Finally found out.....

Well yesterday, I found out the sex of my baby. Needless to say I was nervous because I didn't want to go through gender disappointment if it turned out to be a boy. I just didn't know what I would do if I had a boy and I want my daughter to have a sister. I found out that I am having a GIRL!!! You do not know how relieved I was to find that out. That's what I prayed for and it is what I got. I am so happy. I feel like this is the first time I have really been happy during this pregnancy. I'm sure I will go back to be being sad eventually but right now I am happy because I am getting my other girl. I had a feeling that I would have another girl even though I was nervous. I feel like it was genetics. On my mom's side of the family, my grandma had two girls and her daughters( my aunt and mom) had two girls so I had a feeling it would happen to me too. I'm sure glad it did. Now I can focus on getting my apartment together and I'll worry about getting stuff for this baby in a few months. The doctor told me I will probably end up having this baby earlier than my due date because I am measuring early. I just hope I don't miss Thanksgiving, that would so suck. Another thing I need to figure out is what I am going to name this baby. I have only been thinking about the name Robin. I like that name for some reason so I will probably end up using it. The one thing that weighs heavy on me is if I am going to have to deliver this baby by myself. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post but there are two possibilities of who the father of my baby is. One is the guy that I went to go see in Chicago and the other is my ex. I am literally confused of who it could be because I messed with both of them a week apart. Stupid I know, but it happened. The guy in Chicago I messed with a couple days after my time of the month was over so I didn't think it could be him. I automatically assumed it was my ex's but then he started putting it in my head that it's either him or the other guy so now I'm sitting here confused everyday not knowing who my baby's father is and it sucks. As much as I dislike my ex right now it's a part of me that wants it to be his so I can prove to him that its his and he put me through all this hell for nothing plus I want my kids to have the same dad. I don't want my kids to have two different dads. Then again its a part of me that wants it to be the guy in Chicago because he has shown to really care about me although it freaks me out because we have barely spent anytime with each other so it makes me wonder how he is so sure about his feelings for me. I have told him a lot that all I want is friends right now since I don't see myself in a place to be in a relationship with anybody right now but he seems to be waiting for me which I don't understand since we live in two different places and he could be with anybody he wants to up there where he could see them anytime he wants to. I'm flattered but scared at the same time because I feel like every guy that I have had anything with has hurt me one time or another and I am not looking forward to it happening again especially after all the crap my ex has put me through. I do think that if this baby turn out to be his, it would bring us closer together. So I guess we'll see what happens. But I do feel like I am going to be in the hospital by myself having this baby. I have been going through this pregnancy all by myself so far its looking like I'll be all by myself all the way to the end unless something changes in the next couple of months before its time for me to have her. All I can do is wait and see.

Job search frustration.....

I would be so happy if I could find me another job now. Its just so disappointing that I have applied to probably 300 jobs in the past 2 1/2-3 years and I am still at the job that I have been trying to leave ever since. It sucks so bad that I am still at the place I feel like I am trapped. The few chances I have had to talk to anyone about a job I feel like I get my hopes up just for them to get crushed. I talked to a guy yesterday about a job that sounds like it would be a pretty good job. I would make a little more than what I am making now and it is Monday-Friday and no weekends which is definitely one of the things I am looking for in a job. The guy I talked to said he would start calling people in for interviews starting next week and as much as I hate doing interviews, I hope that I am chosen to do one because it would be so awesome if I could get this job and be able to finally quit the job that I am at now which is what I have been wanting to do for a long while now. The hours for the job I hope I can interview for are between 9am and 6pm. I know it would be so nice to not have to worry about not having to be at work until 9am especially when currently I am waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to go to work and I hate it so bad. I feel like I can barely get any sleep because I am not going to bed until late so I am only getting between 3 1/2-4 1/2 hours of sleep every night. I am ready for a change. The only thing that kind of scares me is the fact of me being pregnant I would hate to have to leave my job for 2 months after I would have just got started but I could really use a new job right now especially before this baby gets here. I'm just hoping everything works out this time and I will be able to get this job. I know that when I do get a new job I hope I like it because I would hate to be trapped at that place and spending 2-3 years trying to find another one. It is literally torture what I have been going through. Feeling trapped at a job that you hate to even wake up to go to everyday is not fun. I just want the torture to be over once and for all.

Finding out soon......

