Another sucky day....

Well this whole thing with me and my ex boyfriend is just a complete nightmare. I still don't know what it is that happened that made him want to leave us. Every time I ask it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it but I feel like I have a right to know what happened. I'm not just about to except it being over without knowing why and he just will not give me a straight answer. I feel like he doesn't need to text or call me about anything anymore not our daughter anything. Until he can grow up enough to give me an explanation as to what happened we have nothing to talk about. Its like he just ignores me when I text him and all he ever says is things about our daughter. I feel you weren't worried about her when you decided to leave us. I just feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way. I really wish this was nothing but a nightmare because I want to wake up and have my life go back to the way it was. I know that isn't going to happen. All I can do is just worry about me and my daughter now. He acts like things are so bad that our relationship cant be fixed or worked out then I just have to move on alone. I guess he didn't love me enough for us to work things out. My biggest fear is him leaving me for someone else like I wasn't good enough. I hope that isn't the case. I just wish I could have my family back and I have no idea what to do but to do nothing. I just wish I could get a real reason as to why my relationship is over.

What did I do...

Its day 3 of the break up and it sucks but I think I am moving along ok. I still cry every now and again but I feel like I'm crying for my daughter because I just don't want her to lose her family. I want her to have both her parents at home together. It hurts me because of its like my fault that things are the way they are. I'm not even clear on what I did wrong to make him want to leave. I have been texting him to ask him what it is I did but he won't answer. He keeps giving me the cold shoulder and I feel I deserve to know what I did that was so horrible that made him want to leave. I'm always home, I never go out unless its with him, all I do is go to work and come home and take care of our daughter. I try to cook and clean when I can. I just don't know how things got so bad. I just wish I had a chance to know what to do different so I could fix this. I want to fix it. I not only lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend too. He was like my only friend. Now I have no one. I'm all alone except for my daughter. I just hate the way my life is right now. Hopefully, one day things will be okay. I just feel so lost right now. But I know that I just need to leave him alone just seems like he really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just hate that over 2 years of being together is just over like that. I just hold on to faith that things will work out and we will be a family again but until then I guess I'm in this alone. I have never cheated on him so you wouldn't think things would end so badly. I'm just still trying to understand all this. It just sucks.

Apartment search.....

Well I did some apartment searching today. It was a little frustrating. I went to 5 places. The first place I went to was in my price range. It was $535 a month but I went to the place and wasn't feeling it. It was all hardwood and I prefer carpet then just hardwood and it just looked old and outdated. I would not feel comfortable with me and my daughter living there. The 2nd place I went to seemed great but was out of my price range. I really wish I would have been able to afford that one on my own it would have been great to have my own bathroom in my room. I feel like I should have went there instead of the apartments I am at now last year. The 3rd one I went to was weird at first because they had the doors locked and it was 11:30 and they opened at 10 plus there were cars in front so I knew someone was there. The lady answered the door when I knocked and said she was on a conference call but I still think it was rude and unprofessional to have the doors locked during business hours. The apartments were in my price range because they went by income but they didn't have any available. The 4th place I went to I was just riding around and saw this house that had a for rent sign in front of it so I figured I would go check it out it took me awhile to figure out what to do because there was no number or anything in front of it but I had to ring two doorbells and the lady came to the door she said the apartment wouldn't be ready until September which is when I need a place anyway and she said it wasn't ready to be shown so I left. The last place I went to were new apartments I think they opened last year because I went last year when I was apartment hunting and had a bad experience. They go by income as well and when I went last year they made me make an appointment the first time I went which I thought was weird because most apartment places just let people walk in who are looking for a place. My appointment was scheduled for a month later which was way too long of a wait. When I finally got to go they told me the apartments that were in my price range were all taking so I wasted my time. This time when I went the guy I talked to actually took me to see an apartment and when I say it was perfect I mean it was PERFECT!!! The apartment had hardwood floors but at least the bedrooms were carpeted which I could deal with better than the whole place being hardwood. It actually comes with a washer and dryer not just a hookup. Plus the master bedroom has its own bathroom. It was just all around perfect and the price I would have to pay is $449 a month!! Now you cant beat that price anywhere. Unfortunately, there weren't any available at the time but like I said I won't need a place until the end of August anyway. The guy put me on a waiting list so hopefully I will hear something soon because he told me that some people can be on the waiting list for a day, a week, or a month it just depends. So I am hoping I hear something in the next 2 weeks before it is too late. One of these days I need to go put in my notice to move out whether I have a place to go or not there is no way I can resign another lease here. So I'm praying that the apartment I want comes through for me but until then looks like I have to keep looking until it does or if it does. I just don't know where to look. I would love to go somewhere that is fairly decent that's not a lot of people hanging around. Somewhere that I will feel comfortable at and safe and something affordable. We'll see what happens because I feel like I am in a time crunch I don't want to just settle for anything but I will have to start packing this apartment up soon hopefully in the next couple weeks I will find something nice for me and my daughter to call home.

