Too much for one person to deal.......

I am in a bad place in my life right now. I keep asking myself why do bad things always happen to good people? I get treated like trash and I don't understand why. It all started Friday when my ex and daughter's father came to spend time with me on my day off like we did every now and again. We enjoyed each others company as always and went out to eat before he had to go to work. He was telling me that he talked to a guy at his job and was telling him that he screwed up meaning leaving me and getting involved with this other woman. I even gave him a little money to help him get his car fixed. Well Saturday morning, he's blowing my phone up calling and texting trying to come over telling me that he broke up with his girlfriend. My thoughts are finally now we can work on getting things right with us again. So, he stays with me and everything seemed to be going well. It was like how things use to be and he kept telling me that he was happy he was with me and it felt right like nothing changed. I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to be there and he would ask me the same. We both said yes. The last time I saw him was Thursday and we had went out to lunch after I got off work and before he went. After he got off, he calls me to tell me that he was going to stay at his dad's house that night because something was wrong with his dad's girlfriend. Later that day, I am at work and he texts me good morning then says we need to talk. He says he talked to his dad and that he was going to start staying at his dad's and wasn't going to be with anybody and was just going to work on himself. I'm thinking good for you and I was proud of him. Then I didn't hear from him after that. I texted him Sunday to say Happy Father's Day but he never texted me back. I texted him again a couple hours later asking if he was okay. Then I get a text back saying to don't contact him unless its about my daughter or this baby that I am pregnant with and that he is working things out with his girlfriend. Of course, I am completely shocked and confused. I didn't understand what was going on and I'm trying to talk to him. I call him over and over, text him trying to get answers and he wouldn't answer any of my phone calls and would only text me to tell me to stop calling him. How can you go from wanting to be with someone to treating them like dirt so fast? I was literally crying in front of my daughter which I hate that he made me do that. I still tear up thinking about it because she doesn't need to see me crying. Now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do this weekend because I do not feel comfortable with having my daughter go anywhere with him especially if he is going to be around that girl. She doesn't need to be around the mess that he caused. So I am probably going to have to call into work this weekend which I never do to be able to stay home with her because I do not want to have to explain to anybody why I don't want her to be with him right now. I just don't think its fair that I get treated this way. It hurts me so bad that someone I loved after all the crap he has put me through, the pain, the depression, would want to put someone he claims to love back in that place again. I wish he could feel how I feel and go through all the pain and heartache that he has put me through. I hate being here. I hate being sad and depressed all the time. I hate crying everyday. I cry over everything. I don't know if its my hormones or the depression but anytime anybody cries even my daughter it makes me cry. I wish he had never done this. It was only a week but that week caused alot of damage. I wish this whole thing had never happened I was fine before all this happened now I am depressed and in a bad place and don't know how to get out of it. I just pray for some kind of healing to my heart because I don't like being here. This kind of stuff makes you not want to trust guys at all because to go through stuff like this you are more better off alone than to have someone put you through so much pain that you don't know how to get out of.

Worn out......

It's been a while since I have been on here and posted. Just waiting to go into work right now. Since the last time I have been on here, I have finished my first semester of school but I haven't checked my grades because I am sure they are bad. I took on more than I could handle and I have learned my lesson. Now I am trying to redeem myself and do better these next couple of semesters. I am taking one class this summer semester. It's a computer class that I thought I didn't have to take but since I couldn't get a hold of an advisor to find out if I had to take it or not I just went ahead and took it. It is not too bad but the summer is faster than the fall or spring so all my assignments are due within two days of each other. The only difference with this class is I will be learning Microsoft Access. I never did that one before it would be nice to become familiar with it.

