The year is almost over....

This year will be over in 4 days. I am looking forward to a new year. I pray that next year will be better than the past two years because I have definitely been through hell. I just want to leave all the bad things from the past two years in the past and move forward to hopefully better things. I'm hoping for a new and better job, hoping that my life will become more stable and that I will eventually be able to have a good man in my life. It totally sucks being alone. I have been single for a ear and a half and have yet to even go out on a date with anyone. I'm ready for that to change. The guy I have been talking to I never see because he lives up north and never comes down here and with two kids I can't jut drop everything to go up there. I would love to be in a good, loving, stable relationship with someone one day I just wish it didn't take forever to have that one person in my life. Praying that the new year brings better things in my life. Just waiting to see what the new year brings I just hope it's not more hell. I have two years of nothing but hell I just want to officially be over.

Holidays almost over....

Christmas has passed and I can say that this Christmas was better than last year. It would have been nicer if I had a man in my life. I'm glad I was able to watch all my Christmas movies this year. The only thing is I wasn't able to buy my daughter anything being off work and my disability hasn't came in yet. She didn't miss out on anything though thankfully. I do plan on buying her a couple late Christmas gifts when I get the money so I will still be getting her something. I hope next Christmas will be even better.

The job search.....

I finally have internet at home now so I have started my job search. So far I have applied to over 40 jobs but no interviews yet. It is still the holidays so hopefully once it's over I will start hearing from jobs although there have been some jobs that have rejected me already. I am so determined to find something better. I am gong to keep looking until I can't look anymore. I wish I knew of some good websites to look at. I always go to Indeed but I want somewhere else to look. I don't care much for CareerBuilder although I have applied to some jobs with them most of their jobs posted are through temp agencies. I don't care for Monster or Simply Hired either. If I had the choice I would want to stay on in the company I'm already at and instead of quitting I would just be transferring. I have been at my job for over 5 years now and I would love to continue my tenure there but it is hard getting a job there. It's like trying to win the lottery it's impossible. It's sad that it's hard for people who already work for the company and been there for years can have as much of a hard time getting a job as someone who doesn't even work for the company. I just pray that I will be able to start getting calls soon I am determined to get away from my sucky job I need more money I have two kids to take care of now and the little bit of money I make there isn't going to help plus it would be nice to get a job where I don't work weekends and that my start time is 7 or 8 in the morning so I don't have to be up at 3 or 4 in the morning. Just praying for a better, brighter day. Hopefully everything will work out and I will have a new job in the next couple of weeks.

December 1st......

I had my baby December 1st. I'm so happy she's here and that it's all over. It was a very emotional time for me being alone through the whole thing. It was an easy delivery. My water broke while I was on the toilet and it started from there. I went to the hospital went to triage first to make sure my water really broke then I went to see my daughter in the waiting room before she left. She couldn't stay since they had flu restrictions on kids under 18. I went to my room and was put on antibiotics which burned and just watched TV for the rest of the time. Only got up out of bed to go to the bathroom which sucked because my water kept coming out of me which is an uncomfortable feeling. I sat for hours without feeling any contractions. I was put on Pitocin to help my contractions but wasn't feeling any real pain until late at night around 11. About an hour later, I was able to get my epidural which felt weird getting than the first time. So I had to endure the pain of contractions until I got it and it hurt like heck but I made it through them. Even getting my epidural the contractions were getting me but I got through it. After I got it, I just sat and tried to rest while the nurse would come in and check on me. It was time to push at about 5:30am. I pushed her out and she was here at 5:39am. It took her awhile to start crying and they had called the emergency team in just in case but she was fine after awhile. I got cleaned up and after I ate breakfast and the doctor checked the baby, I went to my room to recover. I had a pretty awesome recovery. I wasn't in any pain at all. I could go to the bathroom and it didn't burn or anything. My recovery was completely different than the first time. I was in pain and it always burned when I went to the bathroom and when I walked it always felt like my uterus was gong to fall out of me. I haven't had an issues and didn't need pain meds or anything. I felt so good that if I could I would have went back to work a week later. She's been here almost a month and it hasn't been too big of an adjustment except for the being up at night. I m proud to say that I am breastfeeding which didn't work out the first time and I thin the problem was I had a manual pump and not an electric one. I have an electric one thanks to insurance so my baby is only getting breast milk. The only thing that sucks is that my baby doesn't have a dad and I'm going through taking care of two kids alone. I'm hoping one day the LORD will put a good man in my life who will be there for me and my kids but until then it's just us.

The home stretch.....

I am finally in the home stretch of my pregnancy. As of now, I have officially 11 days until my due date. I am so ready for her to get here. I'm tired of being pregnant. The waiting game totally sucks. I keep hoping that I start having contractions or my water breaks but so far nothing is going on. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and she said I was measuring 40 weeks but I'm still only dialated to 1 1/2 centimeters so not much is happening. I'm just trying to get everything cleaned up and together before things start happening. Hopefully I'll be in the hospital by next weekend. All I can do is wait and see what happens.

I hate being alone.....

I was just thinking about how lonely I am. I hate it. I barely have any friends and of course I don't have a boyfriend. So I literally have no one to talk to. Is it too much to ask to be able to have someone to confide in, someone to go out on dates with, someone I can depend on, I don't have much of a life. I'm always in the house. I never go out to restaurants or to the movies. I just go to work and go home. It just sucks so much. I can't wait for things to be different and I can be happy. I feel like I have been alone long enough.

Getting in the home stretch.....

