Alone again...

 Well, Valentine's Day has passed and of course I end up spending it alone. The funny thing is it was the 1 year anniversary of the first time I spent time with my now ex BFF. As much as it sucks, it was time to let it go. Of course, I was trying to spend Valentine's Day with him with it being our 1 year anniversary and all but of course, he doesn't have time for me. It always seemed like he never had time for me. In the one year that he was in my life, we went on one date. ONE DATE! Every time I wanted to spend time with him he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't. The crazy thing is is that I hadn't seen him in 2 months and when I do see him the day before Valentine's, he shows up to my job for a comedy show with his son's mother. Then had the nerve to lie and say she bought tickets and invited him when all I had to do was look in the system and his name was on the tickets that he probably got from his job. So he invited her not the other way around. Which is messed up because when I want to go out and do things with him he doesn't have time but he has no problem making time for his son's mother. I hate that I'm not good enough to be asked on a date and get to be known. I feel like no one wants to be seen with me especially not in public. It's bad enough that she gets to see him on his birthday and holidays and apparently I'm not important enough to get to spend his birthday and holidays with him at least for a little while. I even told him all I wanted for Christmas was to be able to spend time with him. Did I get to? Of course NOT! It was time to let it go. There is no way I can compete with his son's mother and I shouldn't have to. It's apparent that she's way more important than I could ever be. Why do I always find the men who don't want to do anything but waste your time? Sadly, I believe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I just can't fathom that all these years have gone passed and I still have not found the one guy who doesn't want to do anything but love me and make me happy or he hasn't found me. I thought I had finally found my match but I was wrong. He would never let me into his world and I believe it has to do with his son's mother. I felt like he didn't want to mess up whatever dynamic they have by letting me into his life. Makes me wonder why they aren't together. Obviously, no one else is as good enough to be in your life so why not be together? She gets to see him way more than I do. I just don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that they have this co parenting relationship. I guess it should be a good thing that they can be friends and be there for their son together but that leaves everyone else out and again, not good enough to be in his world. I think I officially am giving up on love. I have tried to believe it would one day come for me but all these years later and nothing. I'm just trying to come to the fact that I may be alone for the rest of my life and it does make me sad and a little teary eyed when I think about it but it's not like there is anything I can do about it. It is what it is....

12 years...

 I have officially been single for 12 years and I can actually say I'm not sad about it. I usually would be wondering why has it been this long and why a good man, the man that I have been praying for hasn't came into my life yet. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that because he is in my life. Everyday, I thank the LORD because it's nice to have someone to think about all the time and give myself some hope that I'm not going to grow old and be alone the rest of my life. 

This past weekend, I surprised him at his booth at the expo. He had such a big smile when he saw me and that day I found out that he's a protector. When we were walking to his truck, he made sure I wasn't walking by the street and when we got to his truck, he actually opened the door for me. Now I don't think I have ever been with a man who instinctually knew to open the door without having to be asked. He's a keeper in my eyes. Also, he asked me out and we went to watch a basketball game together. So that was technically our first date. It was fun and nice to be with someone who actually wanted to hang out with me. Every time I always tried to ask a guy out to do something fun I feel like I always got turned down so I couldn't even tell you when my last date was. I'm looking forward to more and just seeing where things go.

The Man in my life...

