Suicide thoughts.....

Sometimes I feel like I understand what people go through when they have suicidal thoughts. When they feel like their life is just crap and they want to get out of feeling pain and depression. I feel like that now. Where you are sad all the time and want to stop feeling that way. Although I couldn't see myself doing that because I have my daughter to live for and plan on having more children in the future but I can totally understand how it feels to be suicidal.

Ready to get back on my feet....

Right now, I'm going through a tough time in my life. Hopefully, things will get better. Currently I am staying with my grandma which is cool because I can just worry about saving money but I am so ready to have my own space. I applied to go back to school in the Spring. Still waiting to hear about that. I sent in my application and had to send in my transcripts. I requested them from my previous schools but just waiting on the school I am wanting to go to to get them. I am just ready to go to school and get done. The last school I was at I lost my financial aid and missed out on going to school for a year because I couldn't afford to pay out of pocket. I'm just trying to better myself and be able to get a job where I am making some decent money. I also hope that if I get to keep my job since they are about to go through layoffs, that my boss let's me change my job title so that I can start making more money. I would like to stay there so that I can go to school in the afternoons but if I have to I will find me another job. Just ready for things to start getting better for me. I am just not in a good place in my life right now.

Life is all bad....

My life sucks right about now. I am still having issues with my ex. After being broken up for a little over 2 months now it still hurts. The bad part is, is he has a new girlfriend already. we were together for over 2 years and lived together. It is just hard to believe that he could move on to someone else so fast. I couldn't imagine doing that. My heart is still with him so I couldn't see myself jumping into another relationship after my future was suppose to be with him. Is it wrong for me to want to be with the man I gave my heart to and had a child by? All I want is my family together. I feel so stupid because I am still crying over this guy and he is not even thinking twice about me. I just wish I could wake up and my life was back to the way it was and I had my family back together and the man that I fell in love with but that does not look like it is going to happen. I'm in so much pain it sucks. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy. I wish it was as easy for me to move on as it was for him. Hopefully I will start to feel better soon but right now I'm not and who knows how long it will be before I do.

Another sucky day....

Well this whole thing with me and my ex boyfriend is just a complete nightmare. I still don't know what it is that happened that made him want to leave us. Every time I ask it seems like he doesn't want to talk about it but I feel like I have a right to know what happened. I'm not just about to except it being over without knowing why and he just will not give me a straight answer. I feel like he doesn't need to text or call me about anything anymore not our daughter anything. Until he can grow up enough to give me an explanation as to what happened we have nothing to talk about. Its like he just ignores me when I text him and all he ever says is things about our daughter. I feel you weren't worried about her when you decided to leave us. I just feel like I don't deserve to be treated this way. I really wish this was nothing but a nightmare because I want to wake up and have my life go back to the way it was. I know that isn't going to happen. All I can do is just worry about me and my daughter now. He acts like things are so bad that our relationship cant be fixed or worked out then I just have to move on alone. I guess he didn't love me enough for us to work things out. My biggest fear is him leaving me for someone else like I wasn't good enough. I hope that isn't the case. I just wish I could have my family back and I have no idea what to do but to do nothing. I just wish I could get a real reason as to why my relationship is over.

What did I do...

Its day 3 of the break up and it sucks but I think I am moving along ok. I still cry every now and again but I feel like I'm crying for my daughter because I just don't want her to lose her family. I want her to have both her parents at home together. It hurts me because of its like my fault that things are the way they are. I'm not even clear on what I did wrong to make him want to leave. I have been texting him to ask him what it is I did but he won't answer. He keeps giving me the cold shoulder and I feel I deserve to know what I did that was so horrible that made him want to leave. I'm always home, I never go out unless its with him, all I do is go to work and come home and take care of our daughter. I try to cook and clean when I can. I just don't know how things got so bad. I just wish I had a chance to know what to do different so I could fix this. I want to fix it. I not only lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend too. He was like my only friend. Now I have no one. I'm all alone except for my daughter. I just hate the way my life is right now. Hopefully, one day things will be okay. I just feel so lost right now. But I know that I just need to leave him alone just seems like he really doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just hate that over 2 years of being together is just over like that. I just hold on to faith that things will work out and we will be a family again but until then I guess I'm in this alone. I have never cheated on him so you wouldn't think things would end so badly. I'm just still trying to understand all this. It just sucks.

