Finally found out.....

Well yesterday, I found out the sex of my baby. Needless to say I was nervous because I didn't want to go through gender disappointment if it turned out to be a boy. I just didn't know what I would do if I had a boy and I want my daughter to have a sister. I found out that I am having a GIRL!!! You do not know how relieved I was to find that out. That's what I prayed for and it is what I got. I am so happy. I feel like this is the first time I have really been happy during this pregnancy. I'm sure I will go back to be being sad eventually but right now I am happy because I am getting my other girl. I had a feeling that I would have another girl even though I was nervous. I feel like it was genetics. On my mom's side of the family, my grandma had two girls and her daughters( my aunt and mom) had two girls so I had a feeling it would happen to me too. I'm sure glad it did. Now I can focus on getting my apartment together and I'll worry about getting stuff for this baby in a few months. The doctor told me I will probably end up having this baby earlier than my due date because I am measuring early. I just hope I don't miss Thanksgiving, that would so suck. Another thing I need to figure out is what I am going to name this baby. I have only been thinking about the name Robin. I like that name for some reason so I will probably end up using it. The one thing that weighs heavy on me is if I am going to have to deliver this baby by myself. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post but there are two possibilities of who the father of my baby is. One is the guy that I went to go see in Chicago and the other is my ex. I am literally confused of who it could be because I messed with both of them a week apart. Stupid I know, but it happened. The guy in Chicago I messed with a couple days after my time of the month was over so I didn't think it could be him. I automatically assumed it was my ex's but then he started putting it in my head that it's either him or the other guy so now I'm sitting here confused everyday not knowing who my baby's father is and it sucks. As much as I dislike my ex right now it's a part of me that wants it to be his so I can prove to him that its his and he put me through all this hell for nothing plus I want my kids to have the same dad. I don't want my kids to have two different dads. Then again its a part of me that wants it to be the guy in Chicago because he has shown to really care about me although it freaks me out because we have barely spent anytime with each other so it makes me wonder how he is so sure about his feelings for me. I have told him a lot that all I want is friends right now since I don't see myself in a place to be in a relationship with anybody right now but he seems to be waiting for me which I don't understand since we live in two different places and he could be with anybody he wants to up there where he could see them anytime he wants to. I'm flattered but scared at the same time because I feel like every guy that I have had anything with has hurt me one time or another and I am not looking forward to it happening again especially after all the crap my ex has put me through. I do think that if this baby turn out to be his, it would bring us closer together. So I guess we'll see what happens. But I do feel like I am going to be in the hospital by myself having this baby. I have been going through this pregnancy all by myself so far its looking like I'll be all by myself all the way to the end unless something changes in the next couple of months before its time for me to have her. All I can do is wait and see.

Job search frustration.....

I would be so happy if I could find me another job now. Its just so disappointing that I have applied to probably 300 jobs in the past 2 1/2-3 years and I am still at the job that I have been trying to leave ever since. It sucks so bad that I am still at the place I feel like I am trapped. The few chances I have had to talk to anyone about a job I feel like I get my hopes up just for them to get crushed. I talked to a guy yesterday about a job that sounds like it would be a pretty good job. I would make a little more than what I am making now and it is Monday-Friday and no weekends which is definitely one of the things I am looking for in a job. The guy I talked to said he would start calling people in for interviews starting next week and as much as I hate doing interviews, I hope that I am chosen to do one because it would be so awesome if I could get this job and be able to finally quit the job that I am at now which is what I have been wanting to do for a long while now. The hours for the job I hope I can interview for are between 9am and 6pm. I know it would be so nice to not have to worry about not having to be at work until 9am especially when currently I am waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to go to work and I hate it so bad. I feel like I can barely get any sleep because I am not going to bed until late so I am only getting between 3 1/2-4 1/2 hours of sleep every night. I am ready for a change. The only thing that kind of scares me is the fact of me being pregnant I would hate to have to leave my job for 2 months after I would have just got started but I could really use a new job right now especially before this baby gets here. I'm just hoping everything works out this time and I will be able to get this job. I know that when I do get a new job I hope I like it because I would hate to be trapped at that place and spending 2-3 years trying to find another one. It is literally torture what I have been going through. Feeling trapped at a job that you hate to even wake up to go to everyday is not fun. I just want the torture to be over once and for all.

Finding out soon......

I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. The symptoms I have are tiredness all the time and I always feel like I am full. It is getting a little hard to move around in bed because of the weight on my stomach. I know I will be happy when this is all over. I think I have less than 5 months to go. So I hope these days and weeks fly by fast. This coming Monday, July 7th, I will officially be finding out what I am having. I am excited and nervous/scared at the same time. I have been praying that it is a girl. I will be so happy if it is a girl. If it turns out to be a boy I think I will be disappointed. I'm sure that I will eventually be fine with it after a while but I know I will be disappointed in the beginning. I would love for my daughter to have a little sister and I would just love to have another little girl. I have so much fun with my daughter I would just love to be able to have another girl to have fun with. It would also be a whole lot easier to fix my daughter's room up if it is another girl. I think it would be a little difficult to figure out how to fix the room up and make it half girl/half boy and I already have a lot of girl stuff because of my daughter. All I have to do is figure out when I will have time to clean and fix up that room since its so hard right now to want to do anything being tired all the time. So I just hope everything turns out good and I get my girl so I can be happy. I might actually start buying stuff too since I plan on going to the store after I find out.