Well I have about 5-6 weeks before my baby gets here. I can not wait! I am a little disappointed that I'm getting so close and have yet to get anything for my baby. No clothes, bottles, diapers, nothing. I am not prepared at all. This is definately one of the things that suck about going through a pregnancy by yourself. I'm sure if I had a man around we probably would have pretty much everything. I won't be able to start getting stuff until the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I'll be moving the first weekend in November so I should be able to start getting stuff after that. I'm just so ready for this baby to get here. So I can have my body back and I feel like my life has been put on hold because I'm pregnant. I had to take the semester off from school because there was no way I could have a baby when finals was coming around and I had to stop my job search because there is no point in applying to jobs when I wouldn't be able to start for a couple months. I do plan on going back in January hopefully and once I go on my maternity leave I will continue job hunting again and pray my heart out that I will find something before my leave is up and I am stuck having to go back to the low paying job I am at now and I am not trying to go back. I have been working at the same place doing the same job for 5 years and have nothing to show for it. It is definately time to move on. The number one reason why I am ready to have this baby is to prove to my ex that this is his baby because he still has doubts and I am positive that this is his baby. I just wonder what's going to happen when the truth comes out. He keeps telling me that he still wants a future with me. Which is hard to believe since he is in a relationship with someone else and living with them. It is pretty obvious that we still have feelings for each other after all this time and after all the hell he has put me through. I honestly couldn't see myself with no one but him which is probably one of the reasons why I haven't been dating anyone considering we haven't been together in over a year now. He has been telling me lately that I'm his soulmate and we're going to get married and he is planning on buying a house and wants me to move in with him. It all sounds great but it's all talk right now. My motto is actions speak louder than words. I take anything he says with a grain a salt because his track record is bad. He usually says one thing but his actions do the opposite. I guess he is waiting to see what the verdict is on this baby before he makes any decisions. I know I would love for my kids to have their parents together. Both of us grew up with our parents not together and it would be nice for my kids to grow up with two parents in the home. I hate the way things are now with having to send my daughter off with him every other weekend. If we were together then we wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. I guess I'm just looking for something good to happen. One day I hope everything works out and I will finally get the happiness I deserve.

Can I get out of this nightmare?......

I can't believe its been over a month since my last post. Seems like a lot has happened. Well I have gotten kicked out of my apartment. I still can't believe it. I had trouble getting the money to pay my rent last month so the stinking landlord up and kicked me out. He only gave me less than a week to get out. I think its impossible to pack and find somewhere else to go in less than a week. I did my best and could not find anywhere to go. My credit score keeps biting me in the butt. I can not wait until I can get it up. Everytime I try to get an apartment I always get turned down and I'm sure its because of my score. I'm guessing people with bad credit scores have to be homeless because it seems like no one will give you a chance because of it. I tried everything in my power to get the money to pay my rent. I called around trying to get assistance, tried to take out loans but kept getting denied. Right now I'm staying at my sister's and we're just going to get a 3 bedroom at the apartments she's at. Which is what I should have went along with in the first place but I was determined to have my own place and look what happened got kicked out and the stupid landlord became evil after I couldn't pay my rent. Went back to the apartment yesterday to turn the keys in and to get the splitter from the cable company off the cable cord since I couldn't get it off when I moved. Of course the guy popped up and had some crap to say trying to start stuff. Talking about calling the cops. Mad I didn't clean the apartment up all the way then said he was going to garnish my paycheck because of it. I don't know if the guy realizes I'm pregnant or not but I had to pack and move out that apartment by myself with little help and by the time I got everything out of there it was 10:30 at night I had been going all day with very little rest and I don't know what more he could want I did pay a security deposit. I'm just glad I'm out of that apartment it was a blessing. It's so funny how when I first moved in the guy was nice than after I couldn't pay him he became evil. I guess its one of those you live and you learn type of things. I just can't wait until I can get a better paying job so I don't have to keep struggling and going through stuff like this.

Finally decided.....

So I finally decided when I am going to leave work. I am officially 26 weeks today. So I have 2 more weeks until I am 7 months and in my last trimester. So ready for this to be over. Surprisingly, this pregnancy has actually been a cake walk compared to my first one. I'm not in a lot of pain and I was in so much pain the first time around whether I was getting out of bed or getting out of a chair or walking, it hurt. The only time I'm in any real pain is when I'm at work and I have been on my feet. Once I sit down, it hurts to get up. Another thing is the first time around I was sick a lot and I haven't been sick at all this time. I want to see if I can get my doctor to write me a restriction saying I can only work 3 days a week. I feel like since I am getting closer to the end I should be trying to rest as much as possible and it is hard to do when I barely get much sleep. I'm usually in bed around 11 and I have my alarm set to go off at 3:50am so I only get about 4 hours of sleep every night then I have to go to work where I'm on my feet the majority of the day. I try to sit down as much as I can but I only have so much time because I do have work to do. Then when I get off I only get no more than 2 hours after I get off work to take a nap before I have to pick up my daughter and I know its not enough because I literally have to force myself to get up. Once I lay down its hard to want to get up. If I could work 3 days a week then I know I would not have to work weekends anymore which I absolutely hate and it would give me more time to be able to clean up since it is hard to want to do any cleaning after being on my feet all day all I want to do is rest. Anyway, I have decided my last official day at work is going to be October 31. So Halloween is my last day at work. It is a Friday so I would like to leave at the end of the week especially since its on the weekend I don't work. I'm just glad the month of August is almost over. Only 4 more days and it will officially be September and 2 more months until I can get away from my idiot job. It has definitely been a struggle staying at this place but I am literally counting down until I can leave. I hate not being able to job hunt but as soon as I have my baby I will officially be on the search again and I am praying I will be able to find something before my maternity leave is over because I do not want to step foot back ay this job again. I know it is time for me to leave because I had a breakdown the last weekend I worked because I didn't want to work and I hated having to send my daughter somewhere when she wanted to be with me. It hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything and I didn't have a choice. I am hoping the next job I get it will be a Monday-Friday job. I have never been a weekend worker and never will be one. The only reason I am now is because I don't have much of a choice. I am so ready to disappear from this job and hope to never have to see this place again. All I can do is pray for the best.

