Happy New Year!...

Happy New Year!! 2019 is finally here. I can't believe Christmas has came and gone already but now that the holidays are over, everything can go back to normal. I wonder what this year will bring for me. Maybe love finally but I wouldn't hold my breath. Every new year that comes along I always hope it is the year I will find love and its been over 5 years later and it hasn't happened yet but we have a whole new year to see if this will be the year. I have a bunch of goals that I want to accomplish this year so I hope I will be able to do it. I hate the word resolution, I prefer goals better. So my goals for the year are to continue to lose weight, start saving money to hopefully get out of apartment living by the end of the year, do well in school and pass all of my classes each semester, and to pass a certification exam so I can get a better job by the end of the year. I just hope this year will be a great year but no one knows what the year will bring. I also hope I will be able to complete all of my goals. Day 1 is here, 364 more to go...

What is wrong with me...

I feel like there is something wrong with me when it comes to me liking someone. When I like someone I feel like I am all in to that person. That's why I feel like I couldn't date multiple guys at once. There is this guy that I like and he seems like a great guy. I have known him for months but things between us have literally gone no where. We have hung out at each others places but have never gone out on a date or anything. I am not trying to jump in a relationship with this guy I just want to be his friend, get to know him, and go out every now and again but it seems like he has been fighting me the whole time when it comes to me getting to know him or him getting to know me and going out. I have hinted at it a few times but haven't got anywhere. I text him but my texts go unanswered like he is ignoring me and I hate trying to communicate with someone and get nothing back. Its like I am talking to myself and I am starting to realize that if I can't get your attention then I am not meant to have it. I have been trying to find other guys to talk to between Tinder and Plenty of Fish so I can get my mind off of this guy and so far I am not having much luck. It has been hard finding guys that I am interested in. No one jumps out at me and makes me feel like I have to talk to that person. So then I get teary eyed because I just want to be somebody to this man and I don't think that will happen. I know I need to leave him alone but it seems hard to let go of someone you like especially when there is no one else to take my attention away from him. Why can I not stop thinking about this guy? He is always on my mind and it sucks. I want to stop thinking about him but it is hard not to. I hate feeling this way. Like I am a little heartbroken but its not like we are anything to each other so I can't feel too bad. I just wish I could for once have the man that I am interested in and that he can be just as interested in me. I feel like I always get looked over like I am not good enough. There has got to be someone out there I am good enough for or who thinks I am good enough for them but it seems like I will never find him. I feel like I'm trying to win the lottery-unwinnable. I want to be a winner for once I am sick of being and feeling like a loser all the time. When will it be my time to win?

Mission for Love...

Tomorrow is Halloween!! I can't believe there is only two months of the year left. It seems like this year has gone by fast. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like my year to find love. There is still two months left so there may be hope but I don't think it will happen. I am still on a mission to find love. It is still hard to believe that I have been single going on 5 and a half years now. I never realized that I would be single this long but the years have came and gone. It still amazes me that I would have never imagined that finding love would be this hard. I always wonder about is there something wrong with me and what is it that has made me single for so long. I feel like I will never find the guy that was meant for me. Every time I meet a guy I feel like all he does is waste my time and I build false hope in my mind that this could possibly be the man for me until I wake up and realize I am wrong. Then I am back to square one again. It makes me sad and depressed because I feel like I deserve someone to love who will love me back just as much. I really can't believe how hard that is to achieve. I would love to get married one day but I can't even imagine myself getting married if that makes sense. It's hard to think of myself being married when I can't even get a man in my life, to actually call someone my boyfriend, I can't get anyone to ask me out on a date, and can barely even get a text back from a guy. My love life is very pathetic. I don't even know what to do. It really makes me sad. Nobody wants to grow old alone. I know I certainly don't want to. I'm ready to have joy and happiness in my heart which I get from my kids but its a piece missing that only the love of my life can fill. I feel like a lost cause. It just doesn't seem like love will happen for me. Is it that the loving ones end up alone? I know that I want more kids but I don't want to have anymore until I can find the love of my life and the man I am suppose to be with. It would be nice to be able to plan dates and birthday surprises and just have someone I can call my own and be clingy with and someone I can see and talk to all the time and not just once or twice a month. To be able to think to myself that I have someone in my life that I would hope isn't wasting my time would be a great feeling. Its just a sad and lonely process and I will be so thankful when it is finally over. It has really been a long time. I'm just ready to find love.

