Alone again...

 Well, Valentine's Day has passed and of course I end up spending it alone. The funny thing is it was the 1 year anniversary of the first time I spent time with my now ex BFF. As much as it sucks, it was time to let it go. Of course, I was trying to spend Valentine's Day with him with it being our 1 year anniversary and all but of course, he doesn't have time for me. It always seemed like he never had time for me. In the one year that he was in my life, we went on one date. ONE DATE! Every time I wanted to spend time with him he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't. The crazy thing is is that I hadn't seen him in 2 months and when I do see him the day before Valentine's, he shows up to my job for a comedy show with his son's mother. Then had the nerve to lie and say she bought tickets and invited him when all I had to do was look in the system and his name was on the tickets that he probably got from his job. So he invited her not the other way around. Which is messed up because when I want to go out and do things with him he doesn't have time but he has no problem making time for his son's mother. I hate that I'm not good enough to be asked on a date and get to be known. I feel like no one wants to be seen with me especially not in public. It's bad enough that she gets to see him on his birthday and holidays and apparently I'm not important enough to get to spend his birthday and holidays with him at least for a little while. I even told him all I wanted for Christmas was to be able to spend time with him. Did I get to? Of course NOT! It was time to let it go. There is no way I can compete with his son's mother and I shouldn't have to. It's apparent that she's way more important than I could ever be. Why do I always find the men who don't want to do anything but waste your time? Sadly, I believe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I just can't fathom that all these years have gone passed and I still have not found the one guy who doesn't want to do anything but love me and make me happy or he hasn't found me. I thought I had finally found my match but I was wrong. He would never let me into his world and I believe it has to do with his son's mother. I felt like he didn't want to mess up whatever dynamic they have by letting me into his life. Makes me wonder why they aren't together. Obviously, no one else is as good enough to be in your life so why not be together? She gets to see him way more than I do. I just don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that they have this co parenting relationship. I guess it should be a good thing that they can be friends and be there for their son together but that leaves everyone else out and again, not good enough to be in his world. I think I officially am giving up on love. I have tried to believe it would one day come for me but all these years later and nothing. I'm just trying to come to the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life and it does make me sad and a little teary eyed when I think about it but it's not like there is anything I can do about it. It is what it is....

12 years...

 I have officially been single for 12 years and I can actually say I'm not sad about it. I usually would be wondering why has it been this long and why a good man, the man that I have been praying for hasn't came into my life yet. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that because he is in my life. Everyday, I thank the LORD because it's nice to have someone to think about all the time and give myself some hope that I'm not going to grow old and be alone the rest of my life. 

This past weekend, I surprised him at his booth at the expo. He had such a big smile when he saw me and that day I found out that he's a protector. When we were walking to his truck, he made sure I wasn't walking by the street and when we got to his truck, he actually opened the door for me. Now I don't think I have ever been with a man who instinctually knew to open the door without having to be asked. He's a keeper in my eyes. Also, he asked me out and we went to watch a basketball game together. So that was technically our first date. It was fun and nice to be with someone who actually wanted to hang out with me. Every time I always tried to ask a guy out to do something fun I feel like I always got turned down so I couldn't even tell you when my last date was. I'm looking forward to more and just seeing where things go.

The Man in my life...

 I'm still in shock that I actually have a man in my life. We are not official or anything but he is the closest thing I have had to a man actually caring about me in a long time. This month I will have officially been single for 12 years. For a long time, I have prayed, hoped, wished, fasted, and manifested that one day a good man would come into my life and make me happy. It's looking like that day has finally came. I have prayed a LONGGG time and waited and tried to be patient because it has been a long wait with a lot of duds in between but I think GOD finally put the man that I have been praying for in my life and I am happy. I met him off Facebook dating which you would think you wouldn't find anyone good on there. I have been on and off on there looking for friends or a potential boyfriend and there were some decent guys and some not so decent but things never went anywhere with them. I started chatting with him May 16, 2024 and I know the exact date because I looked back at the beginning of our chat and it was shocking that it was the day after his birthday. We chatted off and on and I was about to forget about him because it seemed like I was the only one really interested because I was always trying to keep the chat going and I feel like he always ignored me but something always made me come back and say something although I was ready to give up on him. I always called him my BFF. To this day, I still call him that sometimes. We eventually started chatting on FB Messenger on July 12, 2024 instead of the dating chat and I bought a shirt from him because he has his own Merch business. We chatted off and on for months and then on February 11th of this year, he finally gave me his phone number and he officially became my BFF. I'm glad I still have all the chats to go back and look at them which is why I have all the dates 😄. We actually hung out for the first time on Valentine's Day. Which was nice because I never have any one to spend Valentine's with. This was the first time in a long time that I actually had a Valentine. I just went to his place and hung out. It was weird because usually when I meet someone online I'm always nervous to meet them in person. I can keep chatting forever but when it comes to talking on the phone or meeting you in person it's nerve wreaking but it wasn't with him. He lives an hour away and the closer I got I thought I would have been nervous but I wasn't I was actually excited and he has been in my life ever since. The sucky thing is I don't get to see him a lot maybe once or twice a month but I talk to him everyday and hopefully we'll figure out a way one day to get to see each other more but I'm excited and want to see where things are going. Two weeks ago, July 17th, which was the last time I saw him, he actually slipped and told me he loves me 💗now I don't know if it meant anything or not because it was quick as we were leaving each other but I can always say that he told me he love me first. It just feels nice to feel wanted and to be able to express myself without wondering if I should. It always puts a smile on my face when he calls me "baby" "boo" or "love".