Living in a nightmare....

I feel like this is all a bad dream. I still can't believe its over between me and my boyfriend after 2 years. I hope I will be able to get over it in time but right now its still fresh and it hurts. It just sucks that my daughter has to deal with it. Even though she's not aware of what's going on. I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish there was some way I knew what to do different. I don't know its just crazy and I am still shocked. I have to try and hide my tears and its not easy. I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare would be over and everything would be fine and happy. Now today I am going apartment hunting. I just hope I will be able to get something soon. I have until the end of next month to find something but I need to know now where I'm going so I can tell the front office I'm leaving and so I can start packing. The sooner the better. Well I'm off of here to go start the search. Wish me luck. I hope everything will be ok.

I can't believe it.....

Well it looks like me and my boyfriend are no longer together as of today. I am hurt and crying as we speak. I wish I knew what went wrong. Lord knows I tried. I just really can't believe it. I put in over two years in this relationship and this is what I get. He has put me through a lot of pain in this relationship but I still stuck around. I just wish we could have worked it out for the sake of our daughter. I never wanted to be a single parent. I thought we would be together forever but I guess I was wrong. I just wish there was something I could do to fix what happened to make it get to this point. Looks like its just gonna be me and my daughter from now on. I just don't want it to be over. Now I have to start looking for a new place to live. The apartments I'm at now is almost $700 a month and there is no way I will be able to afford it on my own. Who knows maybe one day things will work out but until then I am officially single.

I hate violence....

It seems like it so much violence going on in the world. I hate it. Lately, the country is engrossed in the whole tragedy of Trayvon Martin and him being gunned down by a guy who was told to leave him alone and the crazy thing is the guy was acquitted for killing him which is a disgrace because he should be in jail right now. I just hope a higher power will do there best to get him off the streets. Another tragedy that happened back in 2009 was with Oscar Grant. I wouldn't even know about what happened to him if it wasn't for a movie coming out about what happened to him. There is a movie called Fruitvale Station coming out about Oscar being killed by a cop for no reason on the subway. There were a lot of witnesses and a lot of people recorded what happened. There are videos on the internet of the incident. I looked up what happened and apparently the cop who did only got 2 years in jail. I know I could not watch that movie knowing that its going to end sad. I'm sure it will be good but I'm not a fan of tragedy. It just seems like its so many people getting away with killing people who don't deserve it.

One of my fav. movies...

One of my favorite movies that came on the other day is You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I always try to watch it when it comes on tv. It just seems so crazy how times have changed. With the internet and getting on the computer. In the movie, they use AOL and dial up. That's what we use to do when I was a kid. I miss those days. I'm glad we don't have to use dial up anymore because it was get on the internet or keep the phone line free. You couldn't be on the internet and receive phone calls at the same time and everyone didn't have cell phones back then like everyone does now. Everyone had landlines. The one thing I do miss about AOL is the chat rooms. They had all kinds of chat rooms you could go to now I don't even know how to find a chat room. Its like there are none anymore.