Almost 6 months....

I will officially be 6 months this coming Wednesday. I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. I am getting bigger and I don't have as much pain as I did my first pregnancy although I am starting to feel a little pain and I am always out of breath. It is killing me to not be able to job hunt. I want to so bad. I have 3 months until I go on my maternity leave and I will be off work for about 3 months. In that time, I plan on job hunting and applying to everything that I can and just pray that I will be able to get a job some where before my maternity leave is up. Once my leave is up, I'm going to have to go back to my sucky job and I am determined to not have to set foot back in that place. I know it is going to hurt me to have to go back after being gone for so long especially when I don't like being there now. All I know is I am counting down until I can leave that place. It is so hard to walk up in there everyday I always have to find the strength just to get through the day. I just hope my time is almost done there. All I know is I don't know how I'm going to be able to take care of myself and two kid plus pay rent and bills with the little bit of money I make there. Its time for me to go I just hate with me being pregnant I am just stuck there since I leave in three months there is no purpose for me to do any job hunting. I just pray that I will be able to find something better in the limited time that I will have. I just don't want to go back to that place and I hope I won't have to.

Finally found out.....

Well yesterday, I found out the sex of my baby. Needless to say I was nervous because I didn't want to go through gender disappointment if it turned out to be a boy. I just didn't know what I would do if I had a boy and I want my daughter to have a sister. I found out that I am having a GIRL!!! You do not know how relieved I was to find that out. That's what I prayed for and it is what I got. I am so happy. I feel like this is the first time I have really been happy during this pregnancy. I'm sure I will go back to be being sad eventually but right now I am happy because I am getting my other girl. I had a feeling that I would have another girl even though I was nervous. I feel like it was genetics. On my mom's side of the family, my grandma had two girls and her daughters( my aunt and mom) had two girls so I had a feeling it would happen to me too. I'm sure glad it did. Now I can focus on getting my apartment together and I'll worry about getting stuff for this baby in a few months. The doctor told me I will probably end up having this baby earlier than my due date because I am measuring early. I just hope I don't miss Thanksgiving, that would so suck. Another thing I need to figure out is what I am going to name this baby. I have only been thinking about the name Robin. I like that name for some reason so I will probably end up using it. The one thing that weighs heavy on me is if I am going to have to deliver this baby by myself. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post but there are two possibilities of who the father of my baby is. One is the guy that I went to go see in Chicago and the other is my ex. I am literally confused of who it could be because I messed with both of them a week apart. Stupid I know, but it happened. The guy in Chicago I messed with a couple days after my time of the month was over so I didn't think it could be him. I automatically assumed it was my ex's but then he started putting it in my head that it's either him or the other guy so now I'm sitting here confused everyday not knowing who my baby's father is and it sucks. As much as I dislike my ex right now it's a part of me that wants it to be his so I can prove to him that its his and he put me through all this hell for nothing plus I want my kids to have the same dad. I don't want my kids to have two different dads. Then again its a part of me that wants it to be the guy in Chicago because he has shown to really care about me although it freaks me out because we have barely spent anytime with each other so it makes me wonder how he is so sure about his feelings for me. I have told him a lot that all I want is friends right now since I don't see myself in a place to be in a relationship with anybody right now but he seems to be waiting for me which I don't understand since we live in two different places and he could be with anybody he wants to up there where he could see them anytime he wants to. I'm flattered but scared at the same time because I feel like every guy that I have had anything with has hurt me one time or another and I am not looking forward to it happening again especially after all the crap my ex has put me through. I do think that if this baby turn out to be his, it would bring us closer together. So I guess we'll see what happens. But I do feel like I am going to be in the hospital by myself having this baby. I have been going through this pregnancy all by myself so far its looking like I'll be all by myself all the way to the end unless something changes in the next couple of months before its time for me to have her. All I can do is wait and see.

Job search frustration.....

I would be so happy if I could find me another job now. Its just so disappointing that I have applied to probably 300 jobs in the past 2 1/2-3 years and I am still at the job that I have been trying to leave ever since. It sucks so bad that I am still at the place I feel like I am trapped. The few chances I have had to talk to anyone about a job I feel like I get my hopes up just for them to get crushed. I talked to a guy yesterday about a job that sounds like it would be a pretty good job. I would make a little more than what I am making now and it is Monday-Friday and no weekends which is definitely one of the things I am looking for in a job. The guy I talked to said he would start calling people in for interviews starting next week and as much as I hate doing interviews, I hope that I am chosen to do one because it would be so awesome if I could get this job and be able to finally quit the job that I am at now which is what I have been wanting to do for a long while now. The hours for the job I hope I can interview for are between 9am and 6pm. I know it would be so nice to not have to worry about not having to be at work until 9am especially when currently I am waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to go to work and I hate it so bad. I feel like I can barely get any sleep because I am not going to bed until late so I am only getting between 3 1/2-4 1/2 hours of sleep every night. I am ready for a change. The only thing that kind of scares me is the fact of me being pregnant I would hate to have to leave my job for 2 months after I would have just got started but I could really use a new job right now especially before this baby gets here. I'm just hoping everything works out this time and I will be able to get this job. I know that when I do get a new job I hope I like it because I would hate to be trapped at that place and spending 2-3 years trying to find another one. It is literally torture what I have been going through. Feeling trapped at a job that you hate to even wake up to go to everyday is not fun. I just want the torture to be over once and for all.