On another note, I am officially 14 weeks pregnant today. This pregnancy is moving along and in about 4 weeks I will be able to find out what I am having. I am praying that this is a girl. I feel like I am not a person who wants to have boys I want all girls so hopefully it works out for me. I still haven't told anyone that I am pregnant yet but that will be coming to an end soon since I am getting bigger everyday. I know the hardest part about being pregnant is working.  I am always so tired. I'm on my feet all day walking around for hours and it literally wears me out. I try to sit down as much as I can but I could definitely use some time off because I am tired all the time and have no energy.  I'm sure I'll be like this all the way through so I can't wait until I go on my leave.  As much as I shouldn't, I am still hoping things work out between me and my ex. We talk all the time and he tells me how much he misses me and misses being with me and we still love each other and sad to say we still mess around with each other even though he is with someone else. He asked me one day why when he thought long term he thought of me. The thing that bugs me is he wants to be with me, I know he does he tells me all the time but it is taking him forever to leave this other girl. It's obvious he doesn't want to be with her but for some reason he is taking his time. I feel like a real man would not treat women that way. Tell me he wants to be with me but continue to be with someone else and stay with a woman he doesn't want to be with and instead of breaking it off with her he would rather lie and cheat on her. I really don't care about her but I don't believe someone should be treated like that and I wouldn't want someone to treat me that way. I know the girl is pregnant but that doesn't mean he has to stay with her. He can still be in his kid's life without having anything to do with her. We will just wait and see what happens but I know I'm not going to wait forever for him to do something he should have did a long time ago.

Easter weekend....

Well it is about to be Easter weekend. I'm glad I am off work this weekend. I hope it will be a good weekend. So far, today I got some bad news and I am bummed about it. I finally got the call from the apartment place that I had been on the waiting list for. I was on the waiting list for a 2 bedroom for 9 months!!!! 9 freaking months I waited for them to call me. I left school early to take them my information and the guy called me today to tell me I got denied because of my credit. This sucks so much because it's been an extremely long wait and this is what happens. I thought all I had to do was to pay that debt to my first apartment and then I was in the clear but nope. It seems like no matter what I get paid off on my credit report my credit score stays the same. It seems like every time I try to take 2 steps forward I get knocked 10 steps back. I try and try and it seems like things aren't getting any better. I might still have a chance though because on Wednesday I went to see a apartment in a fourplex and it was kind of cool. It's a little small but I feel like I need to start somewhere and since I can't get the place I want then hopefully the landlord guy I talked to will let me get it. He seems like a nice guy and made it sound like he would let me get it. I hope everything works out because if he lets me move in I will be able to move with in the next 2 weeks and I am dying to get out of my grandmother's house. I can not stay there anymore. She is a very negative and evil person. It's sad I am finding that out after staying with her. I would never want to be put in the position to where I have to stay with her again. It is complete hell. The apartment is a fourplex like I said and the other tenants in it are older women. Not including the landlord he said it was a 65 year old lady and a 45 year old so it would be nice to be in a quiet building where you don't have to worry about young people running in and out and being loud. It's not really in a good neighborhood but I looked at the crime map and surprising its not much crime happening over there. So I will be calling the guy today and hopefully I will get some good news because I can't take any more bad news.

What I dislike the most.....

What I dislike the most is liars. I really hate liars. My ex is the biggest liar around. It is really sad how a grown man almost 30 doesn't know how to do anything but lie. I had just wrote a post about how he lied to me the past 2 weeks about his girlfriend getting an abortion and that he wanted to work things out with me and be in this baby thing with me. It was all a lie. It just makes me wonder what does he get out of lying, what does it do for him, does it make him feel good as a person to tell lies all the time? He is just not a good guy but he was the guy I fell in love with. Now I feel like I do not know who he is anymore. He is definitely not the same guy that I fell in love with. As much as I know I'm better off without him it is apart of me that still wishes things would have worked out and we were still together. It seems like after we broke up he just became a different person. It really hurts me how things are and the way he treats me like I'm this evil person that has done nothing but wrong to him. I have never treated him bad not the way he has been treating me. Who would want to be with someone like that? I just know I am better off and I can except that.

In complete shock......