I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. The symptoms I have are tiredness all the time and I always feel like I am full. It is getting a little hard to move around in bed because of the weight on my stomach. I know I will be happy when this is all over. I think I have less than 5 months to go. So I hope these days and weeks fly by fast. This coming Monday, July 7th, I will officially be finding out what I am having. I am excited and nervous/scared at the same time. I have been praying that it is a girl. I will be so happy if it is a girl. If it turns out to be a boy I think I will be disappointed. I'm sure that I will eventually be fine with it after a while but I know I will be disappointed in the beginning. I would love for my daughter to have a little sister and I would just love to have another little girl. I have so much fun with my daughter I would just love to be able to have another girl to have fun with. It would also be a whole lot easier to fix my daughter's room up if it is another girl. I think it would be a little difficult to figure out how to fix the room up and make it half girl/half boy and I already have a lot of girl stuff because of my daughter. All I have to do is figure out when I will have time to clean and fix up that room since its so hard right now to want to do anything being tired all the time. So I just hope everything turns out good and I get my girl so I can be happy. I might actually start buying stuff too since I plan on going to the store after I find out.

Too much for one person to deal.......

I am in a bad place in my life right now. I keep asking myself why do bad things always happen to good people? I get treated like trash and I don't understand why. It all started Friday when my ex and daughter's father came to spend time with me on my day off like we did every now and again. We enjoyed each others company as always and went out to eat before he had to go to work. He was telling me that he talked to a guy at his job and was telling him that he screwed up meaning leaving me and getting involved with this other woman. I even gave him a little money to help him get his car fixed. Well Saturday morning, he's blowing my phone up calling and texting trying to come over telling me that he broke up with his girlfriend. My thoughts are finally now we can work on getting things right with us again. So, he stays with me and everything seemed to be going well. It was like how things use to be and he kept telling me that he was happy he was with me and it felt right like nothing changed. I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to be there and he would ask me the same. We both said yes. The last time I saw him was Thursday and we had went out to lunch after I got off work and before he went. After he got off, he calls me to tell me that he was going to stay at his dad's house that night because something was wrong with his dad's girlfriend. Later that day, I am at work and he texts me good morning then says we need to talk. He says he talked to his dad and that he was going to start staying at his dad's and wasn't going to be with anybody and was just going to work on himself. I'm thinking good for you and I was proud of him. Then I didn't hear from him after that. I texted him Sunday to say Happy Father's Day but he never texted me back. I texted him again a couple hours later asking if he was okay. Then I get a text back saying to don't contact him unless its about my daughter or this baby that I am pregnant with and that he is working things out with his girlfriend. Of course, I am completely shocked and confused. I didn't understand what was going on and I'm trying to talk to him. I call him over and over, text him trying to get answers and he wouldn't answer any of my phone calls and would only text me to tell me to stop calling him. How can you go from wanting to be with someone to treating them like dirt so fast? I was literally crying in front of my daughter which I hate that he made me do that. I still tear up thinking about it because she doesn't need to see me crying. Now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do this weekend because I do not feel comfortable with having my daughter go anywhere with him especially if he is going to be around that girl. She doesn't need to be around the mess that he caused. So I am probably going to have to call into work this weekend which I never do to be able to stay home with her because I do not want to have to explain to anybody why I don't want her to be with him right now. I just don't think its fair that I get treated this way. It hurts me so bad that someone I loved after all the crap he has put me through, the pain, the depression, would want to put someone he claims to love back in that place again. I wish he could feel how I feel and go through all the pain and heartache that he has put me through. I hate being here. I hate being sad and depressed all the time. I hate crying everyday. I cry over everything. I don't know if its my hormones or the depression but anytime anybody cries even my daughter it makes me cry. I wish he had never done this. It was only a week but that week caused alot of damage. I wish this whole thing had never happened I was fine before all this happened now I am depressed and in a bad place and don't know how to get out of it. I just pray for some kind of healing to my heart because I don't like being here. This kind of stuff makes you not want to trust guys at all because to go through stuff like this you are more better off alone than to have someone put you through so much pain that you don't know how to get out of.

Worn out......

It's been a while since I have been on here and posted. Just waiting to go into work right now. Since the last time I have been on here, I have finished my first semester of school but I haven't checked my grades because I am sure they are bad. I took on more than I could handle and I have learned my lesson. Now I am trying to redeem myself and do better these next couple of semesters. I am taking one class this summer semester. It's a computer class that I thought I didn't have to take but since I couldn't get a hold of an advisor to find out if I had to take it or not I just went ahead and took it. It is not too bad but the summer is faster than the fall or spring so all my assignments are due within two days of each other. The only difference with this class is I will be learning Microsoft Access. I never did that one before it would be nice to become familiar with it.