Finding out soon......

I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. The symptoms I have are tiredness all the time and I always feel like I am full. It is getting a little hard to move around in bed because of the weight on my stomach. I know I will be happy when this is all over. I think I have less than 5 months to go. So I hope these days and weeks fly by fast. This coming Monday, July 7th, I will officially be finding out what I am having. I am excited and nervous/scared at the same time. I have been praying that it is a girl. I will be so happy if it is a girl. If it turns out to be a boy I think I will be disappointed. I'm sure that I will eventually be fine with it after a while but I know I will be disappointed in the beginning. I would love for my daughter to have a little sister and I would just love to have another little girl. I have so much fun with my daughter I would just love to be able to have another girl to have fun with. It would also be a whole lot easier to fix my daughter's room up if it is another girl. I think it would be a little difficult to figure out how to fix the room up and make it half girl/half boy and I already have a lot of girl stuff because of my daughter. All I have to do is figure out when I will have time to clean and fix up that room since its so hard right now to want to do anything being tired all the time. So I just hope everything turns out good and I get my girl so I can be happy. I might actually start buying stuff too since I plan on going to the store after I find out.

Too much for one person to deal.......

I am in a bad place in my life right now. I keep asking myself why do bad things always happen to good people? I get treated like trash and I don't understand why. It all started Friday when my ex and daughter's father came to spend time with me on my day off like we did every now and again. We enjoyed each others company as always and went out to eat before he had to go to work. He was telling me that he talked to a guy at his job and was telling him that he screwed up meaning leaving me and getting involved with this other woman. I even gave him a little money to help him get his car fixed. Well Saturday morning, he's blowing my phone up calling and texting trying to come over telling me that he broke up with his girlfriend. My thoughts are finally now we can work on getting things right with us again. So, he stays with me and everything seemed to be going well. It was like how things use to be and he kept telling me that he was happy he was with me and it felt right like nothing changed. I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to be there and he would ask me the same. We both said yes. The last time I saw him was Thursday and we had went out to lunch after I got off work and before he went. After he got off, he calls me to tell me that he was going to stay at his dad's house that night because something was wrong with his dad's girlfriend. Later that day, I am at work and he texts me good morning then says we need to talk. He says he talked to his dad and that he was going to start staying at his dad's and wasn't going to be with anybody and was just going to work on himself. I'm thinking good for you and I was proud of him. Then I didn't hear from him after that. I texted him Sunday to say Happy Father's Day but he never texted me back. I texted him again a couple hours later asking if he was okay. Then I get a text back saying to don't contact him unless its about my daughter or this baby that I am pregnant with and that he is working things out with his girlfriend. Of course, I am completely shocked and confused. I didn't understand what was going on and I'm trying to talk to him. I call him over and over, text him trying to get answers and he wouldn't answer any of my phone calls and would only text me to tell me to stop calling him. How can you go from wanting to be with someone to treating them like dirt so fast? I was literally crying in front of my daughter which I hate that he made me do that. I still tear up thinking about it because she doesn't need to see me crying. Now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do this weekend because I do not feel comfortable with having my daughter go anywhere with him especially if he is going to be around that girl. She doesn't need to be around the mess that he caused. So I am probably going to have to call into work this weekend which I never do to be able to stay home with her because I do not want to have to explain to anybody why I don't want her to be with him right now. I just don't think its fair that I get treated this way. It hurts me so bad that someone I loved after all the crap he has put me through, the pain, the depression, would want to put someone he claims to love back in that place again. I wish he could feel how I feel and go through all the pain and heartache that he has put me through. I hate being here. I hate being sad and depressed all the time. I hate crying everyday. I cry over everything. I don't know if its my hormones or the depression but anytime anybody cries even my daughter it makes me cry. I wish he had never done this. It was only a week but that week caused alot of damage. I wish this whole thing had never happened I was fine before all this happened now I am depressed and in a bad place and don't know how to get out of it. I just pray for some kind of healing to my heart because I don't like being here. This kind of stuff makes you not want to trust guys at all because to go through stuff like this you are more better off alone than to have someone put you through so much pain that you don't know how to get out of.

Worn out......

It's been a while since I have been on here and posted. Just waiting to go into work right now. Since the last time I have been on here, I have finished my first semester of school but I haven't checked my grades because I am sure they are bad. I took on more than I could handle and I have learned my lesson. Now I am trying to redeem myself and do better these next couple of semesters. I am taking one class this summer semester. It's a computer class that I thought I didn't have to take but since I couldn't get a hold of an advisor to find out if I had to take it or not I just went ahead and took it. It is not too bad but the summer is faster than the fall or spring so all my assignments are due within two days of each other. The only difference with this class is I will be learning Microsoft Access. I never did that one before it would be nice to become familiar with it.