 I'm still in shock that I actually have a man in my life. We are not official or anything but he is the closest thing I have had to a man actually caring about me in a long time. This month I will have officially been single for 12 years. For a long time, I have prayed, hoped, wished, fasted, and manifested that one day a good man would come into my life and make me happy. It's looking like that day has finally came. I have prayed a LONGGG time and waited and tried to be patient because it has been a long wait with a lot of duds in between but I think GOD finally put the man that I have been praying for in my life and I am happy. I met him off Facebook dating which you would think you wouldn't find anyone good on there. I have been on and off on there looking for friends or a potential boyfriend and there were some decent guys and some not so decent but things never went anywhere with them. I started chatting with him May 16, 2024 and I know the exact date because I looked back at the beginning of our chat and it was shocking that it was the day after his birthday. We chatted off and on and I was about to forget about him because it seemed like I was the only one really interested because I was always trying to keep the chat going and I feel like he always ignored me but something always made me come back and say something although I was ready to give up on him. I always called him my BFF. To this day, I still call him that sometimes. We eventually started chatting on FB Messenger on July 12, 2024 instead of the dating chat and I bought a shirt from him because he has his own Merch business. We chatted off and on for months and then on February 11th of this year, he finally gave me his phone number and he officially became my BFF. I'm glad I still have all the chats to go back and look at them which is why I have all the dates 😄. We actually hung out for the first time on Valentine's Day. Which was nice because I never have any one to spend Valentine's with. This was the first time in a long time that I actually had a Valentine. I just went to his place and hung out. It was weird because usually when I meet someone online I'm always nervous to meet them in person. I can keep chatting forever but when it comes to talking on the phone or meeting you in person it's nerve wreaking but it wasn't with him. He lives an hour away and the closer I got I thought I would have been nervous but I wasn't I was actually excited and he has been in my life ever since. The sucky thing is I don't get to see him a lot maybe once or twice a month but I talk to him everyday and hopefully we'll figure out a way one day to get to see each other more but I'm excited and want to see where things are going. Two weeks ago, July 17th, which was the last time I saw him, he actually slipped and told me he loves me 💗now I don't know if it meant anything or not because it was quick as we were leaving each other but I can always say that he told me he love me first. It just feels nice to feel wanted and to be able to express myself without wondering if I should. It always puts a smile on my face when he calls me "baby" "boo" or "love".

I can definitely see a future with him. I just hope he doesn't have any drama in his life. He has a son so I hope there is no baby mama drama although from what I have seen him and his son's mom are friends which I do not know if that's a good or bad thing. Things are going good so far and I hope they stay that way. I'm thankful and definitely feel blessed to have him in my life. I do not think I could have found a better man to be in my life and be my BFF. It's been over a year since we first started chatting with each other to him actually being my friend. I wonder where things will be by this time next year. I hope by then I can officially say that he is my man and we are happy and working toward what our future will be together. Like I said, I couldn't have asked for a better man for GOD to put in my life. He's very handsome, sweet, educated, loves kids, is a family man, and can always put a smile on my face. I know when I pray I always thank the LORD for putting him in my life and finally sending the man that I have prayed for for a long time. I pray that this is the man that I will be blessed to grow old with and be there and support and love on and build with. I just want to get to the point where we can't imagine not having each other in our lives.

Pet Peeves...

 I feel like my biggest pet peeve is rude people. I have to deal with them everyday at work and everyday I say how much I am ready to quit my job or I just want to walk out and go home. I sit in a room all day, it's an open space. I try to have the doors closed so I can have quiet because my co workers like to chat and be loud and I like having privacy but people are opening my doors over and over coming in or going out and then they won't close the door. I have to get out of my seat to close a door that was already closed before that person decided to open to go out or come in. I feel like it's done on purpose and it is so rude to me. It just seems like common sense, if the door was closed before you opened it, close it back. I have just been patiently waiting on the day I can quit this job. I hope my next job will be a work from home job because I do not think I can take another office job if I'm going to have to go through this. It's not like it happens every once and a while. It happens EVERY DAY MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY!! I can't wait for the day I won't have to deal with it anymore. That day can't come fast enough.

Waiting again...

 Well I thought I was going to get to go back to school but I might have to wait another year. Apparently, I still owe money to another collection place so now I'm trying to figure out how to pay them off so I can officially go back to school. I had to take a loan out of my retirement and once I get that money, I'll call them and see what the minimum payment is that I can pay to get this resolved. I just hate that every time I try to take a step forward, I have to take 10 steps back. I just pray that I can get this figured out. I'm so close but still feel far. If they won't accept the minimum I have, then I'm going to have to keep working and saving until I have what I need but who knows how long that will take so I might have to hold off another year. I'm just ready to finish and move on to the next thing in my life and I feel like I have been stuck in this part of my life for a long time. I just want it to be over. I hope everything will work out but until then I'm still in limbo.

