Still pathetic...

My life is still looking pathetic. I actually had a free night to myself and no one to spend it with. When is this loneliness ever going to end? It's really getting old. Times like this really shows you how friendless you are. I will be happy when I actually have a friend who will be there for me when I need it. It just makes me feel bad that I can't find that one person to be there when I need them.

Why is finding love so hard?...

I never realized that finding love would be so hard. Once I had officially hit the 5 year mark of singleness it occurred to me that its hard to find. I know there has to be someone out of these millions of people in the world for me but it doesn't seem like it. Its not like I am looking for an instant boyfriend. I just want a friend who wants to spend time with me, talk and get to know me, have fun, and go out on dates. Then in a few months I would hope that would turn into a relationship, then love, and then possibly marriage and a happy life building our family and growing old together. I hate that I want what I want when it feels like I will never get it. When you are single it feels like everyone is in a relationship with someone but you. I just hate the feeling of loneliness and feeling like I'm going to be alone forever. I know I'm not that old but I'm not getting any younger either. My goal is to be able to have at least two more kids before I turn 40 so I still have time but I don't want to be close to 40 when it happens. Why can't life go the way you imagine and dream it to be? If I had it my way, I would be in a relationship and having fun going on dates and staying in watching tv and movies, enjoying every second I have with my love, waiting on a surprise proposal. Not sure if I want to have a wedding but I would want to wait at least 6 months to a year after marriage to start having kids because I want to enjoy time with my husband before more babies are brought into the picture. We'll have a nice sized house in a nice community where we can enjoy our summers and take care of our family. All I really want is someone to love who will equally love me the same. I don't know why that is hard but 50 percent of me wants to give up and the other 50 tells me to keep holding on hope so its definitely a tug of war feeling that will hopefully be over one day.

Job searching...

I am trying to decide if I am planning on leaving my job. The woman I have been working with left on disability so I have been working by myself for the past 3 weeks. So now I am officially working by myself because they do not plan on hiring someone to take her spot and I am pretty sure she doesn't plan on coming back because she was already talking about leaving and retiring anyway. Honestly, I don't see why they don't get rid of me and eliminate my position all together because I know at other facilities they have techs who do my job so I really don't think I am needed. One good thing is that they are letting me work 40 hours now instead of the 36 I have been working. Which was one of the reasons I was looking for another job anyway. Right now, I don't think I am too much in a rush to leave but I will still be applying for jobs if I find something that I want to apply to. If I do get another job, I don't know what they will do with my position but I guess they will worry about that when the time comes. I am also trying to see if I can get me a part time job somewhere. I really want to start saving up to get a house or a condo so hopefully I will be able to find something. I just need something that I can do on the weekends and a couple of days during the week. So far I haven't had much luck finding anything but I am going to keep on looking. Between full time and part time I might be searching for awhile. It seems like jobs are just like men, it is hard to find a good one.

My pathetic life...

I feel like my life is so pathetic. After yesterday's loneliness fiasco, it just proved to me how lonely I really am. It really makes me cry and depressed how I can say I don't have a life. I have no one in my life that I can really talk to or go out with or spend time with. It just really sucks. I wish I knew how I could change my life. I have no clue of what to even do. I have tried to date but it is hard to date with kids and having to find someone to keep them and plus the men that I have met have so far proven to be no good. Why is it so hard to find a decent guy? So far the guys I have met are commitment phobes who are scared to start a relationship or they are very flakey and don't answer your texts when you send them one. If it is one thing I hate is when I am trying to text someone and they don't text you back in a reasonable amount of time. If hours pass and I haven't heard from you, I know you are ignoring my texts because I am sure you keep your phone close and you got the message. I just pray that a decent guy will finally come around one day. I just want someone I can get to know, spend time with and go out on dates every once and awhile. I'm so over being alone. I want it to be over soon. All I can do is pray that someone will come around because I feel like I have tried to change my situation on my own but I always end up meeting the wrong guys for some reason. You wouldn't think it would be this hard to find a decent man but it has been 5 long years. I am hoping that by this time next year someone will come in my life and not make it 6 years alone. Where are all the genuine men who are looking for love and want something real with someone? I am in my 30s now and I just want to find a man that I can marry and have a couple more kids with before I get even older. I try to stay hopeful but it is hard when the wrong men keep coming around. When will the right man come along? I hope it will be sooner rather than later since I have already been waiting 5 long years. This waiting is killing me I just want to be happy. I just want someone who I can miss, and think about all the time, and call my own. Is it wrong to want to be happy? I just don't want to be sitting around looking pathetic forever. I wish I knew of other people in my shoes so I know I am not the only person feeling like a loser all the time.