On another note, I am officially 14 weeks pregnant today. This pregnancy is moving along and in about 4 weeks I will be able to find out what I am having. I am praying that this is a girl. I feel like I am not a person who wants to have boys I want all girls so hopefully it works out for me. I still haven't told anyone that I am pregnant yet but that will be coming to an end soon since I am getting bigger everyday. I know the hardest part about being pregnant is working.  I am always so tired. I'm on my feet all day walking around for hours and it literally wears me out. I try to sit down as much as I can but I could definitely use some time off because I am tired all the time and have no energy.  I'm sure I'll be like this all the way through so I can't wait until I go on my leave.  As much as I shouldn't, I am still hoping things work out between me and my ex. We talk all the time and he tells me how much he misses me and misses being with me and we still love each other and sad to say we still mess around with each other even though he is with someone else. He asked me one day why when he thought long term he thought of me. The thing that bugs me is he wants to be with me, I know he does he tells me all the time but it is taking him forever to leave this other girl. It's obvious he doesn't want to be with her but for some reason he is taking his time. I feel like a real man would not treat women that way. Tell me he wants to be with me but continue to be with someone else and stay with a woman he doesn't want to be with and instead of breaking it off with her he would rather lie and cheat on her. I really don't care about her but I don't believe someone should be treated like that and I wouldn't want someone to treat me that way. I know the girl is pregnant but that doesn't mean he has to stay with her. He can still be in his kid's life without having anything to do with her. We will just wait and see what happens but I know I'm not going to wait forever for him to do something he should have did a long time ago.

Easter weekend....

Well it is about to be Easter weekend. I'm glad I am off work this weekend. I hope it will be a good weekend. So far, today I got some bad news and I am bummed about it. I finally got the call from the apartment place that I had been on the waiting list for. I was on the waiting list for a 2 bedroom for 9 months!!!! 9 freaking months I waited for them to call me. I left school early to take them my information and the guy called me today to tell me I got denied because of my credit. This sucks so much because it's been an extremely long wait and this is what happens. I thought all I had to do was to pay that debt to my first apartment and then I was in the clear but nope. It seems like no matter what I get paid off on my credit report my credit score stays the same. It seems like every time I try to take 2 steps forward I get knocked 10 steps back. I try and try and it seems like things aren't getting any better. I might still have a chance though because on Wednesday I went to see a apartment in a fourplex and it was kind of cool. It's a little small but I feel like I need to start somewhere and since I can't get the place I want then hopefully the landlord guy I talked to will let me get it. He seems like a nice guy and made it sound like he would let me get it. I hope everything works out because if he lets me move in I will be able to move with in the next 2 weeks and I am dying to get out of my grandmother's house. I can not stay there anymore. She is a very negative and evil person. It's sad I am finding that out after staying with her. I would never want to be put in the position to where I have to stay with her again. It is complete hell. The apartment is a fourplex like I said and the other tenants in it are older women. Not including the landlord he said it was a 65 year old lady and a 45 year old so it would be nice to be in a quiet building where you don't have to worry about young people running in and out and being loud. It's not really in a good neighborhood but I looked at the crime map and surprising its not much crime happening over there. So I will be calling the guy today and hopefully I will get some good news because I can't take any more bad news.

What I dislike the most.....

What I dislike the most is liars. I really hate liars. My ex is the biggest liar around. It is really sad how a grown man almost 30 doesn't know how to do anything but lie. I had just wrote a post about how he lied to me the past 2 weeks about his girlfriend getting an abortion and that he wanted to work things out with me and be in this baby thing with me. It was all a lie. It just makes me wonder what does he get out of lying, what does it do for him, does it make him feel good as a person to tell lies all the time? He is just not a good guy but he was the guy I fell in love with. Now I feel like I do not know who he is anymore. He is definitely not the same guy that I fell in love with. As much as I know I'm better off without him it is apart of me that still wishes things would have worked out and we were still together. It seems like after we broke up he just became a different person. It really hurts me how things are and the way he treats me like I'm this evil person that has done nothing but wrong to him. I have never treated him bad not the way he has been treating me. Who would want to be with someone like that? I just know I am better off and I can except that.

In complete shock......

Well apparently my ex's girlfriend is still pregnant. He literally lied this whole time and said she got an abortion. I guess she is further along then I thought because he said it was a boy. Imagine my face when he made it seem like I shouldn't be upset. You have been lying and telling me stories all this time and nothing was true. I feel like I have to eat my words from my last post because none of it is going to happen. He is still telling me to get an abortion and I thought we were done and he was excepting it and trying to be in it with me. This all has truly hurt my feelings. The other day he was treating me like he wanted to be with me. Laying with me, kissing me, telling me he missed us and then two days later to start treating me like nothing ever happened and start treating me hatefully because I won't get an abortion. You can not force anyone to get an abortion you can just choose not to have anything to do with it. I was already planning on doing this alone until he started playing these mind games and pretending that he wanted to be with me. I'm just left in tears because I don't understand how I can get treated this way. He makes it seem like I got myself pregnant. He keeps saying what am I going to do with another kid? I say shouldn't you be asking your girlfriend the same question? It's not even guaranteed that yall will even be together in the next year. She just might be stupid enough to stay with him after he done cheated on her and got the other girl pregnant. I just feel so lost and don't know what to do I feel like I have to go through all of this by myself. He's pretty much telling me that if I don't get an abortion that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't understand how anyone who claims to love someone would tell them to get an abortion and if they don't they don't want anything to do with them. I know a real man wouldn't say anything like that. It's sad when you don't know if anything that comes out of his mouth is true. It seem like everything he ever says is a lie. It is truly sad and I wish I wasn't going through this bull right now but it is what it is. I am going to have to figure out what I am going to do eventually but I plan on keeping this baby so I am sure I am going to have to go through all of this alone. I wish things could be different and I could be happy about things like I was in my last post but those dreams have been shattered now its back to a bad reality.