I'm back again!!...

 It's been almost 2 years since I've posted. I have always wanted to come and write some thoughts but have been too lazy to do it. It is almost May and I am ready for Summer to come and go. I finally get to go back to school this Fall and finish my degree!! After all these years out I finally get to go back and I can not wait. I only have 4 classes left to take to get my degree and my minor and then I can graduate so by this time next year, I will hopefully be getting ready to graduate. It's overwhelming to think about after all these years, the end might finally come. I know I'll be crying tears of joy when the day is here just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's been a long road and it's almost over. Once I do graduate, I will be going back to school again. Because of the part time job I've had for years, I now want to get a degree in that field. First, an Associates then a Bachelors. I'm hoping to one day find a job that I love that makes decent money and I can retire from.

Job search...

I just applied to a job in the company I work for yesterday. I wasn't really job hunting but I saw a job that I had been interested in for awhile so I applied for it. It would be awesome if I got it. It's a remote job so I can work from home and it will be more pay. It would be weird if I did get it because I would have to quit my job that I have been doing for the last 7 years but it seems like I should be looking to move to the next thing since it has been that long. I was not planning on doing any job hunting until after I graduated but the way things are looking, I do not know when that will ever happen. I always go by the saying what is for me, will be for me so if this job is for me, I will get it.

House hunting is hard...

 I have been house hunting for over a year and still have not found anything. It's crazy how hard it is to find a house. I am just looking for something that is move in ready and does not need any work done. Something in a decent neighborhood. I think the one thing that is slowing down the process is that I need a house in a specific area because of where my kids go to school and the houses are all over my budget. Even the small houses with not a lot of square footage is overpriced. I hate the housing market! I wish the prices would go down so that the houses can be more affordable. I need to find something because since I am not living in the district that my kids go to school at, they can not use the transportation and they are getting to the point of needing the transportation. It sucks to have to go through this. I know when the right place comes along it will be for me but this process is so slow and long, I just never know if I will ever find what I am looking for. If I could find something before school starts that would be great but I do not see that happening since school starts in less than 2 months and it has been over a year of hunting. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because all the houses I am interested in are over my budget and the condos that are in my price range I can not get because of how much the HOA fees are. This is definitely a frustrating process that makes me feel like quitting but I still trying to hold on to hope that something will  come along because I am ready to get out of my apartment.

Posts I saw...

Here is a couple posts I found that I feel like I can relate to. I would love to find my soulmate if he even exist and if I can ever find a man, it would be nice to actually have someone who knows about courting and wants to actually take the time to get to know you and genuinely fall in love with you. Someone who will talk to you and want to be your friend first. I pray that the person is out there for me. 🙏

 GET YOU A SOULMATE

Someone who's ready to have conversations to keep your relationship healthy and strong. Someone who's ready to wake up at 3AM and send you an I LOVE YOU text. Someone who's ready to send you flowers randomly. Someone who's ready to tell the whole world about you. Someone who's ready to give you EVERY piece of their being to be with you. Someone who isn't AFRAID to love you completely, fully and totally. Most people get attracted, catch feelings, fall in love and hope for the best, THAT is not good enough anymore. It takes a new mindset, a new perspective and a new approach to get the love you desire. YOU deserve to be With someone who's prepared to receive the GIFT of having you!!

This Generation has no idea how to COURT

like, no she don’t want to come over & chill! Stop texting her all day & call her! LISTEN! Get to know her...ask her on dates! Plan the dates! Listen to their favorite music & send them yours! Send them music that makes them think of you. Listen to poetry!appreciate each other’s art! Read books & watch shows together, but apart so you both can talk about them Over dinner!

Take her to get Ice cream Go to carnivals! Trips? Go travel! Go out for late night drives & sing old R&B songs! go skating, bowling, to plays, open mics, and to the lake! Go have a bonfire! have a cook off! Support each other & build a friendship! Not just text “good morning” & “wyd” every 24 hours

End of 2022...