Apartment search.....

Well I did some apartment searching today. It was a little frustrating. I went to 5 places. The first place I went to was in my price range. It was $535 a month but I went to the place and wasn't feeling it. It was all hardwood and I prefer carpet then just hardwood and it just looked old and outdated. I would not feel comfortable with me and my daughter living there. The 2nd place I went to seemed great but was out of my price range. I really wish I would have been able to afford that one on my own it would have been great to have my own bathroom in my room. I feel like I should have went there instead of the apartments I am at now last year. The 3rd one I went to was weird at first because they had the doors locked and it was 11:30 and they opened at 10 plus there were cars in front so I knew someone was there. The lady answered the door when I knocked and said she was on a conference call but I still think it was rude and unprofessional to have the doors locked during business hours. The apartments were in my price range because they went by income but they didn't have any available. The 4th place I went to I was just riding around and saw this house that had a for rent sign in front of it so I figured I would go check it out it took me awhile to figure out what to do because there was no number or anything in front of it but I had to ring two doorbells and the lady came to the door she said the apartment wouldn't be ready until September which is when I need a place anyway and she said it wasn't ready to be shown so I left. The last place I went to were new apartments I think they opened last year because I went last year when I was apartment hunting and had a bad experience. They go by income as well and when I went last year they made me make an appointment the first time I went which I thought was weird because most apartment places just let people walk in who are looking for a place. My appointment was scheduled for a month later which was way too long of a wait. When I finally got to go they told me the apartments that were in my price range were all taking so I wasted my time. This time when I went the guy I talked to actually took me to see an apartment and when I say it was perfect I mean it was PERFECT!!! The apartment had hardwood floors but at least the bedrooms were carpeted which I could deal with better than the whole place being hardwood. It actually comes with a washer and dryer not just a hookup. Plus the master bedroom has its own bathroom. It was just all around perfect and the price I would have to pay is $449 a month!! Now you cant beat that price anywhere. Unfortunately, there weren't any available at the time but like I said I won't need a place until the end of August anyway. The guy put me on a waiting list so hopefully I will hear something soon because he told me that some people can be on the waiting list for a day, a week, or a month it just depends. So I am hoping I hear something in the next 2 weeks before it is too late. One of these days I need to go put in my notice to move out whether I have a place to go or not there is no way I can resign another lease here. So I'm praying that the apartment I want comes through for me but until then looks like I have to keep looking until it does or if it does. I just don't know where to look. I would love to go somewhere that is fairly decent that's not a lot of people hanging around. Somewhere that I will feel comfortable at and safe and something affordable. We'll see what happens because I feel like I am in a time crunch I don't want to just settle for anything but I will have to start packing this apartment up soon hopefully in the next couple weeks I will find something nice for me and my daughter to call home.

Living in a nightmare....

I feel like this is all a bad dream. I still can't believe its over between me and my boyfriend after 2 years. I hope I will be able to get over it in time but right now its still fresh and it hurts. It just sucks that my daughter has to deal with it. Even though she's not aware of what's going on. I wish it didn't have to be this way.  I wish things could go back to the way they were. I wish there was some way I knew what to do different. I don't know its just crazy and I am still shocked. I have to try and hide my tears and its not easy. I wish I could just wake up and this nightmare would be over and everything would be fine and happy. Now today I am going apartment hunting. I just hope I will be able to get something soon. I have until the end of next month to find something but I need to know now where I'm going so I can tell the front office I'm leaving and so I can start packing. The sooner the better. Well I'm off of here to go start the search. Wish me luck. I hope everything will be ok.