Boring day.........

Today is a boring day. I have been in the house all day. Wanted to get out but didn't so maybe tomorrow. I took a much needed nap. I feel like so far the symptoms I have are nausea when I smell a certain kind of smell, fatigue which I always had before I was pregnant and I feel like I get full fast. I think it's a little too early to be getting full fast after eating so I wonder what is up with that. What if I was having twins? That would be crazy but so cool. If I did I would want both girls. If I had to have a boy I would want a girl to come with the deal. I just want all girls and no boys so we will see if it works out that way. I have already set up my first 3 appointments and I'm ready to go to this first one so I can get the feeling of being pregnant to finally hit me and I want to make sure everything is going good. I do need to work on getting my own place. That is something I need to do within the next couple months. It just seems like there is a lot to do between working, going to school and taking care of my daughter. I am going to have to let my mom and sister know soon because I don't know if my sister would want to live with me knowing I'm about to have another kid. I guess we'll see how that works out. At least I should be able to qualify for assistance. I should be able to receive wic for myself again because I was able to have it when I was pregnant the last time. I can add this baby on to the ccdf that I am already getting and I should be able to get food stamps again. I guess before I can do all of that I have to get a proof of pregnancy. I'm not worried about the food stamps until I move so it is a lot to take care of. I have my first appointment in a week in a half then my second one 2 weeks from that and then my third one the beginning of June. I'm just ready to get this started and things situated. It just seems like a lot to think about.

Looks like things might be changing......

Well it looks like things might be changing for me. My ex and my daughter's father is starting to tell me that he wants to be with me again. I guess he is finally going to break up with his girlfriend and we are hopefully going to work on getting things right between us and our family. I have been saying since all of this had happened that I pray one day that GOD would slap some sense into him because I just couldn't see how he could throw everything away and move on to someone else so fast.  The other day he was telling me about getting an abortion because we weren't together. I don't know what it was that made him change his mind but I'm just glad we will be able to work on things before this baby gets here. I'm only 1 month in so far so there is plenty of time. I know before anything happens we are going to have to find time to have a long talk. We are going to have to get everything we need to say to each other out in the open. I will definitely have to work on my trust with him that is the main thing for me. I couldn't really trust him when we were together and the way he did the girl he's with now it just scares me. I don't want to be in a relationship if he is going to be sneaking around behind my back and cheating on me. I think we should start off slow I don't think I want to be in a full out relationship when he is about to get out of one. I hope things work out better this time around.

Another day.....

Well here's to another day. I am officially 27 years old and I will be 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Still haven't told my mom yet but I will be telling her soon. I told my ex and of course he tells me to get an abortion. I don't now how someone who claims to love you would tell you to get an abortion. I personally don't believe in abortions. I know this isn't a good time to be having another kid but GOD makes no mistakes. No one said life was suppose to be easy so all I can do is my best. Personally, I think he is telling me to get an abortion because he just doesn't want to have to come clean to his girlfriend that he has been cheating on her with his ex and his daughters mother and now he got her pregnant. He told me that she had got an abortion but then again I don't know if I should believe him. He likes to lie a lot and I'm thinking he would tell me she got an abortion to make me think well if she got one then I should get one too. I guess we'll find out in a couple of months if she really got one or not. I told him that if he doesn't want to have anything to do with this kid then he doesn't it is his choice but I don't believe in taking the easy way out so we will see how this plays out in the end.

I still can not believe that I am pregnant. It just seems so surreal. I don't think I will begin to believe until I have my first doctor's appointment then it will start to hit me. So far I haven't had any noticeable symptoms and hopefully it will stay that way. Yesterday, I was on YouTube looking up pregnancy stuff and came across this girl named Tiffany's vlog. Now I use to go to her vlog all the time when I was pregnant the first time. She did videos every week about her pregnancy. Come to find out she had another baby last year and did more week by week videos about this pregnancy. She really seems like a put together person. She has a boyfriend who became her fiancée and they bought a house together. I don't now about her but her fiancée seems to have a good job and they are raising their kids together. She also has an amazing body for someone with two kids. She eats right and works out and she just looks very together. Her hair always looks amazing whether she wears it curly or straight and her make up is always perfect and she has a nice sense of style. I wish I could get my life together like her. I always feel like I'm just frumpy looking all the time. I know after I have this baby I want to lose weight and do a better job at it then I did the first time around. I am going to do my best to exercise through this pregnancy. See if I can find some decent pregnancy workout video and use them through out. I am going to try and walk as much as I can and drink lots of water. That's all for now. I am going to keep writing as much as I can through this pregnancy I know I didn't do it like I wanted to the first time around.

This can not be real!......