 It is the end of the year and it seems like nothing has really changed in my life. I still have not found the man of my dreams although I feel like there has been one man that I have been praying for but doesn't seem like that man will ever come into my life unless a miracle happens. I am going on 10 years single in about 6 months and still wonder what is wrong with me that the love of my life has still not came into my life. They always tell you to wait and he will come but how much longer do I have to wait because I have been waiting a long time. I really think I am meant to be alone. I do not see how someone can be single for 10 years unless they choose to be and I haven't chosen to be single this long it just happened this way. I feel like I do not know what to do. Should I keep praying that someone will finally come into my life one day? Should I give up? I really do not know what to do when it comes to love and relationships. I just know I really do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I would like to have a partner to grow and share my life with. I wonder if there is anyone out there for me. There has only been one guy I have been interested in for a while and no other men really catch my attention because of this one guy who I think is amazing although I do not know him personally only through what I see on his social media. I have tried to get his attention but to no luck so I think I need to forget about him since it doesn't seem like he is the one for me but if there is any chance for him to come into my life, I would be so thankful.

Another thing that I have been struggling with this year is finding a job. I have a bunch of part time jobs but I only work them every now and again. Nothing consistent that I am bringing in any money to put away for savings or to pay things off. I only make enough for food, gas, and little things in between I might need. I just need a consistent job and it has been hard finding one. I can only work nights since I already have a day job and the other jobs I work in the evenings. I have been trying to find a remote job so I don't have to leave the house. It has been hard and the main reason I need a job is so I can bring in money to pay my school bill so I can go back and finish. This whole year done went by and I haven't found anything consistent. I would like to go back to school by next Fall semester but this finding a job thing has not been working. Who knew it would be this hard finding a job. It seems like there are so many jobs hiring but nothing I can really do because most of the jobs seem like they are day jobs or full time and I can only work certain hours. I just hope I can figure something out soon. This is one of those things that I just don't know what to do or how to fix the situation. I feel lost. 

It looks like the two things I was wanting to happen this year at the end of last year is the same things I am wanting now for next year. That is love and a way to get money so I can go back to school and finally finish. Let's hope 2023 will be my year.

Life sucks sometimes...

 I am ready for this month to be over. This month I was suppose to be graduating and it sucks I didn't get the chance to. I should have been enjoying this month and happy that I finally made it. Instead I can't do nothing but realize that it's not my turn. I wish there was something I could do to get the money I need to finish. I really do not know what to do. That is the only thing keeping me from finishing is money. I tried to start a Gofundme page to see if that would do anything but I do not know where to share it to get support. I do not want to share it on my social media because I do not want people I know to feel like they have to help me. I wish I could just get help from strangers but don't know how. The only thing I can do is just try to find me a job that I can do from home and the money I make from it can go towards paying my balance down. Maybe next year I'll be able to go back and officially finish. It has been a long tiring and stressful road to make it to the end. I am literally in my last 2-4 classes and I had to pretty much drop out because I can't pay. It just doesn't seem fair. Hopefully, I will be able to find a job and use the money to get back in school. I do not know how long it is going to take for me to get back in but I will never give up. I plan on finishing and graduating. It has always been my goal to get my degree and I still plan on making it happen. It's just going to take a little while longer.

Getting involved...

 I don't know what it is about volunteering but I love to do it. I honestly believe it is my calling in life. I like being helpful and going where I can be used. I first started volunteering because I was interested in joining a sorority and I knew that volunteering would be a good thing so I started volunteering at different places when I had time and now I do it because it is something I can say I am passionate about. I am starting to volunteer at a place next month that I wanted to volunteer at years ago but never had the chance, and I started volunteering at the church I attend and I'm thinking about volunteering at another church maybe in the next month or two. I like to go where I feel I am needed and can help out at. We'll see if anymore opportunities come up but the couple places I am helping out at is enough for now. It would be nice to be able to have people to volunteer with. I'm glad my kids can volunteer with me at the church. I tried to get one of my friends to volunteer with me but she always kept coming up with excuses or just didn't want to. I wish I could find some friends that are like me and love to volunteer when they get the chance. I don't have not one friend who I could call and say let's volunteer here or there and they would be happy to do it. Where are the people who like to volunteer? I need those people as friends.

