Getting in the home stretch.....

Well I have about 5-6 weeks before my baby gets here. I can not wait! I am a little disappointed that I'm getting so close and have yet to get anything for my baby. No clothes, bottles, diapers, nothing. I am not prepared at all. This is definately one of the things that suck about going through a pregnancy by yourself. I'm sure if I had a man around we probably would have pretty much everything. I won't be able to start getting stuff until the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. I'll be moving the first weekend in November so I should be able to start getting stuff after that. I'm just so ready for this baby to get here. So I can have my body back and I feel like my life has been put on hold because I'm pregnant. I had to take the semester off from school because there was no way I could have a baby when finals was coming around and I had to stop my job search because there is no point in applying to jobs when I wouldn't be able to start for a couple months. I do plan on going back in January hopefully and once I go on my maternity leave I will continue job hunting again and pray my heart out that I will find something before my leave is up and I am stuck having to go back to the low paying job I am at now and I am not trying to go back. I have been working at the same place doing the same job for 5 years and have nothing to show for it. It is definately time to move on. The number one reason why I am ready to have this baby is to prove to my ex that this is his baby because he still has doubts and I am positive that this is his baby. I just wonder what's going to happen when the truth comes out. He keeps telling me that he still wants a future with me. Which is hard to believe since he is in a relationship with someone else and living with them. It is pretty obvious that we still have feelings for each other after all this time and after all the hell he has put me through. I honestly couldn't see myself with no one but him which is probably one of the reasons why I haven't been dating anyone considering we haven't been together in over a year now. He has been telling me lately that I'm his soulmate and we're going to get married and he is planning on buying a house and wants me to move in with him. It all sounds great but it's all talk right now. My motto is actions speak louder than words. I take anything he says with a grain a salt because his track record is bad. He usually says one thing but his actions do the opposite. I guess he is waiting to see what the verdict is on this baby before he makes any decisions. I know I would love for my kids to have their parents together. Both of us grew up with our parents not together and it would be nice for my kids to grow up with two parents in the home. I hate the way things are now with having to send my daughter off with him every other weekend. If we were together then we wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. I guess I'm just looking for something good to happen. One day I hope everything works out and I will finally get the happiness I deserve.

Can I get out of this nightmare?......

I can't believe its been over a month since my last post. Seems like a lot has happened. Well I have gotten kicked out of my apartment. I still can't believe it. I had trouble getting the money to pay my rent last month so the stinking landlord up and kicked me out. He only gave me less than a week to get out. I think its impossible to pack and find somewhere else to go in less than a week. I did my best and could not find anywhere to go. My credit score keeps biting me in the butt. I can not wait until I can get it up. Everytime I try to get an apartment I always get turned down and I'm sure its because of my score. I'm guessing people with bad credit scores have to be homeless because it seems like no one will give you a chance because of it. I tried everything in my power to get the money to pay my rent. I called around trying to get assistance, tried to take out loans but kept getting denied. Right now I'm staying at my sister's and we're just going to get a 3 bedroom at the apartments she's at. Which is what I should have went along with in the first place but I was determined to have my own place and look what happened got kicked out and the stupid landlord became evil after I couldn't pay my rent. Went back to the apartment yesterday to turn the keys in and to get the splitter from the cable company off the cable cord since I couldn't get it off when I moved. Of course the guy popped up and had some crap to say trying to start stuff. Talking about calling the cops. Mad I didn't clean the apartment up all the way then said he was going to garnish my paycheck because of it. I don't know if the guy realizes I'm pregnant or not but I had to pack and move out that apartment by myself with little help and by the time I got everything out of there it was 10:30 at night I had been going all day with very little rest and I don't know what more he could want I did pay a security deposit. I'm just glad I'm out of that apartment it was a blessing. It's so funny how when I first moved in the guy was nice than after I couldn't pay him he became evil. I guess its one of those you live and you learn type of things. I just can't wait until I can get a better paying job so I don't have to keep struggling and going through stuff like this.

Finally decided.....

