Cancer scare...

I had a cancer scare. You wouldn't think at the age of 31 I would be thinking about cancer. Although, it isn't a specific age disease. It started with me having my annual check up with my gynecologist and I guess she felt something after she felt my neck. So I had to go and have an ultrasound done on my thyroid. Then I had to go to an appointment at an Ear, Nose, and Throat facility. The ultrasound showed that I had a nodule that measured at 1.7 cm and they suggest you to have a biopsy on anything over 1.5 cm. So I had to have a biopsy to see if it was cancer or benign. They say majority of the time it is benign. I went in to have my biopsy which was so annoying because my appointment was at 1 but I was sitting around for an hour and a half before I finally got to go back. They had to numb the area and it burned which was the hardest part of it. Then I think she had stuck 5 needles in to get a sample of the nodule. After it was done, it was sore for awhile the first day it was uncomfortable but after it started feeling better. After a couple of days, I received the results and it was benign. I still have a followup appointment to go to but as far as I know I am fine.

Hard hunting...

Why is it so hard for me to find jobs to apply to? I am looking for jobs to apply to everyday but can not seem to find anything. If I could, I would like to find something that would work around my school schedule. I would need to find something before the spring semester starts because I have math classes that I need to take and the only time I can take them is the spring and next fall semesters. I am in my last four semesters and I don't want to have to worry about taking a math class in my last semester before I graduate so the next two semesters are the only chances I have to take these math classes and I am trying to take them in the afternoon so I don't have to change anything in my kids schedule and have to find someone to keep them while I take the classes. I hope something will come along soon. I had applied to a job where I would have been able to get off at 12:30 on Tuesdays and Thursday but I never heard back about it. It really depressed me because I really wanted and needed that job and who knows if another job like that will ever come back around. It is hard to find a job with those kind of hours which is what I need to be able to take these classes. It is so frustrating trying to find a job especially one with hours that will work around school. If I could I wish I could work part time. Besides looking for a full time job, I am looking for some work from home jobs as well. I need the extra income so that I can start saving up for a house that I can get hopefully by the end of next year and to pay for all the classes I am signing my kids up to do. Hopefully, I can find the job that I am looking for by the beginning of December. That gives me 3 months to find something and I am not really hopeful because I feel like I have been applying and looking for jobs for months now with no luck at all. I try to think positive but it is not easy.

Still pathetic...

My life is still looking pathetic. I actually had a free night to myself and no one to spend it with. When is this loneliness ever going to end? It's really getting old. Times like this really shows you how friendless you are. I will be happy when I actually have a friend who will be there for me when I need it. It just makes me feel bad that I can't find that one person to be there when I need them.

Why is finding love so hard?...

I never realized that finding love would be so hard. Once I had officially hit the 5 year mark of singleness it occurred to me that its hard to find. I know there has to be someone out of these millions of people in the world for me but it doesn't seem like it. Its not like I am looking for an instant boyfriend. I just want a friend who wants to spend time with me, talk and get to know me, have fun, and go out on dates. Then in a few months I would hope that would turn into a relationship, then love, and then possibly marriage and a happy life building our family and growing old together. I hate that I want what I want when it feels like I will never get it. When you are single it feels like everyone is in a relationship with someone but you. I just hate the feeling of loneliness and feeling like I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm not that old but I'm not getting any younger either. My goal is to be able to have at least two more kids before I turn 40 so I still have time but I don't want to be close to 40 when it happens. Why can't life go the way you imagine and dream it to be? If I had it my way, I would be in a relationship and having fun going on dates and staying in watching tv and movies, enjoying every second I have with my love, waiting on a surprise proposal. Not sure if I want to have a wedding but I would want to wait at least 6 months to a year after marriage to start having kids because I want to enjoy time with my husband before more babies are brought into the picture. We'll have a nice sized house in a nice community where we can enjoy our summers and take care of our family. All I really want is someone to love who will equally love me the same. I don't know why that is hard but 50 percent of me wants to give up and the other 50 tells me to keep holding on hope so its definitely a tug of war feeling that will hopefully be over one day.