Still waiting...

 So I am still waiting for love to come in my life. I have been single for over 8 years and it still blows my mind that I have been single this long. I believe the LORD has a good man out there for me somewhere I just wish it didn't have to take so long for him to show up. There is one man that I have eyes for right now. It's the guy I have been crushing on since last year and I pray some way some how that he is the man for me. He is actually single which is great because usually men I have a thing for are already in relationships or married. He seems like a great guy but I find it weird that he is still single. He seems like a catch to me and there's is nothing that I don't like about him. He has a lot of great qualities and I love that he's into church. I would definitely love to have a church going man. He's an amazing musician and plays at different places and at his church. I would love to see him play at one of his gigs but I rarely get to have a night to myself to get out the house. The only way I can see him play is at his church but I don't know if that makes me seem like a stalker. I have given up on dating sites because I feel like I have gotten nowhere on them and none of the men really interest me. I'm still hoping love will find me one day. It's been a long 8 years.

Let's hope...

 I can't believe this is my first post of 2021 but I guess life gets away from you. I can say this year hasn't been too horrible. I just finished taking two classes this Summer and surprisingly passed my Statistics class. I am still in shock that I passed because math is not my favorite thing and it seems hard to understand but I passed with a B and it was a six week class. It's weird that I passed one of the hardest classes ever in six weeks and couldn't do it in a whole semester. Now I am waiting for the Fall semester to start in the next week  I am in the home stretch I have 7 classes left. 3 for my degree and 4 for my minor and I'm taking 4 this Fall so hopefully I will be able to get through. The only thing I am worried about is financial aid. If I can't pay for school then I don't see how I am going to finish. I had to do a SAP appeal to get my financial aid back and it got approved thankfully but in the financial aid section it only has about $1700 of financial aid for the semester and obviously that is not enough. I still owe money for the Summer classes I took and what I couldn't pay for last Fall. I just hope there is still some options out there for me or I am going to have to start a GoFundMe page or something. I don't want to give up after all these years of trying to finish and I am so close to being done to have this block me from finishing. I'm going to send an email to financial aid and see if there are any options for me. There's got to be something to help me this is literally my last year. I should be graduating in May. All I can do is hope and pray that everything works out and I can get this figured out and all I will have to worry about is getting through these last classes and not the financial part.

Shooting Your Shot...

 Is it possible to shoot your shot at someone you do not know? There is this guy that I find very interesting but of course he doesn't know I exist. I wish I knew how to put myself out there for him to at least know I exist. I sent a dm to him on Instagram but no reply back. It seems like every guy I am interested in is never interested in me the way I am to them. Mr. Right has to come along one day right? Optimism is hard when you wait years for him and he never shows up. I'm waiting on the day or the year he shows up. I have waited 7 1/2 years what's another 7 1/2 although I did want to have a few more kids before I got too old but the way things are going the dream of having more kids doesn't look like it is going to happen unless I just find a sperm donor. I guess we'll see which one ends up coming first.

End of 2020...

 I have not been on here since the beginning of the year. I can't believe I ave gone the whole year without writing anything. This year has been horrible with Covid. I haven't been to my part time job since March and i actually miss it. I miss the excitement of a lot of people around. I still do not know when things will go back to normal. I am ready for it to. I feel like I can't do anything. One of the main things that I wish I could do is volunteer. I haven't had the chance to do it this year because of Covid and hopefully once this thing is finally over I can start again. Another thing I am looking forward to is going to church. I do not know how long it has been since I have been and I have been watching the live streams every Sunday and Wednesday and I can't wait until I can physically be there and become active. 

The fall semester is over and I am glad it is over. Out of the four classes I have taken, I have to retake one which is statistics. I am not a math person. I am taking the spring semester off and will continue either in the summer or fall. I am almost done. I only have a few classes left until I can graduate and I can not wait. It has been a long time I have been in school forever and it will feel great to finally finish something. For now, I am working on getting certifications. My plan is to get 5 certifications by the end of next year. 