So I finally decided when I am going to leave work. I am officially 26 weeks today. So I have 2 more weeks until I am 7 months and in my last trimester. So ready for this to be over. Surprisingly, this pregnancy has actually been a cake walk compared to my first one. I'm not in a lot of pain and I was in so much pain the first time around whether I was getting out of bed or getting out of a chair or walking, it hurt. The only time I'm in any real pain is when I'm at work and I have been on my feet. Once I sit down, it hurts to get up. Another thing is the first time around I was sick a lot and I haven't been sick at all this time. I want to see if I can get my doctor to write me a restriction saying I can only work 3 days a week. I feel like since I am getting closer to the end I should be trying to rest as much as possible and it is hard to do when I barely get much sleep. I'm usually in bed around 11 and I have my alarm set to go off at 3:50am so I only get about 4 hours of sleep every night then I have to go to work where I'm on my feet the majority of the day. I try to sit down as much as I can but I only have so much time because I do have work to do. Then when I get off I only get no more than 2 hours after I get off work to take a nap before I have to pick up my daughter and I know its not enough because I literally have to force myself to get up. Once I lay down its hard to want to get up. If I could work 3 days a week then I know I would not have to work weekends anymore which I absolutely hate and it would give me more time to be able to clean up since it is hard to want to do any cleaning after being on my feet all day all I want to do is rest. Anyway, I have decided my last official day at work is going to be October 31. So Halloween is my last day at work. It is a Friday so I would like to leave at the end of the week especially since its on the weekend I don't work. I'm just glad the month of August is almost over. Only 4 more days and it will officially be September and 2 more months until I can get away from my idiot job. It has definitely been a struggle staying at this place but I am literally counting down until I can leave. I hate not being able to job hunt but as soon as I have my baby I will officially be on the search again and I am praying I will be able to find something before my maternity leave is over because I do not want to step foot back ay this job again. I know it is time for me to leave because I had a breakdown the last weekend I worked because I didn't want to work and I hated having to send my daughter somewhere when she wanted to be with me. It hurt so bad that I couldn't do anything and I didn't have a choice. I am hoping the next job I get it will be a Monday-Friday job. I have never been a weekend worker and never will be one. The only reason I am now is because I don't have much of a choice. I am so ready to disappear from this job and hope to never have to see this place again. All I can do is pray for the best.

Almost 6 months....

I will officially be 6 months this coming Wednesday. I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. I am getting bigger and I don't have as much pain as I did my first pregnancy although I am starting to feel a little pain and I am always out of breath. It is killing me to not be able to job hunt. I want to so bad. I have 3 months until I go on my maternity leave and I will be off work for about 3 months. In that time, I plan on job hunting and applying to everything that I can and just pray that I will be able to get a job some where before my maternity leave is up. Once my leave is up, I'm going to have to go back to my sucky job and I am determined to not have to set foot back in that place. I know it is going to hurt me to have to go back after being gone for so long especially when I don't like being there now. All I know is I am counting down until I can leave that place. It is so hard to walk up in there everyday I always have to find the strength just to get through the day. I just hope my time is almost done there. All I know is I don't know how I'm going to be able to take care of myself and two kid plus pay rent and bills with the little bit of money I make there. Its time for me to go I just hate with me being pregnant I am just stuck there since I leave in three months there is no purpose for me to do any job hunting. I just pray that I will be able to find something better in the limited time that I will have. I just don't want to go back to that place and I hope I won't have to.

Finally found out.....