Friendless me.....

It sucks I know but I totally have no friends. I have one friend that I text on the phone every now and again but we don't hang out. I need friends to hang out with. I literally have no one. No one to go out to eat with or out to stores or something. How did my life get this way? I am the nicest person. You would think I have all these friends but no, no one. I had one friend who I met my first year in college. We were just starting to become close again while I was pregnant and the cool thing is we were pregnant together so we were going through it all together. I thought everything was going to be cool. We both had daughters and they were exactly a month apart born on the same day. Our daughters were suppose to best friends and grow up together. But sadly, she was killed while at a memorial for someone. I was shocked finding out while I was at work. I never lost anyone in that way before and it still hurts me to this day because I was with her the day before it happened. I will always be thankful to the LORD that I was able to see her before she left us. If I have another daughter one day I plan on naming her after her. I just really hate it that I don't have any friends. The only friend I really have is my boyfriend and we aren't even that close now and days hopefully that will change soon. Maybe one day I will actually start having friends, people to talk to on the phone. maybe go out to places with. It sucks being alone all the time I feel like I am always in the house with no where to go or be.

Puppy love....

A week ago, my boyfriend brought a puppy home. It seems crazy I have never had a dog before so its just weird to me but I can honestly say I love this dog. Its like another baby. I named her Shelly which is cool I get to name her what I wanted. I never expected to have a dog but I have said it years ago that if I had a dog I would name her Shelly because that's the nickname my sister would call me and I like the name Shelly Burger. If you are not familiar with music history, Shelly Burger was the Temptations former manager. I always thought it was funny a man being named Shelly Burger but I always liked it. I'm not sure what breed she is I will have to find out but it seems cool so far to have a dog. We want her to be a house dog so far so good. We'll see how things go with 2 kids in the house now....

I did it again.....

Hello, Looks like I did it again. Its been well over a year since I have been on here and posted. Well my daughter is officially 15 months today! Time sure does fly! I think in a year or so I will be ready for number 2. I just hope its another girl. However many kids I have I want all girls. Nothing against boys but I prefer girls. Especially with the experience I have had with my boyfriends son, I don't think I can handle a boy if he turns out to be like him. Anyway, I am STILL at my job that I have been at for over 3 1/2 years now. I am proud of myself that I have made it this long but I am actively searching for something better. I would like to get me some kind of administrative job somewhere. Preferably in a medical setting. I try my best to get on the computer when I can and look. Sometimes its not easy when most of the jobs it seems like you can do you don't qualify for because of experience. I'm sure a lot of people go through this when job hunting. How can I get experience when all the jobs say you have to have experience? Lord knows I'm trying to find a better opportunity for myself. The job I am at now is a dead end. I have been there almost 4 years and I feel its time to go. I deserve a job with better pay. I hate having to struggle check to check especially when its rent paying time all my money is gone. My boyfriend and I would love to get a house one day but I need to clean my credit report up before I can get a loan and start looking. I can't do that when I never have any extra money. The main reasons I am ready to leave my job is I want more money and I am in the low pay grade in my department. Everybody in my department makes more than I do and I am not exaggerating. Every single person that works in my department makes more than I do even the new people coming in start off making more than I do and its not fair. I feel like I work just as hard if not harder than most of the people up there. Everyday I go in there its like a slap in the face. Its not like I can quit. If a better opportunity would come along I would be out of there fast. Another reason is I want a Monday-Friday job I hate working weekends. I would be happy with a job that is no weekends and no holidays. And I need something that starts at 7 or 8 am. Right now, I am at work at 4 in the morning and have to depend on someone taking my daughter to daycare I want to be able to take her and pick her up and be home with her on the weekends. Its hard but I pray some of these jobs I apply to will start calling me in for interviews soon. I am ready to go.