Trying makeup...

I am trying to teach myself how to put on makeup. I feel so late that it seems like something you should know how to do as a teenager but I was never taught how to put it on and to know what to buy. The one thing that was hard for me to figure out is the foundation and concealer. Its hard to know which shade is the right one. The only makeup that I know how to put on is mascara and eye shadow. I'm trying to watch Youtube videos to learn and I have tried a couple of times and it just doesn't look right. The girls in the videos makeup look natural and I'm trying to get to where it doesn't look like I don't have makeup on and right now it is looking like I put too much on. I'm going to keep trying until I can get as good as the girls in the videos. Hopefully it won't take forever to master.

Starting off good...

Well I completed my first round of the 28 day challenge and I think I did okay for my first go around. I did all of my exercises everyday that I was suppose to do until last Tuesday. I got out of it dealing with taking a test that took an hour to even get started and Wednesday and Thursday I didn't get home until after 8 because of activities at the kids schools so I was too tired and just wanted to relax. Friday I was just lazy and Saturday was suppose to be a rest day. Yesterday I did half of the exercises but in the end I lost a total of 11 pounds. So my goal for this 28 days is to lose more than 11. I'm trying to go for 15. The main thing I need to make sure I am doing is eating as healthy as I can. The one food I am addicted to is crab rangoon and I had a hard time leaving it alone so this time around I plan on eating it one time in the 28 days. I want to me able to eat salad the majority of the week. Anything I can do to lose this weight I am ready to do. I am definitely proud of myself for losing as much as did and can't wait to continue on this journey.

Goals for the next year...

It's hard to believe that this year is almost over. It is only 3 and a half months left of the year and I was thinking about the goals I want to have accomplished by this time next year. One thing I want to accomplish is losing weight. I have started a workout plan called RI28 and so far I have been on it for four days. RI28 stands for Results in 28 days so I am trying to see how much weight I can lose in 28 days. I have 24 more days to go and I have been doing good except today I went off my diet and ate a burrito and a little chocolate cake which I wish I hadn't of gotten because it wasn't all that good. I will be getting my workout in tonight which have been fairly easy except you have to do them four times but the point is to lose weight so I won't complain too much. Besides the burrito and cake I have been doing good eating wise. I have only been eating fruit and a salad. I am trying to see how much I can lose in the next two months so we'll see how good I do by the beginning of November and then we'll go from there. The next goal is I want to get my CCS. The CCS is Certified Coding Specialist and once I get that I want to get a coding job which will hopefully lead to more money and the chance to work from home. I have bought the exam prep book so when I have free time I can look at it as well as Youtube videos for tips. I am going to study the rest of this year so hopefully by the beginning of next year between January and March I can sit for the exam and if I pass I can start applying for jobs and I hope to get one by Summer. Another goal is by this time next year I should be in my last Fall semester of school and it has definitely been a long journey. I just have to make it through this semester and the Spring and then I will officially have two semesters left before graduation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough to be in school. I feel like I have a hard time keeping up and I think apart of that has to do with working a full time job. I wish there was a way I could take school related time off of work to have more time to study and get work done without having to use time. I hope I'll will be able to complete my goals for the year. We'll see what happens...

School stress...

The fall semester is underway. I'm in week 3 and so far things are going good. Its hard to believe I am in my last 4 semesters. After this semester it will be 3. I can't wait until that last semester and then I will finally graduate. It has definitely been a long time coming. I can't help but stress and freak out about how I am going to take the math classes I need to take. Like I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to find a job where I can hopefully get off early enough to be able to take the classes in the afternoon. I am not trying to take an evening or a weekend class so that way I won't have to burden anyone with keeping my kids. I just keep thinking what if I do not find something in time before next semester which is when I need to take the first math class. If I could find a 5 am to 1 pm job I would be happy. It just sucks when you are looking and can't find anything in the time area you're looking for. I just hope something is out there for me but all I can do is keep looking until something comes along. I only have three months to find something and it makes me nervous that I won't find anything in time. I'm sure the three months will fly by quick I just hope something happens but the hard part is when looking for jobs most don't tell the hours and it sucks to apply to a job blind when you don't know all of the details. I'm trying not to stress out but it is hard not to. I just hope things work out for me in the end. That's all I can do.