This can not be real!......

Today I just found out that I am pregnant! OMG! It should be a happy time but right now I am in limbo and do not know what to do. I am scared to tell anybody and for now I am just going to keep it to myself. I had a feeling something was wrong because my period never came. I was at least expecting it today and it never showed up. This is the same thing that happened when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I didn't get my period, went to buy tests after work, went home took them and they came out positive. I hate that I am not even in a relationship so what's gong to happen? Am I gong to have to go through all of this alone? I had my ex with me the first time and I will probably be on my own this time. I am so scared to tell anybody right now I just want to give it some time to sink in first because this is seriously shocking to me. I can not believe this is happening right now. I know I am going to have to tell the father soon and it is no other than my daughter's father so at least my kids will have the same dad but this is not good news. We have been messing around for the past 2 months and he has been telling me since that he is still in love with me and he misses me and misses us together but he is still with the other girl he has been with all this time. He pretty much told me he would have rather been with me then her but yet he kept staying with her and would not leave. I figured it was because she had her own place to live and I didn't and he didn't either. Well come to find out last week he tells me she is pregnant so now he has 2 women pregnant at the same time. I so wish I could have given that girl advice before all of this happened. He not only has been cheating on her and lying to her face everyday but now he got the woman he has been cheating on her with pregnant and at the same time as her. Will see how long this relationship is going to last because I don't know any woman that would stay with a man who would put her through all of that. If he was any kind of real man he would have had the balls to tell the girl the truth from the beginning but no and now look at the situation he got himself into. I wonder what his reaction is going to be when I tell him because 2 months ago he told me he didn't want anymore kids and that he was going to get a vasectomy. Looks like he should have did it instead of talking about it because he is about to have 4 kids instead of just 2. I just hope I can keep myself out of his drama. He pretty much told me he is only staying with her because she is pregnant so we'll see how long that lasts. I just want to worry about doing what's best for me and this baby inside of me. I'm not too far along yet I think it will be 4 weeks on Wednesday. I do hope it is another girl though. I don't think I could handle a boy and I really don't want to but I will take whatever the LORD blesses me with. I am sad at how the guy I have been talking to is going to take the news. I know it is going to hurt him and I don't see a relationship happening with him once I tell him. All I can do is take it all day by day and hopefully everything will work itself out in the end. I do hope that I will be able to stay in school that is the one thing that I want to work out. I am so scared right now. I wanted to wait until I got married to have more kids and now I am in this situation and do not know what is going to happen or what I should do. Why me?

Took a little trip......

This weekend I took a trip up to Chicago to visit and spend time with my boyfriend. He lives in Chicago which is kind of cool because it gives me a reason to come up here but it could cause problems in the long run. Anyway, I came Friday by bus and wanted to make the 5:35pm bus but it was sold out and I could have took the 8:15pm which was the next one but I figured I could just take megabus but had to get my ticket online since they didn't have an actual station so I missed that. I went back to the bus station too late because I was figuring out if I should have taken the 8:15pm bus or stay in town and he was just going to come down here because I did not want to drive. So I sat around in my car waiting to hear what he wanted to do and he waited until it was 8:00pm to tell me to get on the 8:15pm bus so then I had to rush and get back to the bus station which didn't work out because I missed the bus and I think it was sold out so I stayed and waited for the 10:15pm bus. Finally got on the bus which already had a lot of people already on it and headed up to Chicago. The thing that bothered me was that my boyfriend was in a car accident Thursday so I'm wondering how I'm going to get to my hotel. I was able to catch a cab and instead of just taken me where I needed to go, the cab driver is trying to be all in my business then once I got to the hotel he had me give him my number which of course I gave him a fake number.  I'm sure he asks all the women who gets in his cab for their number. So I made it to my room and it was nice to be able to relax. I was planning on spending all of Saturday with my boyfriend but only got to spend 30-40mins with him all together because he had to leave to check on his car. I guess he was able to get his car out but it broke down on him and he had to wait for a ride. Well it is about to be 6:30 in the morning and I still haven't seen him. I leave today and I'll start heading for the bus station by 8. My bus leaves at 9:45. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get to the bus station, I guess I have to call myself a cab. I don't know if I will get to see him before I leave, I have call him twice already with no answer. So I feel like I pretty much wasted time coming up here and wish I hadn't of if I knew I was going to spend the whole time up here alone. The only good thing about coming was the hotel which I stayed in the whole time but I was able to watch kuwtk since I haven't had the chance of watching it since I don't have cable and I noticed that the Chinese places up here offer more food than they do at home. I saw coconut shrimp on the menu which is what I ordered and I have never seen it on any of the menus back home. I ordered myself some and if was okay but I think the coconut sauce was too sweet. I like the coconut shrimp that the sauce is like a syrup. I am ready to go back home but not ready to go back to my life of school and work.

New month approaching.......

February is almost over. One more day and it will be March. My birthday month and my daughter's. I am still trying to figure out what to do for her birthday. It's tough trying to figure out what to do for a two year old. I'm thinking something simple. I don't think I should worry about having parties until she's a little older but we'll see.

