Still pathetic...

My life is still looking pathetic. I actually had a free night to myself and no one to spend it with. When is this loneliness ever going to end? It's really getting old. Times like this really shows you how friendless you are. I will be happy when I actually have a friend who will be there for me when I need it. It just makes me feel bad that I can't find that one person to be there when I need them.

Why is finding love so hard?...

I never realized that finding love would be so hard. Once I had officially hit the 5 year mark of singleness it occurred to me that its hard to find. I know there has to be someone out of these millions of people in the world for me but it doesn't seem like it. Its not like I am looking for an instant boyfriend. I just want a friend who wants to spend time with me, talk and get to know me, have fun, and go out on dates. Then in a few months I would hope that would turn into a relationship, then love, and then possibly marriage and a happy life building our family and growing old together. I hate that I want what I want when it feels like I will never get it. When you are single it feels like everyone is in a relationship with someone but you. I just hate the feeling of loneliness and feeling like I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm not that old but I'm not getting any younger either. My goal is to be able to have at least two more kids before I turn 40 so I still have time but I don't want to be close to 40 when it happens. Why can't life go the way you imagine and dream it to be? If I had it my way, I would be in a relationship and having fun going on dates and staying in watching tv and movies, enjoying every second I have with my love, waiting on a surprise proposal. Not sure if I want to have a wedding but I would want to wait at least 6 months to a year after marriage to start having kids because I want to enjoy time with my husband before more babies are brought into the picture. We'll have a nice sized house in a nice community where we can enjoy our summers and take care of our family. All I really want is someone to love who will equally love me the same. I don't know why that is hard but 50 percent of me wants to give up and the other 50 tells me to keep holding on hope so its definitely a tug of war feeling that will hopefully be over one day.