Well yesterday, I found out the sex of my baby. Needless to say I was nervous because I didn't want to go through gender disappointment if it turned out to be a boy. I just didn't know what I would do if I had a boy and I want my daughter to have a sister. I found out that I am having a GIRL!!! You do not know how relieved I was to find that out. That's what I prayed for and it is what I got. I am so happy. I feel like this is the first time I have really been happy during this pregnancy. I'm sure I will go back to be being sad eventually but right now I am happy because I am getting my other girl. I had a feeling that I would have another girl even though I was nervous. I feel like it was genetics. On my mom's side of the family, my grandma had two girls and her daughters( my aunt and mom) had two girls so I had a feeling it would happen to me too. I'm sure glad it did. Now I can focus on getting my apartment together and I'll worry about getting stuff for this baby in a few months. The doctor told me I will probably end up having this baby earlier than my due date because I am measuring early. I just hope I don't miss Thanksgiving, that would so suck. Another thing I need to figure out is what I am going to name this baby. I have only been thinking about the name Robin. I like that name for some reason so I will probably end up using it. The one thing that weighs heavy on me is if I am going to have to deliver this baby by myself. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post but there are two possibilities of who the father of my baby is. One is the guy that I went to go see in Chicago and the other is my ex. I am literally confused of who it could be because I messed with both of them a week apart. Stupid I know, but it happened. The guy in Chicago I messed with a couple days after my time of the month was over so I didn't think it could be him. I automatically assumed it was my ex's but then he started putting it in my head that it's either him or the other guy so now I'm sitting here confused everyday not knowing who my baby's father is and it sucks. As much as I dislike my ex right now it's a part of me that wants it to be his so I can prove to him that its his and he put me through all this hell for nothing plus I want my kids to have the same dad. I don't want my kids to have two different dads. Then again its a part of me that wants it to be the guy in Chicago because he has shown to really care about me although it freaks me out because we have barely spent anytime with each other so it makes me wonder how he is so sure about his feelings for me. I have told him a lot that all I want is friends right now since I don't see myself in a place to be in a relationship with anybody right now but he seems to be waiting for me which I don't understand since we live in two different places and he could be with anybody he wants to up there where he could see them anytime he wants to. I'm flattered but scared at the same time because I feel like every guy that I have had anything with has hurt me one time or another and I am not looking forward to it happening again especially after all the crap my ex has put me through. I do think that if this baby turn out to be his, it would bring us closer together. So I guess we'll see what happens. But I do feel like I am going to be in the hospital by myself having this baby. I have been going through this pregnancy all by myself so far its looking like I'll be all by myself all the way to the end unless something changes in the next couple of months before its time for me to have her. All I can do is wait and see.

Job search frustration.....

I would be so happy if I could find me another job now. Its just so disappointing that I have applied to probably 300 jobs in the past 2 1/2-3 years and I am still at the job that I have been trying to leave ever since. It sucks so bad that I am still at the place I feel like I am trapped. The few chances I have had to talk to anyone about a job I feel like I get my hopes up just for them to get crushed. I talked to a guy yesterday about a job that sounds like it would be a pretty good job. I would make a little more than what I am making now and it is Monday-Friday and no weekends which is definitely one of the things I am looking for in a job. The guy I talked to said he would start calling people in for interviews starting next week and as much as I hate doing interviews, I hope that I am chosen to do one because it would be so awesome if I could get this job and be able to finally quit the job that I am at now which is what I have been wanting to do for a long while now. The hours for the job I hope I can interview for are between 9am and 6pm. I know it would be so nice to not have to worry about not having to be at work until 9am especially when currently I am waking up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready to go to work and I hate it so bad. I feel like I can barely get any sleep because I am not going to bed until late so I am only getting between 3 1/2-4 1/2 hours of sleep every night. I am ready for a change. The only thing that kind of scares me is the fact of me being pregnant I would hate to have to leave my job for 2 months after I would have just got started but I could really use a new job right now especially before this baby gets here. I'm just hoping everything works out this time and I will be able to get this job. I know that when I do get a new job I hope I like it because I would hate to be trapped at that place and spending 2-3 years trying to find another one. It is literally torture what I have been going through. Feeling trapped at a job that you hate to even wake up to go to everyday is not fun. I just want the torture to be over once and for all.

Finding out soon......

I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. The symptoms I have are tiredness all the time and I always feel like I am full. It is getting a little hard to move around in bed because of the weight on my stomach. I know I will be happy when this is all over. I think I have less than 5 months to go. So I hope these days and weeks fly by fast. This coming Monday, July 7th, I will officially be finding out what I am having. I am excited and nervous/scared at the same time. I have been praying that it is a girl. I will be so happy if it is a girl. If it turns out to be a boy I think I will be disappointed. I'm sure that I will eventually be fine with it after a while but I know I will be disappointed in the beginning. I would love for my daughter to have a little sister and I would just love to have another little girl. I have so much fun with my daughter I would just love to be able to have another girl to have fun with. It would also be a whole lot easier to fix my daughter's room up if it is another girl. I think it would be a little difficult to figure out how to fix the room up and make it half girl/half boy and I already have a lot of girl stuff because of my daughter. All I have to do is figure out when I will have time to clean and fix up that room since its so hard right now to want to do anything being tired all the time. So I just hope everything turns out good and I get my girl so I can be happy. I might actually start buying stuff too since I plan on going to the store after I find out.