other and build a connection. I don't want what happened to the last guy to happen with this guy, spend time talking to each other and then when you meet them realize that there is no chemistry and then you're back at square one. So I just pray that everything works out and we end up having a good time and liking each other and going from there. A pretty busy weekend indeed. Getting ready for my orientation now but looking forward to Sunday night.

Ready to get started....

I am soooo ready to start school. I start in less than 2 months and I can't wait. I already went to take my placement test last Friday and now I am just waiting to go to my orientation which is next Friday. I am ready to start and am determined to make something of my life. I am ready to get through so I can graduate and get me a good paying job. I hate where my life is right now and I don't want it to be like this for years to come. I want to have a stable life and a good paying job where I will be able to take care of myself, my daughter and my future family. It's so hard waiting even though it is so close. 2 months to go......

Online Dating.....

I wonder how successful it can be to date someone you meet online. I have went on a website and started talking to a couple people online. I looked up men between the ages of 26-40. The first guy I talked to sent me a message and told me a couple things about himself. He said that he had 2 associates degrees, he owns his own business and he is 29 years old. We talked on the phone and texted for a week before we met each other. He invited me to his house which I think is strange to invite someone to your house that you barely know and who you met online. I could have been a crazy person. I went over there and we talked and watched a movie. He lives in a house with his dad and sister. Things went a little far but I realized he wasn't really my type. It was at least nice to feel wanted by a guy. I hadn't felt wanted by a guy in months and it was nice to have someone to be with if only for a little while. He seems like a really nice guy and everything but doesn't seem like my type. I guess he realized I don't seem interested in him because I haven't heard from him in a couple days. Another guy that I am talking to right now I feel that I am very interested in. He seems like a very interesting guy. What I know about him so far is he is 30 years old, he has a 4 year old daughter, has his own house, works for the state, and has a bachelors degree, and a law degree and is working on getting another degree so he is very educated. I don't know any guy who is that educated so that really attracted me to him. I enjoy talking to him and I feel like I sit on the website just to wait for him to write me back everyday. I would like it if we could exchange numbers so that I don't have to be sitting on the website waiting to hear from him all day everyday but I honestly don't mind us writing each other. I'm really enjoying just getting to know him. He told me he passed out candy for Halloween and I don't know anyone who passes candy out for Halloween and he enjoys the Christmas holiday as much as I do. We'll see what happens but I hope something good happens he seems like someone I would be interested in. Only time will tell......

So hard to wait.....

I have been job hunting this whole year and it is amazing how hard it is to get a job. I have applied to over 100 jobs and still nothing. I am just determined to get out of my dead end job and go somewhere that I can be appreciated and earn more money. I can't even get an apartment because of the little money I make. That is why I am stuck living with my grandmother because I am on the waiting list for low income apartments and the waiting is torture. I have been on the waiting list for 3 1/2 months now. I wonder how much longer I am going to have to wait. Too bad I can't move out west or something. It seems like all the decently priced apartments are either out west or out south and I can't go that far. I am trying to stay around the area that I have always been but it is hard. If I could just get me a decent paying job then I would be able to get any apartment that I want with no problems. I have applied to a couple of jobs today that I have found on Indeed. Now I am looking on Simply Hired to see if there is anything else I can apply to. It is so hard and torturing to be waiting by the phone for someone to call between waiting on getting another job and trying to get an apartment it seems to make things stressful. I feel like I am hoping for a Christmas miracle and that I will be able to get an apartment and a job by then. I will settle for one or the other I just want something to happen soon. Christmas is less than 6 weeks away so all I can do is pray for a miracle and wait and see if anything happens.....

To good to be true....

Well I finally got the courage to talk to the guy I liked. I saw him at work but only got to talk to him for a split second and never really had time to talk. So after I got off I went over to where he worked and tried to find him because he seemed to confirm that he liked me so I wanted to know why he would never ask for my phone number. It would have been nice to be able to get to know him outside of work since we barely see each other at work and when we do see each other we barely get to talk. So I went and got to talk to him found out he was 38 but the bad part is he said he was married. That put a damper on things. I spent a week fantasizing and waiting to see him to talk to him just to find out he is married. Of course he had to be married it was just to good to be true to find somebody to grow a connection with. So those plans are over but it was nice to have someone to think about for a while even though things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to. Right now, I am just going to focus on getting ready for school.

Hopeful future plans....