Job searching...

I am trying to decide if I am planning on leaving my job. The woman I have been working with left on disability so I have been working by myself for the past 3 weeks. So now I am officially working by myself because they do not plan on hiring someone to take her spot and I am pretty sure she doesn't plan on coming back because she was already talking about leaving and retiring anyway. Honestly, I don't see why they don't get rid of me and eliminate my position all together because I know at other facilities they have techs who do my job so I really don't think I am needed. One good thing is that they are letting me work 40 hours now instead of the 36 I have been working. Which was one of the reasons I was looking for another job anyway. Right now, I don't think I am too much in a rush to leave but I will still be applying for jobs if I find something that I want to apply to. If I do get another job, I don't know what they will do with my position but I guess they will worry about that when the time comes. I am also trying to see if I can get me a part time job somewhere. I really want to start saving up to get a house or a condo so hopefully I will be able to find something. I just need something that I can do on the weekends and a couple of days during the week. So far I haven't had much luck finding anything but I am going to keep on looking. Between full time and part time I might be searching for awhile. It seems like jobs are just like men, it is hard to find a good one.

My pathetic life...

I feel like my life is so pathetic. After yesterday's loneliness fiasco, it just proved to me how lonely I really am. It really makes me cry and depressed how I can say I don't have a life. I have no one in my life that I can really talk to or go out with or spend time with. It just really sucks. I wish I knew how I could change my life. I have no clue of what to even do. I have tried to date but it is hard to date with kids and having to find someone to keep them and plus the men that I have met have so far proven to be no good. Why is it so hard to find a decent guy? So far the guys I have met are commitment phobes who are scared to start a relationship or they are very flakey and don't answer your texts when you send them one. If it is one thing I hate is when I am trying to text someone and they don't text you back in a reasonable amount of time. If hours pass and I haven't heard from you, I know you are ignoring my texts because I am sure you keep your phone close and you got the message. I just pray that a decent guy will finally come around one day. I just want someone I can get to know, spend time with and go out on dates every once and awhile. I'm so over being alone. I want it to be over soon. All I can do is pray that someone will come around because I feel like I have tried to change my situation on my own but I always end up meeting the wrong guys for some reason. You wouldn't think it would be this hard to find a decent man but it has been 5 long years. I am hoping that by this time next year someone will come in my life and not make it 6 years alone. Where are all the genuine men who are looking for love and want something real with someone? I am in my 30s now and I just want to find a man that I can marry and have a couple more kids with before I get even older. I try to stay hopeful but it is hard when the wrong men keep coming around. When will the right man come along? I hope it will be sooner rather than later since I have already been waiting 5 long years. This waiting is killing me I just want to be happy. I just want someone who I can miss, and think about all the time, and call my own. Is it wrong to want to be happy? I just don't want to be sitting around looking pathetic forever. I wish I knew of other people in my shoes so I know I am not the only person feeling like a loser all the time.

Boring life...

My life totally sucks!!! I actually had a rare kid free day today and had no one to spend it with. I really need some friends or a boyfriend. I have been by myself since 2:30 and it is now 8 and I have not left the house. Why is my life this way? When am I ever going to get a life and have someone to spend it with when I actually have the free time? It really makes me cry because I want to be able to go out and do things every now and again when I get the chance and I finally got the chance and no one to do anything with so I'm stuck in the house looking crazy. Can I please get a man in my life so I will have someone to go out with? The lonely life really sucks and it is not fun at all. I am so over being single. I just want a decent man to come into my life who is all about me and wants to spend all of his free time with me. Five long years of singleness is starting to hit me hard. I do pretty good most days but when days like this come around it makes you realize how lonely you really are and how nice it would be to have someone there for you when you need them. I hope someone will come along soon. I am not getting any younger and I just want someone who I can share my life with. Is that so wrong?