I can definitely see a future with him. I just hope he doesn't have any drama in his life. He has a son so I hope there is no baby mama drama although from what I have seen him and his son's mom are friends which I do not know if that's a good or bad thing. Things are going good so far and I hope they stay that way. I'm thankful and definitely feel blessed to have him in my life. I do not think I could have found a better man to be in my life and be my BFF. It's been over a year since we first started chatting with each other to him actually being my friend. I wonder where things will be by this time next year. I hope by then I can officially say that he is my man and we are happy and working toward what our future will be together. Like I said, I couldn't have asked for a better man for GOD to put in my life. He's very handsome, sweet, educated, loves kids, is a family man, and can always put a smile on my face. I know when I pray I always thank the LORD for putting him in my life and finally sending the man that I have prayed for for a long time. I pray that this is the man that I will be blessed to grow old with and be there and support and love on and build with. I just want to get to the point where we can't imagine not having each other in our lives.

Pet Peeves...

 I feel like my biggest pet peeve is rude people. I have to deal with them everyday at work and everyday I say how much I am ready to quit my job or I just want to walk out and go home. I sit in a room all day, it's an open space. I try to have the doors closed so I can have quiet because my co workers like to chat and be loud and I like having privacy but people are opening my doors over and over coming in or going out and then they won't close the door. I have to get out of my seat to close a door that was already closed before that person decided to open to go out or come in. I feel like it's done on purpose and it is so rude to me. It just seems like common sense, if the door was closed before you opened it, close it back. I have just been patiently waiting on the day I can quit this job. I hope my next job will be a work from home job because I do not think I can take another office job if I'm going to have to go through this. It's not like it happens every once and a while. It happens EVERY DAY MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!! I can't wait for the day I won't have to deal with it anymore. That day can't come fast enough.

Waiting again...

 Well I thought I was going to get to go back to school but I might have to wait another year. Apparently, I still owe money to another collection place so now I'm trying to figure out how to pay them off so I can officially go back to school. I had to take a loan out of my retirement and once I get that money, I'll call them and see what the minimum payment is that I can pay to get this resolved. I just hate that every time I try to take a step forward, I have to take 10 steps back. I just pray that I can get this figured out. I'm so close but still feel far. If they won't accept the minimum I have, then I'm going to have to keep working and saving until I have what I need but who knows how long that will take so I might have to hold off another year. I'm just ready to finish and move on to the next thing in my life and I feel like I have been stuck in this part of my life for a long time. I just want it to be over. I hope everything will work out but until then I'm still in limbo.

I'm back again!!...

 It's been almost 2 years since I've posted. I have always wanted to come and write some thoughts but have been too lazy to do it. It is almost May and I am ready for Summer to come and go. I finally get to go back to school this Fall and finish my degree!! After all these years out I finally get to go back and I can not wait. I only have 4 classes left to take to get my degree and my minor and then I can graduate so by this time next year, I will hopefully be getting ready to graduate. It's overwhelming to think about after all these years, the end might finally come. I know I'll be crying tears of joy when the day is here just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's been a long road and it's almost over. Once I do graduate, I will be going back to school again. Because of the part time job I've had for years, I now want to get a degree in that field. First, an Associates then a Bachelors. I'm hoping to one day find a job that I love that makes decent money and I can retire from.

Job search...

I just applied to a job in the company I work for yesterday. I wasn't really job hunting but I saw a job that I had been interested in for awhile so I applied for it. It would be awesome if I got it. It's a remote job so I can work from home and it will be more pay. It would be weird if I did get it because I would have to quit my job that I have been doing for the last 7 years but it seems like I should be looking to move to the next thing since it has been that long. I was not planning on doing any job hunting until after I graduated but the way things are looking, I do not know when that will ever happen. I always go by the saying what is for me, will be for me so if this job is for me, I will get it.