Now that I have officially been excepted into school, I can start planning my classes. The email that they sent me said I have to sign up for orientation and to take my placement tests. I am so determined to make something of myself. Everyday I go to work and I dislike my job so much. I want to be able to have a career and not just a job. I want to be happy to go to work everyday and not dread it. I want  to be able to make good pay and not the little bit of money that I am making now. I feel like I have to struggle everyday with the little bit of money I bring home every 2 weeks. I want to be able to live comfortably and be able to take care of my family one day and not have to live check to check the rest of my life. I see all the older people at my job and I do not want to be like them in my 40s and 50s stuck at a job making minimum wage and can't find anything better. I refuse to have my life turn out that way I'm glad I am still young enough to make something of myself. I know it is going to be hard work but ready for the challenge. Its going to be a long road but it will pay off in the end.

So excited!!.....

I'm so excited I just can't believe it. I just found out about 2 hours ago that I got excepted to college. A 4 year college that I will be attending to get my bachelors in. I can't wait to start. I have 3 more months of relaxation, come January, I will officially be back in school. Previously, I was going to a community college but haven't attended in the past year because I lost my financial aid from dropping and failing classes and I haven't been able to pay out of pocket as much as I tried to. I didn't want to go for my bachelors until I had got my associates but since I was having so much trouble getting done without financial aid I figured I might as well go ahead and get started on my bachelors now that way I should be able to get my financial aid back and since I lost a year at my other school might as well start fresh in another school. Luckily, my credits transfer over so some of my classes I won't have to take over again. I do know I am going to have to take the dreaded math classes and they require you to take 2 classes. I already know when I take the placement test for math I am going to test low and have to start at the lowest class which means I'll have to take 3 math classes which will totally suck but I am ready for it. I still can't believe I am going back to school I know I am determined to make something of my life and not make minimum wage the rest of my life. I'll continue this in my next post....

My Daughter....

I just wanted to do a post on my daughter. I love spending time with her. Its just fun being able to play with her everyday. I can't wait until she gets older so we can do even more things together although I am not in that big of a rush for her to get older I like her being a baby. I always look at her baby pictures and still can't believe how big she is now. I wish she was still a newborn. I feel like I can't wait to have more babies so that I can have another little one. No rush though but I can't wait to expand my family but hopefully the next time I will be married. Its too bad her father decided to leave us. He is missing out on so much it sucks but I can't feel too bad about it since it was his choice to leave. I guess this is what he wanted not to be there for his daughter everyday. I guess I was such a horrible person to be with that he didn't even want to be around to watch his daughter grow up. All I can say is its his loss. Anyway, I hope I have nothing but girls in the future when I have more kids. I can't even imagine having a boy, although I would welcome a boy, I would rather have all girls. I guess we will find out when the time comes until then no rush.

Trying to move on.....

Well I am still having a hard time with my break up. I'm starting to feel a little bit better about the whole thing. I don't cry everyday anymore thankfully but it still hurts to think about everything. I'm trying to move on the best I can but its not that easy when you lost someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with. There is this guy at my job that I am interested in and I think he is interested in me too. I hope I am not reading the signals wrong. It seems like he flirts with me when I do get to see him so I guess we'll see what happens. He asked me the other day if I had a special guy in my life and I told him unfortunately not and he was surprised about it. He asked me if I thought all guys were dogs and I said pretty much. He said that all guys weren't dogs and I told him that hasn't been proven to me yet so he said that we'll have to work on that. I assume he meant that he was going to prove to me himself that all guys weren't dogs so we'll see. The only thing is I don't see him that much. We work in the same department but in different places so I don't get to see him a lot. I want to be able to get to know him. First thing I need to do is either get his number or he get mines then we can get to know each other maybe start going out on dates. I feel like I spend my free time fantasizing about him and possibly having a future with him but first I think I should find out if he is even seeing anyone before I even attempt to even get his phone number. I have been waiting to get this weekend over and ready to go to work so that I can hopefully see him to talk to him and hopefully get his phone number or him get mines. The last two days at work I didn't see him at all so I have between Monday and Thursday to see what I can do. This guy is older than me though. I am sure he is somewhere in his 30s but I am not sure how old he is I will totally need to find out. Thankfully this day is almost over and I can go to work tomorrow and hopefully see him. That's all I am looking for right now is just someone to get to know and to date not even thinking about sex right now. I am not thinking about sex until we have had a chance to get to know each other better. I feel like I want it to be special and nothing to just rush into. I am going to try Steve Harvey's 90 day rule. His rule is based on when you start a new job you are on probation for 90 days before you can get any benefits  so the same thing will work in a relationship wait at least 90 days to see if the guy is even worthy enough for me to share that part of myself with him. But like I said I am just interested in getting to know him for now and I think it really interest me that he is older. I am use to only dating guys around my age never really considered dating anyone significantly older than me but I totally am game to try.

