Merry Christmas!!!!

Its Christmas!!! I feel like I'm not really in the spirit. It just feels like something is missing. I spent the morning with my daughter watching her play with her gifts and just enjoying my time with her. Now she is gone with her dad and now I am bored with nothing to do. I'm just watching Christmas movies right now. I actually just found my Christmas present!! Didn't think I got anything but I got a laptop! Yay! I totally needed a new one. The one I have sucks. If it doesn't stay plugged in it cuts off so now I can use my old one as a back up and start using my new one just in time for school. I feel like I keep thinking about how much I wish I had my own family to celebrate the holiday with. I just keep imagining what it would be like me, my husband and our children opening presents, me making breakfast and us just enjoying our time together until we get dressed and go around to visit other family. Then we can come home and enjoy the rest of our Christmas together. That is what I am looking forward to. I can't wait until I am blessed with my own family because right now I am bored with nothing to do. I so hope that Christmas next year will be a lot better than this year was. Still waiting for that man I asked for Christmas but I know that's not going to happen but a girl can dream....

Back home......

Last night, I made it back home from my trip down south. We went to visit some relatives and it was a nice little trip away from home.  They live in a small city in Louisiana and when I say small I mean small.  It looks like all of their stores and restaurants are all on one street. I looked it up on Wikipedia and it said their city is only 4.1 square miles which is small. Some of the houses were nice but the majority of them were run down.  Every time I saw some people that lived there it made me wonder why they choose to stay there? The word that comes to mind about that place is Podunk. But of course I would feel that way I'm use to big city living. Where all the houses are close together and their may be some run down houses but it looks worse there and I'm use to seeing tall buildings. It is definitely different from home but I will say it does seem peaceful there and I'm sure their isn't as much crime as their is here. I am glad to be back home. We drove all the way down there and back which is an 11-12 hour drive. I officially do not like road trips unless I'm with some fun people. I was able to watch some Christmas movies in the hotel while down there so I am glad about that. I feel like anybody who downs this city and talk about it being boring need to go to a small city that doesn't have anything and then they will appreciate what they have and how special they're city is.

Too perfect to be true.....

Well it looks like things with the guy I like is coming to a screeching halt. We were talking yesterday and he told that he wanted to have threesomes and when he got married he planned on having a girlfriend for him and his wife to share. I'm thinking what 30 year old thinks like this? It sounds like something a young minded 19-25 year old boy would say. You would think a 30 year old would be thinking I'm getting older and I just want to find that one person to settle down with and marry and have a family with. Just when I thought I found the absolute most perfect guy something had to be wrong with him. I wish I would have known that I would have never had a chance with him before my feelings for him started getting involved. I actually started crying because I really liked him and really wanted something to happen. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, educated, has 2 goods jobs, his own house wants a big family, he made me happy when I got to spend time with him I hated having to leave. We have only been talking to each other a little over a month nothing really has happened between us for me to be crying over him. We're still going to be friends and talk but now my expectations are low with him. I am not expecting anything from him anymore. Maybe he will change his mind one day and realize he doesn't need more than one woman to make him happy. It seems like another loss of a guy I started liking. I just knew he was too good to be true. All my dreams for us have been ruined and it was nice while it lasted. I just wish I could have got what I wanted just this once. Seems like I can never have anything to go the way I want it to. I hoped that he was put in my life for a reason to show me that I would be able to get a good man in my life and now I don't know anymore. Looks like I'm back to being alone again.

It is almost time!!.....

It is almost Christmas time!!! I can't wait. I love Christmas! I just keep thinking about how nice it would be when I have my own family to have my own Christmas with them. Me, my husband and our children celebrating the holiday together and starting our own family traditions. That's one of the reasons I look forward to having a big family. When it comes to holidays like Christmas, it will be nice to be able to celebrate with them. It is just one of the many dreams I have about having a family. I can't wait until then. Looking forward to my future. Just have to wait for the man of my dreams to come into my life if he hasn't already.

Time to work out.....

I am officially getting ready to join a gym. It came to me the other day when I was getting myself something to eat in a plaza and there was a random place set up in one of the buildings there. I guess it was a makeshift registration for it because they are building the actual gym in the plaza. I didn't go in but I just thought when did this get here because I didn't remember it there when I was last over there. Afterwards, it made me think that I am going to join that gym. It is going to become a Planet Fitness which I think is the cheapest place you can find for a gym membership. It is only $10 a month and I am definitely going to take advantage of it. I have been needing to get my exercise on for the longest and now I can. Sometime this week I will go up there and register and find out when that gym will be opening up. I am just determined to lose my stomach. It is the only thing on my body that bugs me more then anything. I never truly started working out after I had my baby so it still kind of looks like I am pregnant. I have lost some weight the past couple months so I am proud of that but now I really just want to work on flattening my stomach. It is the only thing that makes me the most self conscious about myself. Luckily, it is almost Christmas time because after Christmas is when I want to get serious about it and then hopefully by the summer time I will look a little different weight wise. I am just over 200 lbs. so my goal is to lose 20 lbs. and after that we will see and I need to go back to drinking water. I do drink water but not as much as I should. I am excited to get started. My plan is to go everyday after I get off work and then when I start school I can go on the days I don't have class which is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and then I'll try and go on the weekends if I get the chance. So at least between going to the gym and being in school I'll be able to keep myself busy.