I just had a job interview the other day for a night job. The interview wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be because I always get nervous. I feel like I never know what to say or I feel like I answer questions wrong but we'll see if I get the job. I would be shocked if I do but it will be nice to have the extra income. The only thing is its a night job and if I get it I hope I will have some support when I need to work. 

It is the end of the year and I am still SINGLE. I have been single for almost 7 1/2 years and I realize that every New Year i hope that it will be my year to finally find love and then the end of the year comes and I am still single like I was at the beginning of the year. Why does finding love have to be so hard? I can't believe I have been single this long. Maybe 2021 will be my year to finally find love but I wouldn't hold my breath since I have been saying it for years and every year I am still single. I honestly feel like I am losing hope on finding love and the man of my dreams. I'm sure it will happen one day but it is taking a long time. Who knows maybe there isn't a loving, sweet, honest, caring, funny man out there for me and that's why he hasn't came into my life. I feel like I just need to get use to being alone which I obviously am use to it. Maybe I am better off alone because if I were to ever get in a relationship I do not think I would even know what to do. I am so out of touch when it comes to dating and relationships I would be scared that I would ruin it.

First post of the year...

This is my first post of the year. It will officially be March tomorrow. So far this year I have been enjoying taking this semester off from school. It just amazes me how much free time I have when school isn't involved because between work and school I never have time to do anything. I am out of school until the summer. I will be back in May so I have at least two and a half months to enjoy. Once I go back then all my free time will be over for the next year. I will miss it but if I can get through the next school year then I should be graduating in the Spring. I can't believe how close to graduation I am. I'm scared I'm going to screw up somewhere and end up having to take a class over and then I won't be graduating in the Spring. I just hope this time off helps me to be able to focus once I start back. I just want to officially finish and be done.

I kind of feel like it is time for me to find another job. I have been doing my job for almost 4 years and I feel like its time to find something else to learn. Plus my job isn't the same anymore. Its amazing how so much can change in less than a year. We have lost so many employees I feel like I will be the next one. I have applied to three jobs in my company and if I am offered one of them then I will probably take it. I like my job but I feel like it is time to move on. I just hope they can find someone to replace me since I'm the only one who does my job. Who knows what will happen but we'll see if I'm even still working there come the end of this year.

Last post for the year..

I can't believe today is the last day of 2019. This year hasn't been all too bad. I wonder what next year holds. I hope 2020 will be a good year. I'm going to work on trying to be healthier, save money, volunteer more, read more, get closer to finishing school, and if I'm lucky I might meet the love of my life. All I want is to find a man who is as interested in me as I am with him, someone who can get me out the house and have some fun every once and a while. I am such a homebody. All I do is go to work and come home. It would be nice to have a little excitement going on in my life. We'll see how 2020 works out when the end of it comes around. Will things still be the same for me or will a change happen? We'll see what happens...

Figured it out...

I think I have my school situation figured out. I'm going to have to miss out on this Spring semester but that will take me from three to two semesters until graduation. I think the best thing to do is to relax and enjoy this semester off. Finish paying the semester off and get back in to classes in the Summer. I'm planning on taking three classes this Summer and hopefully I'll pass then I will have three classes left to take for both the Fall and Spring semester as well as the internship then I should be graduating that is if I don't fall behind financially again or have to retake any classes. So I should still be on track with graduating next Spring. I'm nervous and anxious. I am ready to be done.

New Year goals...

Since the New Year will be here soon. There are two goals I want to accomplish in the New Year. One is to start volunteering more. I think I only volunteered once this year and I think it is because I didn't know where to volunteer but luckily on my school site they have a list of places to volunteer and I have found two places that I am interested in volunteering at so my goal is to try and volunteer once or twice a month depending on how much PTO I have that I can use. The second goal is to read more books. I am always so busy or tired that its been awhile since i have had time to read but since school has been out and I can read books for free through the library app on my phone, I have read two books so far in the past week and I am on my third. I forgot how nice it is to relax and read a book. Hopefully I can continue to do it but who knows if I have to miss out on this school semester I will have plenty of time to read.