On another note, I am officially 14 weeks pregnant today. This pregnancy is moving along and in about 4 weeks I will be able to find out what I am having. I am praying that this is a girl. I feel like I am not a person who wants to have boys I want all girls so hopefully it works out for me. I still haven't told anyone that I am pregnant yet but that will be coming to an end soon since I am getting bigger everyday. I know the hardest part about being pregnant is working.  I am always so tired. I'm on my feet all day walking around for hours and it literally wears me out. I try to sit down as much as I can but I could definitely use some time off because I am tired all the time and have no energy.  I'm sure I'll be like this all the way through so I can't wait until I go on my leave.  As much as I shouldn't, I am still hoping things work out between me and my ex. We talk all the time and he tells me how much he misses me and misses being with me and we still love each other and sad to say we still mess around with each other even though he is with someone else. He asked me one day why when he thought long term he thought of me. The thing that bugs me is he wants to be with me, I know he does he tells me all the time but it is taking him forever to leave this other girl. It's obvious he doesn't want to be with her but for some reason he is taking his time. I feel like a real man would not treat women that way. Tell me he wants to be with me but continue to be with someone else and stay with a woman he doesn't want to be with and instead of breaking it off with her he would rather lie and cheat on her. I really don't care about her but I don't believe someone should be treated like that and I wouldn't want someone to treat me that way. I know the girl is pregnant but that doesn't mean he has to stay with her. He can still be in his kid's life without having anything to do with her. We will just wait and see what happens but I know I'm not going to wait forever for him to do something he should have did a long time ago.

Easter weekend....

Well it is about to be Easter weekend. I'm glad I am off work this weekend. I hope it will be a good weekend. So far, today I got some bad news and I am bummed about it. I finally got the call from the apartment place that I had been on the waiting list for. I was on the waiting list for a 2 bedroom for 9 months!!!! 9 freaking months I waited for them to call me. I left school early to take them my information and the guy called me today to tell me I got denied because of my credit. This sucks so much because it's been an extremely long wait and this is what happens. I thought all I had to do was to pay that debt to my first apartment and then I was in the clear but nope. It seems like no matter what I get paid off on my credit report my credit score stays the same. It seems like every time I try to take 2 steps forward I get knocked 10 steps back. I try and try and it seems like things aren't getting any better. I might still have a chance though because on Wednesday I went to see a apartment in a fourplex and it was kind of cool. It's a little small but I feel like I need to start somewhere and since I can't get the place I want then hopefully the landlord guy I talked to will let me get it. He seems like a nice guy and made it sound like he would let me get it. I hope everything works out because if he lets me move in I will be able to move with in the next 2 weeks and I am dying to get out of my grandmother's house. I can not stay there anymore. She is a very negative and evil person. It's sad I am finding that out after staying with her. I would never want to be put in the position to where I have to stay with her again. It is complete hell. The apartment is a fourplex like I said and the other tenants in it are older women. Not including the landlord he said it was a 65 year old lady and a 45 year old so it would be nice to be in a quiet building where you don't have to worry about young people running in and out and being loud. It's not really in a good neighborhood but I looked at the crime map and surprising its not much crime happening over there. So I will be calling the guy today and hopefully I will get some good news because I can't take any more bad news.

What I dislike the most.....

What I dislike the most is liars. I really hate liars. My ex is the biggest liar around. It is really sad how a grown man almost 30 doesn't know how to do anything but lie. I had just wrote a post about how he lied to me the past 2 weeks about his girlfriend getting an abortion and that he wanted to work things out with me and be in this baby thing with me. It was all a lie. It just makes me wonder what does he get out of lying, what does it do for him, does it make him feel good as a person to tell lies all the time? He is just not a good guy but he was the guy I fell in love with. Now I feel like I do not know who he is anymore. He is definitely not the same guy that I fell in love with. As much as I know I'm better off without him it is apart of me that still wishes things would have worked out and we were still together. It seems like after we broke up he just became a different person. It really hurts me how things are and the way he treats me like I'm this evil person that has done nothing but wrong to him. I have never treated him bad not the way he has been treating me. Who would want to be with someone like that? I just know I am better off and I can except that.