Alone forever......

Why do I feel like I am going to be alone forever? Is there a man out there for me somewhere? I wish I knew. It just sucks being alone all the time. I just wish I had someone to be with, spend time with, talk to. I feel like I am just alone all the time. I don't have anybody to go out and do things with. It just sucks when I have the opportunity to have time to go out, I have no one to turn to. I know God has a man out there for me somewhere but sometimes it is just hard to wait to see when he will come around. Its not like I'm desperate for anybody but I'm just waiting on that one special guy that God has in store for me. I'm kind of hoping that its the guy that I am interested in but it still seems like nothing is going anywhere with this guy. Still no dates and it kind of seems like he barely talks to me. I feel like I do all of talking. I really like him and he seems like everything I could ever ask for someone I could spend the rest of my life with but things are going so slow and it seems like things are going no where between us as much as I want them to. We have been talking to each other for over a month and it doesn't seem like we are working towards becoming anything to each other. Right now, all I want is for us to grow as friends. I want us to be able to talk to each other about any and everything, be able to go out with each other and have fun, just work on possibly becoming best friends in the future and that will lead to us becoming even more. If only things were that easy for me. I am trying to hold on to hope and faith that everything will work out but it is extremely hard when I am alone all the time. It is not fun being alone, not having anyone to confide in, go out and have fun with, laugh with, just someone to share my life with and love. I am a very loving person and that's what I need in my life is someone to love. As hard as it is to just sit back and wait, that is all I can do unfortunately. I am ready for the love of my life to come into my life and make things better and to make me feel whole again. I feel like there is something missing in my life and it is that one person to share it with. I pray for him to come into my life soon because I can not take this being alone all the time every single day. I want to feel happy and have joy in my heart I just need a love to put it there. I have my daughter but it is still a piece of my heart that is still missing and isn't complete. I ready to feel complete.....

I hate my life right now.....

I hate where my life is right now. It makes me cry just thinking about it but my life truly sucks. I feel like I am trapped and can't do anything to make things better. I wish I knew what to do. I feel like I have been trying and trying and trying to change things but it doesn't seem like anything is working. First off, my job sucks I hate it so much I wish I could just quit. Incompetent bosses who don't care about the employees and things keep getting changed to make things harder on us instead of making it easier. Plus the pay sucks I can barely live on the money I get every two weeks. I feel like I work my butt off for little pay and have nothing to show for it. I have always been thankful for my job but I have officially been there for 4 years as of 12/7 and it has been time for me to go. I feel like I am in prison at that place I have applied to over 100 jobs this year trying to get out of there and I can't get anything. I can't believe how hard it is to find something but I am going to continue to try until something comes my way. I just want a Monday-Friday job so I can have my weekends free to be able to do things. Its hard when working every other weekend to plan to do things I would also like to be able to have my holidays off and of course better pay I feel I am a hard working person and deserve a lot more than what I am making now. Is it asking for too much? Another problem I am having is with men. I don't need one but it would be nice to have one. Someone to be there for me, someone to talk to, someone to be able to go out with and spend time with. Just someone special for me. It sucks being alone all the time. It would be nice to be able to get dressed up and go somewhere. I just wish I had someone to spend time with and love and adore just someone especially for me. I don't know what's going on with the guy I like. I feel like I'm in limbo. We have talked to each other for a month, have hung out with him a couple times but he doesn't seem to be interested in me as I am in him. I thought a person who is interested in you usually asks you when your free or the next time you can see each other or even ask you out on a date and he hasn't done that. When I text him sometimes it takes him forever to write me back or he doesn't at all. I don't know if that means he is busy or just ignoring me. I really liked him but all I can do now is leave him alone. I feel like I have started to get my hopes up over this guy which is depressing me because things are going no where with him so I am letting myself down by expecting him to want me. It was nice while it lasted having someone to care and think about but now its just back to lonely me. Another problem I'm having is finding a place to live. It seems like everything cost so much. My price range is $550 and less and it is hard to find a place for that much. I have found a couple of houses but apartments are hard to find. If I could just get me a better job with better pay so that I would be able to afford something decent. I'm not going to be able to move for a couple more months anyway and I am still on that waiting list for an apartment. I have been on that waiting list for months, over 4 months and still no call it sucks just waiting but I am still hoping by February I will be out this place and in my own place whether I can get into that apartment or I'm going to have to find something else. I miss being on my own so much. My life is in such a horrible place right now I just hope that by this time next year I will be in a better place in my life. A decent place to live, a better job with better pay and someone to share my life with. All I can do is pray for better days but I wish I knew how long it will take for things to get better. It is just hard to think positive when it seems like everything is going wrong. It would be nice to get a Christmas miracle like in the movies and that everything that I wish and pray for would start coming true. Wishful thinking on my part.