Well apparently my ex's girlfriend is still pregnant. He literally lied this whole time and said she got an abortion. I guess she is further along then I thought because he said it was a boy. Imagine my face when he made it seem like I shouldn't be upset. You have been lying and telling me stories all this time and nothing was true. I feel like I have to eat my words from my last post because none of it is going to happen. He is still telling me to get an abortion and I thought we were done and he was excepting it and trying to be in it with me. This all has truly hurt my feelings. The other day he was treating me like he wanted to be with me. Laying with me, kissing me, telling me he missed us and then two days later to start treating me like nothing ever happened and start treating me hatefully because I won't get an abortion. You can not force anyone to get an abortion you can just choose not to have anything to do with it. I was already planning on doing this alone until he started playing these mind games and pretending that he wanted to be with me. I'm just left in tears because I don't understand how I can get treated this way. He makes it seem like I got myself pregnant. He keeps saying what am I going to do with another kid? I say shouldn't you be asking your girlfriend the same question? It's not even guaranteed that yall will even be together in the next year. She just might be stupid enough to stay with him after he done cheated on her and got the other girl pregnant. I just feel so lost and don't know what to do I feel like I have to go through all of this by myself. He's pretty much telling me that if I don't get an abortion that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't understand how anyone who claims to love someone would tell them to get an abortion and if they don't they don't want anything to do with them. I know a real man wouldn't say anything like that. It's sad when you don't know if anything that comes out of his mouth is true. It seem like everything he ever says is a lie. It is truly sad and I wish I wasn't going through this bull right now but it is what it is. I am going to have to figure out what I am going to do eventually but I plan on keeping this baby so I am sure I am going to have to go through all of this alone. I wish things could be different and I could be happy about things like I was in my last post but those dreams have been shattered now its back to a bad reality.

Boring day.........

Today is a boring day. I have been in the house all day. Wanted to get out but didn't so maybe tomorrow. I took a much needed nap. I feel like so far the symptoms I have are nausea when I smell a certain kind of smell, fatigue which I always had before I was pregnant and I feel like I get full fast. I think it's a little too early to be getting full fast after eating so I wonder what is up with that. What if I was having twins? That would be crazy but so cool. If I did I would want both girls. If I had to have a boy I would want a girl to come with the deal. I just want all girls and no boys so we will see if it works out that way. I have already set up my first 3 appointments and I'm ready to go to this first one so I can get the feeling of being pregnant to finally hit me and I want to make sure everything is going good. I do need to work on getting my own place. That is something I need to do within the next couple months. It just seems like there is a lot to do between working, going to school and taking care of my daughter. I am going to have to let my mom and sister know soon because I don't know if my sister would want to live with me knowing I'm about to have another kid. I guess we'll see how that works out. At least I should be able to qualify for assistance. I should be able to receive wic for myself again because I was able to have it when I was pregnant the last time. I can add this baby on to the ccdf that I am already getting and I should be able to get food stamps again. I guess before I can do all of that I have to get a proof of pregnancy. I'm not worried about the food stamps until I move so it is a lot to take care of. I have my first appointment in a week in a half then my second one 2 weeks from that and then my third one the beginning of June. I'm just ready to get this started and things situated. It just seems like a lot to think about.

Looks like things might be changing......

Well it looks like things might be changing for me. My ex and my daughter's father is starting to tell me that he wants to be with me again. I guess he is finally going to break up with his girlfriend and we are hopefully going to work on getting things right between us and our family. I have been saying since all of this had happened that I pray one day that GOD would slap some sense into him because I just couldn't see how he could throw everything away and move on to someone else so fast.  The other day he was telling me about getting an abortion because we weren't together. I don't know what it was that made him change his mind but I'm just glad we will be able to work on things before this baby gets here. I'm only 1 month in so far so there is plenty of time. I know before anything happens we are going to have to find time to have a long talk. We are going to have to get everything we need to say to each other out in the open. I will definitely have to work on my trust with him that is the main thing for me. I couldn't really trust him when we were together and the way he did the girl he's with now it just scares me. I don't want to be in a relationship if he is going to be sneaking around behind my back and cheating on me. I think we should start off slow I don't think I want to be in a full out relationship when he is about to get out of one. I hope things work out better this time around.