Wish me luck

Suicide thoughts.....

Sometimes I feel like I understand what people go through when they have suicidal thoughts. When they feel like their life is just crap and they want to get out of feeling pain and depression. I feel like that now. Where you are sad all the time and want to stop feeling that way. Although I couldn't see myself doing that because I have my daughter to live for and plan on having more children in the future but I can totally understand how it feels to be suicidal.

Ready to get back on my feet....

Right now, I'm going through a tough time in my life. Hopefully, things will get better. Currently I am staying with my grandma which is cool because I can just worry about saving money but I am so ready to have my own space. I applied to go back to school in the Spring. Still waiting to hear about that. I sent in my application and had to send in my transcripts. I requested them from my previous schools but just waiting on the school I am wanting to go to to get them. I am just ready to go to school and get done. The last school I was at I lost my financial aid and missed out on going to school for a year because I couldn't afford to pay out of pocket. I'm just trying to better myself and be able to get a job where I am making some decent money. I also hope that if I get to keep my job since they are about to go through layoffs, that my boss let's me change my job title so that I can start making more money. I would like to stay there so that I can go to school in the afternoons but if I have to I will find me another job. Just ready for things to start getting better for me. I am just not in a good place in my life right now.

Life is all bad....

My life sucks right about now. I am still having issues with my ex. After being broken up for a little over 2 months now it still hurts. The bad part is, is he has a new girlfriend already. we were together for over 2 years and lived together. It is just hard to believe that he could move on to someone else so fast. I couldn't imagine doing that. My heart is still with him so I couldn't see myself jumping into another relationship after my future was suppose to be with him. Is it wrong for me to want to be with the man I gave my heart to and had a child by? All I want is my family together. I feel so stupid because I am still crying over this guy and he is not even thinking twice about me. I just wish I could wake up and my life was back to the way it was and I had my family back together and the man that I fell in love with but that does not look like it is going to happen. I'm in so much pain it sucks. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy. I wish it was as easy for me to move on as it was for him. Hopefully I will start to feel better soon but right now I'm not and who knows how long it will be before I do.

Another sucky day....

Well this whole thing with me and my ex boyfriend is just a complete nightmare. I still don't know what it is that happened that made him want to leave us. Every time I ask it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it but I feel like I have a right to know what happened. I'm not just about to except it being over without knowing why and he just will not give me a straight answer. I feel like he doesn't need to text or call me about anything anymore not our daughter anything. Until he can grow up enough to give me an explanation as to what happened we have nothing to talk about. Its like he just ignores me when I text him and all he ever says is things about our daughter. I feel you weren't worried about her when you decided to leave us. I just feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way. I really wish this was nothing but a nightmare because I want to wake up and have my life go back to the way it was. I know that isn't going to happen. All I can do is just worry about me and my daughter now. He acts like things are so bad that our relationship cant be fixed or worked out then I just have to move on alone. I guess he didn't love me enough for us to work things out. My biggest fear is him leaving me for someone else like I wasn't good enough. I hope that isn't the case. I just wish I could have my family back and I have no idea what to do but to do nothing. I just wish I could get a real reason as to why my relationship is over.

What did I do...

Its day 3 of the break up and it sucks but I think I am moving along ok. I still cry every now and again but I feel like I'm crying for my daughter because I just don't want her to lose her family. I want her to have both her parents at home together. It hurts me because of its like my fault that things are the way they are. I'm not even clear on what I did wrong to make him want to leave. I have been texting him to ask him what it is I did but he won't answer. He keeps giving me the cold shoulder and I feel I deserve to know what I did that was so horrible that made him want to leave. I'm always home, I never go out unless its with him, all I do is go to work and come home and take care of our daughter. I try to cook and clean when I can. I just don't know how things got so bad. I just wish I had a chance to know what to do different so I could fix this. I want to fix it. I not only lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend too. He was like my only friend. Now I have no one. I'm all alone except for my daughter. I just hate the way my life is right now. Hopefully, one day things will be okay. I just feel so lost right now. But I know that I just need to leave him alone just seems like he really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just hate that over 2 years of being together is just over like that. I just hold on to faith that things will work out and we will be a family again but until then I guess I'm in this alone. I have never cheated on him so you wouldn't think things would end so badly. I'm just still trying to understand all this. It just sucks.

Apartment search.....