Today I just found out that I am pregnant! OMG! It should be a happy time but right now I am in limbo and do not know what to do. I am scared to tell anybody and for now I am just going to keep it to myself. I had a feeling something was wrong because my period never came. I was at least expecting it today and it never showed up. This is the same thing that happened when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I didn't get my period, went to buy tests after work, went home took them and they came out positive. I hate that I am not even in a relationship so what's gong to happen? Am I gong to have to go through all of this alone? I had my ex with me the first time and I will probably be on my own this time. I am so scared to tell anybody right now I just want to give it some time to sink in first because this is seriously shocking to me. I can not believe this is happening right now. I know I am going to have to tell the father soon and it is no other than my daughter's father so at least my kids will have the same dad but this is not good news. We have been messing around for the past 2 months and he has been telling me since that he is still in love with me and he misses me and misses us together but he is still with the other girl he has been with all this time. He pretty much told me he would have rather been with me then her but yet he kept staying with her and would not leave. I figured it was because she had her own place to live and I didn't and he didn't either. Well come to find out last week he tells me she is pregnant so now he has 2 women pregnant at the same time. I so wish I could have given that girl advice before all of this happened. He not only has been cheating on her and lying to her face everyday but now he got the woman he has been cheating on her with pregnant and at the same time as her. Will see how long this relationship is going to last because I don't know any woman that would stay with a man who would put her through all of that. If he was any kind of real man he would have had the balls to tell the girl the truth from the beginning but no and now look at the situation he got himself into. I wonder what his reaction is going to be when I tell him because 2 months ago he told me he didn't want anymore kids and that he was going to get a vasectomy. Looks like he should have did it instead of talking about it because he is about to have 4 kids instead of just 2. I just hope I can keep myself out of his drama. He pretty much told me he is only staying with her because she is pregnant so we'll see how long that lasts. I just want to worry about doing what's best for me and this baby inside of me. I'm not too far along yet I think it will be 4 weeks on Wednesday. I do hope it is another girl though. I don't think I could handle a boy and I really don't want to but I will take whatever the LORD blesses me with. I am sad at how the guy I have been talking to is going to take the news. I know it is going to hurt him and I don't see a relationship happening with him once I tell him. All I can do is take it all day by day and hopefully everything will work itself out in the end. I do hope that I will be able to stay in school that is the one thing that I want to work out. I am so scared right now. I wanted to wait until I got married to have more kids and now I am in this situation and do not know what is going to happen or what I should do. Why me?

Took a little trip......

This weekend I took a trip up to Chicago to visit and spend time with my boyfriend. He lives in Chicago which is kind of cool because it gives me a reason to come up here but it could cause problems in the long run. Anyway, I came Friday by bus and wanted to make the 5:35pm bus but it was sold out and I could have took the 8:15pm which was the next one but I figured I could just take megabus but had to get my ticket online since they didn't have an actual station so I missed that. I went back to the bus station too late because I was figuring out if I should have taken the 8:15pm bus or stay in town and he was just going to come down here because I did not want to drive. So I sat around in my car waiting to hear what he wanted to do and he waited until it was 8:00pm to tell me to get on the 8:15pm bus so then I had to rush and get back to the bus station which didn't work out because I missed the bus and I think it was sold out so I stayed and waited for the 10:15pm bus. Finally got on the bus which already had a lot of people already on it and headed up to Chicago. The thing that bothered me was that my boyfriend was in a car accident Thursday so I'm wondering how I'm going to get to my hotel. I was able to catch a cab and instead of just taken me where I needed to go, the cab driver is trying to be all in my business then once I got to the hotel he had me give him my number which of course I gave him a fake number.  I'm sure he asks all the women who gets in his cab for their number. So I made it to my room and it was nice to be able to relax. I was planning on spending all of Saturday with my boyfriend but only got to spend 30-40mins with him all together because he had to leave to check on his car. I guess he was able to get his car out but it broke down on him and he had to wait for a ride. Well it is about to be 6:30 in the morning and I still haven't seen him. I leave today and I'll start heading for the bus station by 8. My bus leaves at 9:45. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get to the bus station, I guess I have to call myself a cab. I don't know if I will get to see him before I leave, I have call him twice already with no answer. So I feel like I pretty much wasted time coming up here and wish I hadn't of if I knew I was going to spend the whole time up here alone. The only good thing about coming was the hotel which I stayed in the whole time but I was able to watch kuwtk since I haven't had the chance of watching it since I don't have cable and I noticed that the Chinese places up here offer more food than they do at home. I saw coconut shrimp on the menu which is what I ordered and I have never seen it on any of the menus back home. I ordered myself some and if was okay but I think the coconut sauce was too sweet. I like the coconut shrimp that the sauce is like a syrup. I am ready to go back home but not ready to go back to my life of school and work.

New month approaching.......

February is almost over. One more day and it will be March. My birthday month and my daughter's. I am still trying to figure out what to do for her birthday. It's tough trying to figure out what to do for a two year old. I'm thinking something simple. I don't think I should worry about having parties until she's a little older but we'll see.

Yesterday, I finally paid off my old apartment! Seems like it took forever to do but I got it done and even had a little discount. Since I wanted to pay the whole thing I got 15 percent off so instead of paying $1520, I only had to pay $1292. It wasn't much off but it was something and now it's all paid off and hopefully I will be able to get an apartment when I'm ready. I have already tried 2 times to get a place and got rejected and I am sure it was because of the money I still owed to that apartment. It's a great weight lifted off my shoulders. Thankful for my tax money because that's what helped to get it paid now I just have to pay some more stuff off that's on my credit report and get my score up then I will be able to get what I want. It looks like me and my sister will be moving in together. I don't know how I feel about that because it would be nice to have my own space. What if I wanted my boyfriend to come over or have my friends over. I would feel awkward and I should be able to feel comfortable in my own place. The same with her friends I don't want to feel awkward if she has some come over. I hope I can get the 3 bedroom that I applied for. I have been on the waiting list for either a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment at a complex for over 7 months. It sucks just waiting. I want to get something but can't seem to get them to call me. I would only have to pay $524 for a new 3 bedroom apartment at this place. I wish they would just call me already. So sick of waiting but until I actually get a place, I don't have a choice. I hope they will call but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Online dating again?......