Yesterday, I finally paid off my old apartment! Seems like it took forever to do but I got it done and even had a little discount. Since I wanted to pay the whole thing I got 15 percent off so instead of paying $1520, I only had to pay $1292. It wasn't much off but it was something and now it's all paid off and hopefully I will be able to get an apartment when I'm ready. I have already tried 2 times to get a place and got rejected and I am sure it was because of the money I still owed to that apartment. It's a great weight lifted off my shoulders. Thankful for my tax money because that's what helped to get it paid now I just have to pay some more stuff off that's on my credit report and get my score up then I will be able to get what I want. It looks like me and my sister will be moving in together. I don't know how I feel about that because it would be nice to have my own space. What if I wanted my boyfriend to come over or have my friends over. I would feel awkward and I should be able to feel comfortable in my own place. The same with her friends I don't want to feel awkward if she has some come over. I hope I can get the 3 bedroom that I applied for. I have been on the waiting list for either a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment at a complex for over 7 months. It sucks just waiting. I want to get something but can't seem to get them to call me. I would only have to pay $524 for a new 3 bedroom apartment at this place. I wish they would just call me already. So sick of waiting but until I actually get a place, I don't have a choice. I hope they will call but I wouldn't hold my breath.

Online dating again?......

Well it looks like I'm back to the online dating again. The first two guys didn't work out but maybe the third time is the charm. I met another guy and so far it looks like things are working out. We talk everyday and he seems to be really interested in me. He is 34 years old so definitely older than me which I like. It seems like he knows what he wants in life. He said he's been married before and he has 2 kids, a 10 year old boy and a 2 almost 3 year old girl. Of course there has to be a problem. So far we haven't met each other yet face to face because he lives in Chicago. He says he comes here often because he takes care of his grandparents and they live down here. I do really like him and who knows he might be good for me. If I remember correctly he told me that he is a field supervisor for a real estate developer. I don't know how a long distance relationship is going to work but we'll see. I wouldn't mind going up there to see him one day but I feel like I would need to get use to him first before I start making trips. At least I know he is interested in me he has told me that he wants us to be together but of course I am hesitant because we pretty much have just met and have only talked and texted on the phone. I am interested in him more than the first guy I started talking to online because he was in a rush to start a relationship with me when we first met and I just can't see myself jumping into a relationship with someone I barely know. I would like to at least spend some time together, get to know each other before we decide to be together. It is nice to have a guy who seems to be interested in me. I guess we'll see how things play out. Hopefully everything works out. Right now, I am just waiting for the day that we get to see each other face to face to see if we have a connection once we're together. I am anxious and nervous about when that time will come but I am looking forward to it.

Ready to call it quits.....

I am so over my job. I want to quit so bad its not funny. I feel like I'm getting taking advantage of. It never fails, the past 4 weekends I have had to work the person I am suppose to work with always calls in. It is getting old and I am sick of having to do a two person job by myself all the time. It pisses me off that I make the lowest pay in the department but still end up having to do everything by myself all the time. I so wanted to walk out of that place so bad today and I know I will be stuck alone again tomorrow. I am ready to start job hunting but I have to fix my resume up first. There are places that I find that I want to apply to but until I get my resume fixed I can't do anything. I just know I have to get out of that pace one way or another. It always reminds me of why I am in school and what I want to do with my life. I know I don't want to have to deal with a job like this for the rest my life. I hope that before this year is over I will have found something else. I can not take another year at this place.

School.....

Well I am officially back in school and I am glad to be back. I am just hoping that I can make it through this semester. So far, we are in week 4 and I feel like I am having a hard time trying to keep up. I am taking 4 classes this semester and it is not easy. I feel like I don't have enough time to keep up with assignments. I only have so much time to do them. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have 2 classes back to back after I get off of work and then I have to pick up my daughter. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I have a little time to get some work done after I get off of work and before I pick up my daughter. It just never seems like its enough hours in the day. I'm trying to be positive and to believe I can get through. I have to make it through. I have no other choice. I don't want to ruin my chances of graduating with this school. I am determined to make something of myself and not have to keep working at jobs where I work my butt off and have nothing to show for it. I want to one day be able to buy me a nice house and to provide for my daughter and any other future children I will have. I am trying my best to stay motivated and it's not easy but I try to think everyday about why I am in school and why it is important for me to make it through and graduate. I want to get there so much. I believe I can make it. I just have to.....

It's February!......

I'm am glad it is February. Hopefully that means that by the end of this month I will be looking forward to moving into my own place. I have been staying with my grandmother for 6 months by the end of this month and I am ready to have a place to call my own. Luckily, it is tax time so I should be getting a little money back from that and I will try to pay off some of my debts with it as well as try to move. Today, I am going to go to my top 3 places that I am looking to move to and now that I officially am about to start receiving child support, I will be able to afford a decent place. The places that I am going to look at are nice sized, 2 bedroom, 2 bath places and I think they all have washers and dryers included with them. I just so hope I can get my own place in the next couple of weeks. I will be glad when I can do what I want when I want to. Right now, I just need to get me a place and hopefully it will be one of my top 3 choices that I can get into.