Well I did some apartment searching today. It was a little frustrating. I went to 5 places. The first place I went to was in my price range. It was $535 a month but I went to the place and wasn't feeling it. It was all hardwood and I prefer carpet then just hardwood and it just looked old and outdated. I would not feel comfortable with me and my daughter living there. The 2nd place I went to seemed great but was out of my price range. I really wish I would have been able to afford that one on my own it would have been great to have my own bathroom in my room. I feel like I should have went there instead of the apartments I am at now last year. The 3rd one I went to was weird at first because they had the doors locked and it was 11:30 and they opened at 10 plus there were cars in front so I knew someone was there. The lady answered the door when I knocked and said she was on a conference call but I still think it was rude and unprofessional to have the doors locked during business hours. The apartments were in my price range because they went by income but they didn't have any available. The 4th place I went to I was just riding around and saw this house that had a for rent sign in front of it so I figured I would go check it out it took me awhile to figure out what to do because there was no number or anything in front of it but I had to ring two doorbells and the lady came to the door she said the apartment wouldn't be ready until September which is when I need a place anyway and she said it wasn't ready to be shown so I left. The last place I went to were new apartments I think they opened last year because I went last year when I was apartment hunting and had a bad experience. They go by income as well and when I went last year they made me make an appointment the first time I went which I thought was weird because most apartment places just let people walk in who are looking for a place. My appointment was scheduled for a month later which was way too long of a wait. When I finally got to go they told me the apartments that were in my price range were all taking so I wasted my time. This time when I went the guy I talked to actually took me to see an apartment and when I say it was perfect I mean it was PERFECT!!! The apartment had hardwood floors but at least the bedrooms were carpeted which I could deal with better than the whole place being hardwood. It actually comes with a washer and dryer not just a hookup. Plus the master bedroom has its own bathroom. It was just all around perfect and the price I would have to pay is $449 a month!! Now you cant beat that price anywhere. Unfortunately, there weren't any available at the time but like I said I won't need a place until the end of August anyway. The guy put me on a waiting list so hopefully I will hear something soon because he told me that some people can be on the waiting list for a day, a week, or a month it just depends. So I am hoping I hear something in the next 2 weeks before it is too late. One of these days I need to go put in my notice to move out whether I have a place to go or not there is no way I can resign another lease here. So I'm praying that the apartment I want comes through for me but until then looks like I have to keep looking until it does or if it does. I just don't know where to look. I would love to go somewhere that is fairly decent that's not a lot of people hanging around. Somewhere that I will feel comfortable at and safe and something affordable. We'll see what happens because I feel like I am in a time crunch I don't want to just settle for anything but I will have to start packing this apartment up soon hopefully in the next couple weeks I will find something nice for me and my daughter to call home.

Living in a nightmare....

I feel like this is all a bad dream. I still can't believe its over between me and my boyfriend after 2 years. I hope I will be able to get over it in time but right now its still fresh and it hurts. It just sucks that my daughter has to deal with it. Even though she's not aware of what's going on. I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish there was some way I knew what to do different. I don't know its just crazy and I am still shocked. I have to try and hide my tears and its not easy. I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare would be over and everything would be fine and happy. Now today I am going apartment hunting. I just hope I will be able to get something soon. I have until the end of next month to find something but I need to know now where I'm going so I can tell the front office I'm leaving and so I can start packing. The sooner the better. Well I'm off of here to go start the search. Wish me luck. I hope everything will be ok.

I can't believe it.....

Well it looks like me and my boyfriend are no longer together as of today. I am hurt and crying as we speak. I wish I knew what went wrong. Lord knows I tried. I just really can't believe it. I put in over two years in this relationship and this is what I get. He has put me through a lot of pain in this relationship but I still stuck around. I just wish we could have worked it out for the sake of our daughter. I never wanted to be a single parent. I thought we would be together forever but I guess I was wrong. I just wish there was something I could do to fix what happened to make it get to this point. Looks like its just gonna be me and my daughter from now on. I just don't want it to be over. Now I have to start looking for a new place to live. The apartments I'm at now is almost $700 a month and there is no way I will be able to afford it on my own. Who knows maybe one day things will work out but until then I am officially single.

I hate violence....

It seems like it so much violence going on in the world. I hate it. Lately, the country is engrossed in the whole tragedy of Trayvon Martin and him being gunned down by a guy who was told to leave him alone and the crazy thing is the guy was acquitted for killing him which is a disgrace because he should be in jail right now. I just hope a higher power will do there best to get him off the streets. Another tragedy that happened back in 2009 was with Oscar Grant. I wouldn't even know about what happened to him if it wasn't for a movie coming out about what happened to him. There is a movie called Fruitvale Station coming out about Oscar being killed by a cop for no reason on the subway. There were a lot of witnesses and a lot of people recorded what happened. There are videos on the internet of the incident. I looked up what happened and apparently the cop who did only got 2 years in jail. I know I could not watch that movie knowing that its going to end sad. I'm sure it will be good but I'm not a fan of tragedy. It just seems like its so many people getting away with killing people who don't deserve it.

