December 1st......

I had my baby December 1st. I'm so happy she's here and that it's all over. It was a very emotional time for me being alone through the whole thing. It was an easy delivery. My water broke while I was on the toilet and it started from there. I went to the hospital went to triage first to make sure my water really broke then I went to see my daughter in the waiting room before she left. She couldn't stay since they had flu restrictions on kids under 18. I went to my room and was put on antibiotics which burned and just watched TV for the rest of the time. Only got up out of bed to go to the bathroom which sucked because my water kept coming out of me which is an uncomfortable feeling. I sat for hours without feeling any contractions. I was put on Pitocin to help my contractions but wasn't feeling any real pain until late at night around 11. About an hour later, I was able to get my epidural which felt weird getting than the first time. So I had to endure the pain of contractions until I got it and it hurt like heck but I made it through them. Even getting my epidural the contractions were getting me but I got through it. After I got it, I just sat and tried to rest while the nurse would come in and check on me. It was time to push at about 5:30am. I pushed her out and she was here at 5:39am. It took her awhile to start crying and they had called the emergency team in just in case but she was fine after awhile. I got cleaned up and after I ate breakfast and the doctor checked the baby, I went to my room to recover. I had a pretty awesome recovery. I wasn't in any pain at all. I could go to the bathroom and it didn't burn or anything. My recovery was completely different than the first time. I was in pain and it always burned when I went to the bathroom and when I walked it always felt like my uterus was gong to fall out of me. I haven't had an issues and didn't need pain meds or anything. I felt so good that if I could I would have went back to work a week later. She's been here almost a month and it hasn't been too big of an adjustment except for the being up at night. I m proud to say that I am breastfeeding which didn't work out the first time and I thin the problem was I had a manual pump and not an electric one. I have an electric one thanks to insurance so my baby is only getting breast milk. The only thing that sucks is that my baby doesn't have a dad and I'm going through taking care of two kids alone. I'm hoping one day the LORD will put a good man in my life who will be there for me and my kids but until then it's just us.

The home stretch.....

I am finally in the home stretch of my pregnancy. As of now, I have officially 11 days until my due date. I am so ready for her to get here. I'm tired of being pregnant. The waiting game totally sucks. I keep hoping that I start having contractions or my water breaks but so far nothing is going on. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday and she said I was measuring 40 weeks but I'm still only dialated to 1 1/2 centimeters so not much is happening. I'm just trying to get everything cleaned up and together before things start happening. Hopefully I'll be in the hospital by next weekend. All I can do is wait and see what happens.

I hate being alone.....

I was just thinking about how lonely I am. I hate it. I barely have any friends and of course I don't have a boyfriend. So I literally have no one to talk to. Is it too much to ask to be able to have someone to confide in, someone to go out on dates with, someone I can depend on, I don't have much of a life. I'm always in the house. I never go out to restaurants or to the movies. I just go to work and go home. It just sucks so much. I can't wait for things to be different and I can be happy. I feel like I have been alone long enough.

Getting in the home stretch.....

Well I have about 5-6 weeks before my baby gets here. I can not wait! I am a little disappointed that I'm getting so close and have yet to get anything for my baby. No clothes, bottles, diapers, nothing. I am not prepared at all. This is definately one of the things that suck about going through a pregnancy by yourself. I'm sure if I had a man around we probably would have pretty much everything. I won't be able to start getting stuff until the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I'll be moving the first weekend in November so I should be able to start getting stuff after that. I'm just so ready for this baby to get here. So I can have my body back and I feel like my life has been put on hold because I'm pregnant. I had to take the semester off from school because there was no way I could have a baby when finals was coming around and I had to stop my job search because there is no point in applying to jobs when I wouldn't be able to start for a couple months. I do plan on going back in January hopefully and once I go on my maternity leave I will continue job hunting again and pray my heart out that I will find something before my leave is up and I am stuck having to go back to the low paying job I am at now and I am not trying to go back. I have been working at the same place doing the same job for 5 years and have nothing to show for it. It is definately time to move on. The number one reason why I am ready to have this baby is to prove to my ex that this is his baby because he still has doubts and I am positive that this is his baby. I just wonder what's going to happen when the truth comes out. He keeps telling me that he still wants a future with me. Which is hard to believe since he is in a relationship with someone else and living with them. It is pretty obvious that we still have feelings for each other after all this time and after all the hell he has put me through. I honestly couldn't see myself with no one but him which is probably one of the reasons why I haven't been dating anyone considering we haven't been together in over a year now. He has been telling me lately that I'm his soulmate and we're going to get married and he is planning on buying a house and wants me to move in with him. It all sounds great but it's all talk right now. My motto is actions speak louder than words. I take anything he says with a grain a salt because his track record is bad. He usually says one thing but his actions do the opposite. I guess he is waiting to see what the verdict is on this baby before he makes any decisions. I know I would love for my kids to have their parents together. Both of us grew up with our parents not together and it would be nice for my kids to grow up with two parents in the home. I hate the way things are now with having to send my daughter off with him every other weekend. If we were together then we wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. I guess I'm just looking for something good to happen. One day I hope everything works out and I will finally get the happiness I deserve.