Boring life...

My life totally sucks!!! I actually had a rare kid free day today and had no one to spend it with. I really need some friends or a boyfriend. I have been by myself since 2:30 and it is now 8 and I have not left the house. Why is my life this way? When am I ever going to get a life and have someone to spend it with when I actually have the free time? It really makes me cry because I want to be able to go out and do things every now and again when I get the chance and I finally got the chance and no one to do anything with so I'm stuck in the house looking crazy. Can I please get a man in my life so I will have someone to go out with? The lonely life really sucks and it is not fun at all. I am so over being single. I just want a decent man to come into my life who is all about me and wants to spend all of his free time with me. Five long years of singleness is starting to hit me hard. I do pretty good most days but when days like this come around it makes you realize how lonely you really are and how nice it would be to have someone there for you when you need them. I hope someone will come along soon. I am not getting any younger and I just want someone who I can share my life with. Is that so wrong?

Boredom always strikes on a Saturday night...

I am so bored I do not know what to do with myself. I am stuck doing school work but my mind always goes off somewhere else and I can't focus. I wish I had someone to talk to. This is where having a boyfriend would come in handy. I always feel like I never have anyone to talk to especially on boring nights like this. I'm so bored I just joined two new dating sites so I could possibly find someone to talk to but I feel like I done lost interest quick because all I want to do is talk to the guy that I am currently interested in and I don't know if I should bother him since he is out of town. He could be out having fun and he hasn't tried to contact me anyway since he's been gone so I doubt he is even thinking about me. I would hate to text him and not get a responds back considering I text him twice yesterday and never heard back. I just hate these boring nights it makes me just want to call it a night and go to bed. I can't wait the day I can have a boyfriend so my weekends won't be so boring. At least I'll have someone to talk to, hang out with, and go out with. I hate not having that person I could do those things with. I'm just sick of being bored all of the time. It sucks to not have a fun and interesting life. I hope that it will change one of these days soon.

Are things going to work out this time...

So a couple of weeks ago I was on Tinder scrolling through looking for guys to match with and I found a guy who seemed interesting. Luckily we ended up matching and of course I did my research to find out about him. He is a nice and tall man. The tallest guy I have ever talked to. I was so interested in him that I sent him a message on Tinder first. Normally I wait for the guy to say something to me first but for the first time I felt like I didn't want to wait and I wanted to say something but unfortunately he never replied back so I waited a couple of days and sent him a message again to see if he would respond because if he didn't I was going to move on. He responded and said he was going out to California for Memorial Day weekend so I didn't want to bother him while he was out of town so I left him alone and waited for him to get back in town before I said something to him. Luckily on Tinder it tells you how many miles someone is so I knew when he was back in town. That evening I wrote to him and he wrote me back and we chatted for awhile and it went from there. I got to meet him over the weekend and he is a really cool guy. We have hung out a few more times over the past week and I like this guy. I just hope I am not jumping the gun because I feel like that is one of my biggest flaws is that I become interested in a guy quick even when I do not know him very well. It just seems like there is something different about this guy although that may sound stupid since it seems like all guys end up being the same. All I know is that he is well educated and has a powerful job. I have seen videos of him online and it leaves me in awe because I can't believe that this is the guy that I am hanging out with. The guy I know doesn't seem like the same guy in the videos. He is very professional and a great speaker. It just seems like a totally different guy. Like this weekend he had to go out of town to give a speech at a graduation type ceremony. We have only been able to hang out in the house since with kids its hard to get out sometimes but I am hoping that sometime soon we will be able to go out on a first date and the best thing is since we have already hung out a few times already it won't be awkward. I don't want to jump the gun or anything especially considering how things with the last guy turned out but I hope things work out with him. We are only in the beginning stages of whatever we are or will become so we'll see as time goes but I really hope that we could possibly get to the point of being girlfriend and boyfriend. I would definitely be proud to have a man like him in my life. I pray that I will be lucky and blessed enough to have this amazing man in my life.