Well it looks like I'm back to the online dating again. The first two guys didn't work out but maybe the third time is the charm. I met another guy and so far it looks like things are working out. We talk everyday and he seems to be really interested in me. He is 34 years old so definitely older than me which I like. It seems like he knows what he wants in life. He said he's been married before and he has 2 kids, a 10 year old boy and a 2 almost 3 year old girl. Of course there has to be a problem. So far we haven't met each other yet face to face because he lives in Chicago. He says he comes here often because he takes care of his grandparents and they live down here. I do really like him and who knows he might be good for me. If I remember correctly he told me that he is a field supervisor for a real estate developer. I don't know how a long distance relationship is going to work but we'll see. I wouldn't mind going up there to see him one day but I feel like I would need to get use to him first before I start making trips. At least I know he is interested in me he has told me that he wants us to be together but of course I am hesitant because we pretty much have just met and have only talked and texted on the phone. I am interested in him more than the first guy I started talking to online because he was in a rush to start a relationship with me when we first met and I just can't see myself jumping into a relationship with someone I barely know. I would like to at least spend some time together, get to know each other before we decide to be together. It is nice to have a guy who seems to be interested in me. I guess we'll see how things play out. Hopefully everything works out. Right now, I am just waiting for the day that we get to see each other face to face to see if we have a connection once we're together. I am anxious and nervous about when that time will come but I am looking forward to it.

Ready to call it quits.....

I am so over my job. I want to quit so bad its not funny. I feel like I'm getting taking advantage of. It never fails, the past 4 weekends I have had to work the person I am suppose to work with always calls in. It is getting old and I am sick of having to do a two person job by myself all the time. It pisses me off that I make the lowest pay in the department but still end up having to do everything by myself all the time. I so wanted to walk out of that place so bad today and I know I will be stuck alone again tomorrow. I am ready to start job hunting but I have to fix my resume up first. There are places that I find that I want to apply to but until I get my resume fixed I can't do anything. I just know I have to get out of that pace one way or another. It always reminds me of why I am in school and what I want to do with my life. I know I don't want to have to deal with a job like this for the rest my life. I hope that before this year is over I will have found something else. I can not take another year at this place.

School.....

Well I am officially back in school and I am glad to be back. I am just hoping that I can make it through this semester. So far, we are in week 4 and I feel like I am having a hard time trying to keep up. I am taking 4 classes this semester and it is not easy. I feel like I don't have enough time to keep up with assignments. I only have so much time to do them. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have 2 classes back to back after I get off of work and then I have to pick up my daughter. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I have a little time to get some work done after I get off of work and before I pick up my daughter. It just never seems like its enough hours in the day. I'm trying to be positive and to believe I can get through. I have to make it through. I have no other choice. I don't want to ruin my chances of graduating with this school. I am determined to make something of myself and not have to keep working at jobs where I work my butt off and have nothing to show for it. I want to one day be able to buy me a nice house and to provide for my daughter and any other future children I will have. I am trying my best to stay motivated and it's not easy but I try to think everyday about why I am in school and why it is important for me to make it through and graduate. I want to get there so much. I believe I can make it. I just have to.....

It's February!......

I'm am glad it is February. Hopefully that means that by the end of this month I will be looking forward to moving into my own place. I have been staying with my grandmother for 6 months by the end of this month and I am ready to have a place to call my own. Luckily, it is tax time so I should be getting a little money back from that and I will try to pay off some of my debts with it as well as try to move. Today, I am going to go to my top 3 places that I am looking to move to and now that I officially am about to start receiving child support, I will be able to afford a decent place. The places that I am going to look at are nice sized, 2 bedroom, 2 bath places and I think they all have washers and dryers included with them. I just so hope I can get my own place in the next couple of weeks. I will be glad when I can do what I want when I want to. Right now, I just need to get me a place and hopefully it will be one of my top 3 choices that I can get into.

Snowed in......

I am in the house snowed in. Glad I didn't have to go to work today. I was already taking today off because I was suppose to go to court for child support. Tomorrow is my regular day off so I get two days off and out of the weather. Hopefully things will be better Wednesday. The weather is so bad the governor is telling everyone not to drive and to stay in the house. They are actually writing tickets to people who do because they are saying it is illegal to drive in this weather. The temperature is the lowest it has been in 20 years in super negative degrees. It's so crazy. I will be happy when everything is back to normal. The snow is nice to look at but horrible to deal with. I will be happy when winter is officially over. I am in kind of a bad mood thanks to my daughter's father. He has to be the dumbest most disrespectful person ever. He texts me to have my daughter tango him so I do it. At first, he talks to her but then has the nerve to put his girlfriend on to talk to my daughter. I didn't let him talk to her so he could put his girlfriend on. That is rude and disrespectful. It's bad enough that I have to deal with him bringing her around when he picks or drops off my daughter but that was crossing the line. Then he wonders why I don't like talking to him and why I don't answer the phone when he calls. He doesn't care about anybody else's feelings never stops to think about how his actions affect another person. I really don't like to wish bad things on people but I hope he gets everything that's coming to him after all the crap he had put me through. I'm still waiting on the day it all happens to him. He goes about everything the wrong way and doesn't care. On another note, I think the guy that I had a crush on doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. As I write this its making me tear up. I haven't really talked to him in over 2 weeks. I try to text him but he never texts me back. It's not like we have done anything for me to feel so strongly that it makes me want to cry but I really liked him a lot. I don't see myself finding another guy like him. He seemed to be one of a kind and perfect. Looks like I was wrong. As much as I wish I had a love in my life sometimes I feel like I am better off alone. No way to be hurt except for the feeling of loneliness.