One of my fav. movies...

One of my favorite movies that came on the other day is You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I always try to watch it when it comes on tv. It just seems so crazy how times have changed. With the internet and getting on the computer. In the movie, they use AOL and dial up. That's what we use to do when I was a kid. I miss those days. I'm glad we don't have to use dial up anymore because it was get on the internet or keep the phone line free. You couldn't be on the internet and receive phone calls at the same time and everyone didn't have cell phones back then like everyone does now. Everyone had landlines. The one thing I do miss about AOL is the chat rooms. They had all kinds of chat rooms you could go to now I don't even know how to find a chat room. Its like there are none anymore.

Friendless me.....

It sucks I know but I totally have no friends. I have one friend that I text on the phone every now and again but we don't hang out. I need friends to hang out with. I literally have no one. No one to go out to eat with or out to stores or something. How did my life get this way? I am the nicest person. You would think I have all these friends but no, no one. I had one friend who I met my first year in college. We were just starting to become close again while I was pregnant and the cool thing is we were pregnant together so we were going through it all together. I thought everything was going to be cool. We both had daughters and they were exactly a month apart born on the same day. Our daughters were suppose to best friends and grow up together. But sadly, she was killed while at a memorial for someone. I was shocked finding out while I was at work. I never lost anyone in that way before and it still hurts me to this day because I was with her the day before it happened. I will always be thankful to the LORD that I was able to see her before she left us. If I have another daughter one day I plan on naming her after her. I just really hate it that I don't have any friends. The only friend I really have is my boyfriend and we aren't even that close now and days hopefully that will change soon. Maybe one day I will actually start having friends, people to talk to on the phone. maybe go out to places with. It sucks being alone all the time I feel like I am always in the house with no where to go or be.

Puppy love....

A week ago, my boyfriend brought a puppy home. It seems crazy I have never had a dog before so its just weird to me but I can honestly say I love this dog. Its like another baby. I named her Shelly which is cool I get to name her what I wanted. I never expected to have a dog but I have said it years ago that if I had a dog I would name her Shelly because that's the nickname my sister would call me and I like the name Shelly Burger. If you are not familiar with music history, Shelly Burger was the Temptations former manager. I always thought it was funny a man being named Shelly Burger but I always liked it. I'm not sure what breed she is I will have to find out but it seems cool so far to have a dog. We want her to be a house dog so far so good. We'll see how things go with 2 kids in the house now....

I did it again.....

Hello, Looks like I did it again. Its been well over a year since I have been on here and posted. Well my daughter is officially 15 months today! Time sure does fly! I think in a year or so I will be ready for number 2. I just hope its another girl. However many kids I have I want all girls. Nothing against boys but I prefer girls. Especially with the experience I have had with my boyfriends son, I don't think I can handle a boy if he turns out to be like him. Anyway, I am STILL at my job that I have been at for over 3 1/2 years now. I am proud of myself that I have made it this long but I am actively searching for something better. I would like to get me some kind of administrative job somewhere. Preferably in a medical setting. I try my best to get on the computer when I can and look. Sometimes its not easy when most of the jobs it seems like you can do you don't qualify for because of experience. I'm sure a lot of people go through this when job hunting. How can I get experience when all the jobs say you have to have experience? Lord knows I'm trying to find a better opportunity for myself. The job I am at now is a dead end. I have been there almost 4 years and I feel its time to go. I deserve a job with better pay. I hate having to struggle check to check especially when its rent paying time all my money is gone. My boyfriend and I would love to get a house one day but I need to clean my credit report up before I can get a loan and start looking. I can't do that when I never have any extra money. The main reasons I am ready to leave my job is I want more money and I am in the low pay grade in my department. Everybody in my department makes more than I do and I am not exaggerating. Every single person that works in my department makes more than I do even the new people coming in start off making more than I do and its not fair. I feel like I work just as hard if not harder than most of the people up there. Everyday I go in there its like a slap in the face. Its not like I can quit. If a better opportunity would come along I would be out of there fast. Another reason is I want a Monday-Friday job I hate working weekends. I would be happy with a job that is no weekends and no holidays. And I need something that starts at 7 or 8 am. Right now, I am at work at 4 in the morning and have to depend on someone taking my daughter to daycare I want to be able to take her and pick her up and be home with her on the weekends. Its hard but I pray some of these jobs I apply to will start calling me in for interviews soon. I am ready to go.