Can I get out of this nightmare?......

I can't believe its been over a month since my last post. Seems like a lot has happened. Well I have gotten kicked out of my apartment. I still can't believe it. I had trouble getting the money to pay my rent last month so the stinking landlord up and kicked me out. He only gave me less than a week to get out. I think its impossible to pack and find somewhere else to go in less than a week. I did my best and could not find anywhere to go. My credit score keeps biting me in the butt. I can not wait until I can get it up. Everytime I try to get an apartment I always get turned down and I'm sure its because of my score. I'm guessing people with bad credit scores have to be homeless because it seems like no one will give you a chance because of it. I tried everything in my power to get the money to pay my rent. I called around trying to get assistance, tried to take out loans but kept getting denied. Right now I'm staying at my sister's and we're just going to get a 3 bedroom at the apartments she's at. Which is what I should have went along with in the first place but I was determined to have my own place and look what happened got kicked out and the stupid landlord became evil after I couldn't pay my rent. Went back to the apartment yesterday to turn the keys in and to get the splitter from the cable company off the cable cord since I couldn't get it off when I moved. Of course the guy popped up and had some crap to say trying to start stuff. Talking about calling the cops. Mad I didn't clean the apartment up all the way then said he was going to garnish my paycheck because of it. I don't know if the guy realizes I'm pregnant or not but I had to pack and move out that apartment by myself with little help and by the time I got everything out of there it was 10:30 at night I had been going all day with very little rest and I don't know what more he could want I did pay a security deposit. I'm just glad I'm out of that apartment it was a blessing. It's so funny how when I first moved in the guy was nice than after I couldn't pay him he became evil. I guess its one of those you live and you learn type of things. I just can't wait until I can get a better paying job so I don't have to keep struggling and going through stuff like this.

Finally decided.....

So I finally decided when I am going to leave work. I am officially 26 weeks today. So I have 2 more weeks until I am 7 months and in my last trimester. So ready for this to be over. Surprisingly, this pregnancy has actually been a cake walk compared to my first one. I'm not in a lot of pain and I was in so much pain the first time around whether I was getting out of bed or getting out of a chair or walking, it hurt. The only time I'm in any real pain is when I'm at work and I have been on my feet. Once I sit down, it hurts to get up. Another thing is the first time around I was sick a lot and I haven't been sick at all this time. I want to see if I can get my doctor to write me a restriction saying I can only work 3 days a week. I feel like since I am getting closer to the end I should be trying to rest as much as possible and it is hard to do when I barely get much sleep. I'm usually in bed around 11 and I have my alarm set to go off at 3:50am so I only get about 4 hours of sleep every night then I have to go to work where I'm on my feet the majority of the day. I try to sit down as much as I can but I only have so much time because I do have work to do. Then when I get off I only get no more than 2 hours after I get off work to take a nap before I have to pick up my daughter and I know its not enough because I literally have to force myself to get up. Once I lay down its hard to want to get up. If I could work 3 days a week then I know I would not have to work weekends anymore which I absolutely hate and it would give me more time to be able to clean up since it is hard to want to do any cleaning after being on my feet all day all I want to do is rest. Anyway, I have decided my last official day at work is going to be October 31. So Halloween is my last day at work. It is a Friday so I would like to leave at the end of the week especially since its on the weekend I don't work. I'm just glad the month of August is almost over. Only 4 more days and it will officially be September and 2 more months until I can get away from my idiot job. It has definitely been a struggle staying at this place but I am literally counting down until I can leave. I hate not being able to job hunt but as soon as I have my baby I will officially be on the search again and I am praying I will be able to find something before my maternity leave is over because I do not want to step foot back ay this job again. I know it is time for me to leave because I had a breakdown the last weekend I worked because I didn't want to work and I hated having to send my daughter somewhere when she wanted to be with me. It hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything and I didn't have a choice. I am hoping the next job I get it will be a Monday-Friday job. I have never been a weekend worker and never will be one. The only reason I am now is because I don't have much of a choice. I am so ready to disappear from this job and hope to never have to see this place again. All I can do is pray for the best.

Almost 6 months....

I will officially be 6 months this coming Wednesday. I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. I am getting bigger and I don't have as much pain as I did my first pregnancy although I am starting to feel a little pain and I am always out of breath. It is killing me to not be able to job hunt. I want to so bad. I have 3 months until I go on my maternity leave and I will be off work for about 3 months. In that time, I plan on job hunting and applying to everything that I can and just pray that I will be able to get a job some where before my maternity leave is up. Once my leave is up, I'm going to have to go back to my sucky job and I am determined to not have to set foot back in that place. I know it is going to hurt me to have to go back after being gone for so long especially when I don't like being there now. All I know is I am counting down until I can leave that place. It is so hard to walk up in there everyday I always have to find the strength just to get through the day. I just hope my time is almost done there. All I know is I don't know how I'm going to be able to take care of myself and two kid plus pay rent and bills with the little bit of money I make there. Its time for me to go I just hate with me being pregnant I am just stuck there since I leave in three months there is no purpose for me to do any job hunting. I just pray that I will be able to find something better in the limited time that I will have. I just don't want to go back to that place and I hope I won't have to.